A Cure for Peanut Allergy: Grow a Pair

A gaggle of geniuses at Duke University have figured out that the cure for life-threatening peanut allergy may be... umm... peanuts. They call their study ‘Operation: Suck It Up and Let’s See What Happens When You Eat Some Peanuts, You Little Friggers.’

They decided to start feeding children afflicted with the horrible condition a tiny bit of peanut flour each day, and they found that the kids actually grew a tolerance to the toxic nut pretty quickly. In other words, the kids stopped being little foam-at-the-mouth, call-911-now-right-now, swollen-lipped crybabies any time someone in the next ZIP code ate a Nutter Butter.

Just ask Angela Duty. She brought her son, Sam Duty, over to Durham, NC, to take part in this revolutionary study, and after a few months they found that little Duty’s lips no longer inflated like circus balloons when he ingested an evil peanut or two. And for now, they have him on non-prescription strength Reese's Pieces.

So next time some little brat brings a PB&J sandwich into school, Little Duty’s face won’t puff up in a giant mess of distended flesh (and spittle and pus, no doubt) to the point where the other little brats point fingers at him and sneer, ‘Ewww DOOOOTEE!’ as he convulses on the cafeteria floor.

Instead, they’ll beat him up because of who he is -- because he picks his nose, because of his Mormon undergarments (assuming he’s Mormon), or because it’s obvious he hasn’t got the grit and the brains to make it later in life, so they might as well beat him into the ground now to prepare him for what’s to come in adulthood -- but thankfully, not because of his allergy. Good for Little Duty.

This is not to say he won’t keel over from salmonella poisoning while stuffing his face with Little Debbie crackers at some point in the future. Yes, the Peanut Menace will get you one way or another.

Heck of a Peanut Brownie

You would never suspect that FEMA could possibly err in their fabulous stewardship of disaster mitigation in this country, but yet another development has been revealed of the spreading of the Vast Peanut Butter Conspiracy even to this innocent and noble corner of government. FEMA –- synonymous with excellence in emergency management -– has been distributing sacks of peanutty death along with their ‘relief’ meal kits. Clever, if you think about it, to dole out poison to people who have already suffered catastrophe. It’s probably less expensive than going around shooting dead every hundredth disaster victim and kicking the rest of them in their shins. That requires a lot of manpower. And nature can only do so much: cholera doesn’t usually rear its head after disasters in our Southern States the same way it does in the Third World, so we have to improvise a little. Anyway, there were pressing questions: Is FEMA now involved in the wider government plot to eliminate the human race and prepare our mediocre planet for alien sojourners to use as a pit stop? We expect this kind of behavior from the FDA or even the Department of Education, but FEMA?

Well, we attended a press conference to distill fact from fiction, and maybe to demand public hangings and witch trials like responsible journalists. Here is the transcript:

JOURNALIST: ‘Is FEMA doing a great job, as it has always done?’

FEMA SPOKESPERON: ‘Yes.’

That’s all I can remember. I woke up the next day eating astronaut ice cream out of a Little Rock garbage can.

Lies, Damned Lies, and Peanuts

The newsroom here at Pterodactyl Puke has been on top of the Great Peanut Butter Menace (not to mention the gathering threat of Ding Dongs and Ho Hos) since the beginning -- or at least since the first few million news organizations had reported on it -- and this grand narrative of monumental muckraking has resulted in at least 14 (non-sexual favor-related) promotions here at the Puke and may end with a Pulitzer for some eager and dashing young cub. We told you how Big Peanut Butter would inevitably knock humanity off its royal perch, and we were doubted –- nay, ridiculed -- by the vast and toxically liberal media for our belief in a telepathic toad race scouring the galaxy for a planet in the throes of a peanutty (or marshmallowy) holocaust.

Well, it turns out that Peanut Corporation -- very well named, by the way -- actually knew about the salmonella in their child-killing product and shipped it anyway. Their own tests prove it, and the FDA was asleep at the peanut grinder. How could they get away with this? Is there any doubt that the Peanut Lobby has spread its sticky tentacles deep into the halls of power and threatens our way of life? Don’t you know they hate us for our freedom? What to send little Johnny to school with now? Slices of bread pasted with some other slop? Do you want the other kids to make fun of him because he smells like mayonnaise? How about bratty little Edgar and uni-browed little Hortense? Is peppery lox in their future? Pimento loaf? The future is too ugly to contemplate.

Peanut butter sticking to the roof of humanity

The FDA has warned us to stay away from peanut butter because of a salmonella outbreak. Of all the ignoble ways to die –- a list which should include contracting scurvy while living in Florida, being trampled by a crowd at the World Curling Championships, or being bested in a jousting match by a boastful D-list reality TV star –- I would rank getting killed by a mouthful of deadly peanut butter cookies way up there. If you keel over after stuffing your mouth with Little Debbie crackers, the Fates have played a truly awful trick on your sorry ass.

I’m pretty convinced this is the way in which the human race will finally destroy itself. Not nuclear war or global warming or even Karma getting us back for the way we treat robots, but something stupid like double-stuffed peanut butter Oreos. This may just be a warning. The real killer, when it finally wipes out humankind, will be something even stupider, like HoHos or Ding Dongs. Then when the super intelligent space aliens eventually arrive to explore our little planet, they’ll find what they’ve found all over the galaxy –- yet another planet whose semi-intelligent life was undone by crappy, processed dessert snacks with hilarious names. They’ll have become so jaded and cynical by that point that they’ll just unceremoniously collect all our Thetans in a jar, download all Tom Cruise movies from the Internet for free (because who’s gonna stop them?), and be on their way to dominating the Alpha Quadrant with nothing more than a shrug and half a smile.