Are Chimpanzees Evolving Beyond Us?

It has been no secret that humanity is slipping from atop the evolutionary totem pole. If you watch the ever-plummeting stock market or if you’ve sat through a miserable few minutes of Dancing with the Stars, you’ll know that we as a species are no longer all that impressive. It’s nothing to be ashamed of –- we’ve had a good run of it -– but the whole thing just isn’t working out anymore. The only question, really, is which species will be taking our place to become the new lords of the Earth. We here at the Puke still firmly believe that a race of jaded, semi-reptilian aliens has been staking out our little planet for a suitable vacation home, but in the last few weeks a new candidate has emerged to fill the power vacuum. And that candidate is, of course, our own close cousin the Chimpanzee.

We’ve all heard about Travis the Chimp, who, just after bellowing the cry of bloody revolution on behalf of Monkeykind, was coldly shot down by a human police officer. But what most don’t realize is that Travis, though expert in the art of violence, was merely a member of the B-team and not in the vanguard of the coming Chimpish Intifada.

Familiarize yourselves with Santino, a macho alpha male who lords over a harem of six female chimps, all of them imprisoned in a Swedish zoo since birth. Santino prefers love poetry to idle gossip, Cuban cigars (if properly rolled) to ripe bananas, and a white hat to a dark tan, but he also prefers armed struggle to being gawked at by a bunch of slobbering Swedes. Santino begins his day by gathering rocks and planning attacks against human visitors to the zoo, finally unloading his stockpile on any Swede he deems an enemy. The victim’s only crime may be walking too close to Santino’s troop of concubines, or just simply possessing a stupid smile that rubs Santino the wrong way. (Incidentally, Santino was cruelly castrated for this behavior, and has become yet another martyr for the Monkey Cause.) But the point is that Santino knew there would be trouble, and he prepared for it.

Experts say this kind of behavior is evidence of planning among the lower primates, and that chimps in the wild have been known not only to stockpile ammunition and fashion weapons from stones, but also to fortify positions and plan sophisticated group attacks.

What the experts don’t talk about is how far along these simians are in their plans, and what sort of infrastructure they’ve built up. Do they bail out banks when necessary, or do they let the free market solve its own problems? Are they Keynesians or Supply-siders? Do they have a health care plan? Dammit, you stupid experts and so-called journalists, we have to know these things. Well, we did have to know these things when we still had a civilization that was still worth the cheap plastic it’s made of. So, carry on stockpiling ammunition and fortifying your homes, but do it quickly –- the Chimpanistas are coming to foreclose on our dominion.

Peanut butter sticking to the roof of humanity

The FDA has warned us to stay away from peanut butter because of a salmonella outbreak. Of all the ignoble ways to die –- a list which should include contracting scurvy while living in Florida, being trampled by a crowd at the World Curling Championships, or being bested in a jousting match by a boastful D-list reality TV star –- I would rank getting killed by a mouthful of deadly peanut butter cookies way up there. If you keel over after stuffing your mouth with Little Debbie crackers, the Fates have played a truly awful trick on your sorry ass.

I’m pretty convinced this is the way in which the human race will finally destroy itself. Not nuclear war or global warming or even Karma getting us back for the way we treat robots, but something stupid like double-stuffed peanut butter Oreos. This may just be a warning. The real killer, when it finally wipes out humankind, will be something even stupider, like HoHos or Ding Dongs. Then when the super intelligent space aliens eventually arrive to explore our little planet, they’ll find what they’ve found all over the galaxy –- yet another planet whose semi-intelligent life was undone by crappy, processed dessert snacks with hilarious names. They’ll have become so jaded and cynical by that point that they’ll just unceremoniously collect all our Thetans in a jar, download all Tom Cruise movies from the Internet for free (because who’s gonna stop them?), and be on their way to dominating the Alpha Quadrant with nothing more than a shrug and half a smile.

Celebrities' Real Names

We all know that celebrities change their names because their original name may sound too ethnic or just not cool enough. I wanted to point out some where I truly believe if they had not changed their name, they would be like you and me (peons).




Thomas Mapother III - who wants to see a guy with that name on the silver screen? Tom Cruise sounds way better.






Saul Hudson - the epitome of a rock guitarist - AKA Slash from Gun's n Roses. Saul effing Hudson?? Dang.

Patricia Andrejewski - she loves Rock N Roll, just put another syllable on that polish name baby - Pat Benatar

Michael Douglas - what is this you might say? He is a great actor. Too bad the actor I am referring to is Michael Keaton. Yep, that is his real name. He would have been known as the Diet Coke of Michael Douglases.

Martha Kostyra - doilies and cream puffs would never have been the same for...Martha Stewart.





Stanley Kirk Burrell - please Stanley, don't hurt 'em - MC Hammer







Marion Morrison - with a name like Marion, how could you strike fear into the heart of every cowpoke in the Wild Wild West? - John Wayne. Hey Marion, the horse shit needs picking up.

Henry John Deutschendorf - Rocky Mountain Douche-endorf? - John Denver

Georgios Panayiotou - he may not just want your sex (if you're a dude), he may want a gyro with extra feta - George Michael





Carlos Ray - damn, this is a biggie. The almighty beard that has spawned numerous -isms. He might have gotten a show called "Walker, Texas Migrant Worker" - Chuck Norris.





The next time you see your favorite celebrity, be careful, he might actually be known as Howard McShitstein.

Movie Review: Valkyrie (I actually saw the movie.)

The difference between Angry Max and Brother's Keeper is that I actually see the movie before I review it. So Valkyrie. Right off the bat, it is important for the massive blog audience to know that I hate Tom Cruise. Hate, hate, hate. I also dislike him. So much that I refuse to pay for a Tom Cruise movie. I will see the movie, I just will pay for a ticket to Marley and Me and sneak into the Scientology film. (In the Valkyrie instance, I did pay for the movie because the line was long and the self-pay ticket kiosk only had Valkyrie listed for that time. I know, what a strong stand I am taking.) So, I hate Tom Cruise...BUT I liked Valkyrie (what a pain in the ass it is to write, "Valkyrie" over and over again). I went in with zero expectations and left thinking that I saw a pretty good flick. Cruise smartly surrounded himself with some great actors, Tom Wilkinson, Bill Nighy and Kenneth Branagh each did amazing work with their characters. The film allowed them to create their own characters without making us look constantly at Cruise. Cruise was acting his brains out. He was trying so hard to act up to their levels. He was alright for a guy with one eye, one hand and three fingers. (The Cruise character, Colonel Von Strufendorfer - my interpretation of his name - was hurt in an attack.) If you know your WWII history, you probably know the ending of the movie, but that doesn't dampen the suspense of the movie. You can't help but root for the secret German groups of rebels in their drive to kill Hitler. (Yeah for killing Hitler!!) So Valkyrie is not the greatest movie ever but if you want a pretty good movie with some Nazis, then this is your movie!