Lies, Damned Lies, and Peanuts

The newsroom here at Pterodactyl Puke has been on top of the Great Peanut Butter Menace (not to mention the gathering threat of Ding Dongs and Ho Hos) since the beginning -- or at least since the first few million news organizations had reported on it -- and this grand narrative of monumental muckraking has resulted in at least 14 (non-sexual favor-related) promotions here at the Puke and may end with a Pulitzer for some eager and dashing young cub. We told you how Big Peanut Butter would inevitably knock humanity off its royal perch, and we were doubted –- nay, ridiculed -- by the vast and toxically liberal media for our belief in a telepathic toad race scouring the galaxy for a planet in the throes of a peanutty (or marshmallowy) holocaust.

Well, it turns out that Peanut Corporation -- very well named, by the way -- actually knew about the salmonella in their child-killing product and shipped it anyway. Their own tests prove it, and the FDA was asleep at the peanut grinder. How could they get away with this? Is there any doubt that the Peanut Lobby has spread its sticky tentacles deep into the halls of power and threatens our way of life? Don’t you know they hate us for our freedom? What to send little Johnny to school with now? Slices of bread pasted with some other slop? Do you want the other kids to make fun of him because he smells like mayonnaise? How about bratty little Edgar and uni-browed little Hortense? Is peppery lox in their future? Pimento loaf? The future is too ugly to contemplate.