Showing posts with label pope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pope. Show all posts

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Corruption is Bad, or Is It? Yes it is. Really? Yes

The Pope concluded his tour of Africa this week with calls to rid the continent of corruption and poverty and many other bad things. He is pictured here winning a Chrysler convertible during the half-time show. To sum up his speech in Angola (and taking some liberties with the text, in the interest of limited space and time): ‘Bad things are bad, and should be gotten rid of. Good things are good and we should probably keep them.’

Overshadowing this whole sentiment was the controversy over statements he made earlier in the week over the use of condoms to stem the spread of HIV around the continent, and ultimately lost was the lesser known controversy over corruption.

Transparency International, an anti-corruption agency, asserts that corruption is a major hindrance to development in Africa. [Their headquarters are pictured here. Admittedly, it’s hard to photograph their headquarters.] The Puke has obtained a copy of Transparency International’s Bribe Payer’s Index and other reports -- in exchange for a small payment and mostly non-sexual favors to a low-ranking employee -- and all of the reports basically say that corruption is a major problem, and it is indeed widespread and hurtful.

But Transparency International is not without its detractors. One of these is Translucency International, which offered a murky critique by saying that there is a large shape that looks like corruption, but may just be a lady taking a shower -- it’s just too hard to tell with all that steam. Also jumping into the fray was Transparency’s fiercest critic, Opacity International -- supporter of Robert Mugabe, Dick Cheney, TARP, the former Iron Curtain, the East River, and brick walls everywhere -- which argues that nothing is wrong and everything is, in fact, just fine and always has been, so why don’t you shut up?
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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Another Week of Infallibility

Last week’s news of Infallibility revealed that the Vatican probably hired the services of the same team that vetted Tom Daschle and Tim Geithner before they decided to welcome a schismatic Holocaust denier back into the fold. Or, alternatively, the Vatican spends much more time asking un-excommunication candidates if they’ve raped any children lately than they do checking the lapels of those candidates for Swastika pins or Iron Crosses. Even the Infallible have priorities.

Besides, nasty schisms have to be eliminated. (Incidentally, the schismatics were originally excommunicated because they were consecrated as bishops by a guy who thought the French Revolution was wack. Seriously.) If I had to guess at what a Pope likes to do best, I’d say it’s smoothing over a nice juicy schism. Here is what a Pope’s ideal daily To Do List probably looks like:

1) Get rid of a schism.
2) Offend a bunch of people -- millions if possible -- by saying something infallibly stupid.
3) Warn people against the great looming threat of Humanism, or any other movement which has already been widely accepted as a pillar of civilization for centuries.
4) Vespers.

Well, this week the Vatican added something new: giving science its due. They admitted that Darwin probably hit pretty close to the mark with his theory of evolution and that the idea of Intelligent Design is, well, kinda stupid.

What are they going to acknowledge next, you say? That objects in motion tend to stay in motion, etc, etc, or that the shortest distance between two points is a line of the straight-ish variety? (We haven’t heard the Pope admit to those things yet, but we have hope.)

So can we add something new to that To Do List?

5) Admit to something everybody already knows.

I can’t wait for the press conference in the year 2250 when the Pope of that time finally states that steroids are a problem in baseball and that homerun records should be viewed with suspicion. I imagine reporters looking at each other and asking, ‘What’s baseball? Is it anything like soccer?’
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Thursday, December 25, 2008

Happy Thursday

It's important to say something about Christmas. The Pope said his piece, calling for, well, peace, and a renewed militancy against gays. What a nice guy. Even Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is getting all Christmassy, with his own message. There's been a lot of controversy over this, but I for one think it's important to hear from an actual elf for once. [Look at him, saying 'Aw man, it wasn't me.' Adorable. I'll bet someone got a little gray suit under the tree this year.]
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