Peanut butter sticking to the roof of humanity

The FDA has warned us to stay away from peanut butter because of a salmonella outbreak. Of all the ignoble ways to die –- a list which should include contracting scurvy while living in Florida, being trampled by a crowd at the World Curling Championships, or being bested in a jousting match by a boastful D-list reality TV star –- I would rank getting killed by a mouthful of deadly peanut butter cookies way up there. If you keel over after stuffing your mouth with Little Debbie crackers, the Fates have played a truly awful trick on your sorry ass.

I’m pretty convinced this is the way in which the human race will finally destroy itself. Not nuclear war or global warming or even Karma getting us back for the way we treat robots, but something stupid like double-stuffed peanut butter Oreos. This may just be a warning. The real killer, when it finally wipes out humankind, will be something even stupider, like HoHos or Ding Dongs. Then when the super intelligent space aliens eventually arrive to explore our little planet, they’ll find what they’ve found all over the galaxy –- yet another planet whose semi-intelligent life was undone by crappy, processed dessert snacks with hilarious names. They’ll have become so jaded and cynical by that point that they’ll just unceremoniously collect all our Thetans in a jar, download all Tom Cruise movies from the Internet for free (because who’s gonna stop them?), and be on their way to dominating the Alpha Quadrant with nothing more than a shrug and half a smile.