The TARP

Couldnt they have come up with something a little more catchy than the TARP? "We aim to help the American people by making sure that you don't spill any paint on the floor."

We all know by now that TARP stands for Troubled Asset Relief Program. What you may not know are some other organizations out there instrumental to our success as a nation:

The Financial Assistance Relocation Team is a government agency focusing on lowering overall gas prices for commuters moving from one state to another.

The TransAtlantic International Team is a privately owned company ensuring the safe delivery of Swedish women to the United States.

The Department Of Underwriting Collateral Housing Engagements, a governmental agency focused on the removal of residential greenhouse gases through clean liquid energy.

Finally, the International Ministry of Genetic Assistance Yearly is a secret organization started by Tom Cruise, Liza Minnelli's/Star Jones' husbands, focused on the yearly maintenance of genetic secrets that everyone knows anyway.

Thain's Unthrifty Throne

John Thain resigned in shame from Bank of America. It turns out that he sold Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis a lemon in the form of investment bank Merrill Lynch. And not just any lemon. A black hole lemon that sucks out all the moisture from anyone who tastes its juice, and leaves pillars of salt in its wake. Merrill Lynch lost $15B just a couple of months after Lewis paid $50B for it.

Now, Bank of America is basically insolvent and the economy may be going to holy hell because of all this, but that’s not the real story. Thain also distributed $4 billion in bonuses before the end of the quarter, despite the mammoth losses, but that’s not the real story either. There’s also the fact that he spent $1.2 million renovating his office, but even that’s not the whole story. The real story here is the fact that he spent $35k on a commode. That’s right. Thirty-five thousand dollars on a toilet. A crapper. A cold porcelain shit catcher.

I can’t confess to having ever purchased a toilet, so I’m really not sure if that’s a reasonable sum or not, but I think I’d probably go without one before I’d spend $35k on a dumper. What could possibly make it worth so much? Was it diamond-studded or gold-rimmed? Who cares? Why would these things matter if all you do is deposit a rancid turd into a little swirl of water? It’s not like you’re gonna show your friends. You can’t exactly impress a girl at a party with the fact that you routinely wipe your nasty underside over a bowl designed by Cartier.

The toilet is a place of privacy, of refuge. Some people read magazines or books to occupy their minds. Others just meditate, snatching a few precious moments of alone time. The only thing that would make it better for me would be some other form of entertainment it could provide during my, um, exertions. Not a TV. Maybe a time machine. Not the kind where you get trapped in the distant future trying to save a race of children from underground mutants –- just the kind where you can calmly view the events of humanity or of your own life, future or past, without interfering, all the while dropping a deuce into a little pot. That would be worth it. I’d fork out 35,000 smackers for that. To hell with the shareholders and the financial system and the flailing economy.

Call Me a Bank: Now Pay Me

I've applied to become a bank holding company.

In order to become eligible for billions of dollars in TARP funds, all one has to do is start calling oneself a bank. A 'bank holding company,' to be more specific. American Express received bank holding status today, and so they're getting $3.39B in cash from Emperor Hank Paulson, and they can start borrowing from the Federal Reserve at 0% interest. This follows investment banks Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley, consumer credit company Discover Financial, commercial credit company CIT Group, and probably many more to come. So ask to be called a bank, and get paid.

GMAC, the financing arm of General Motors, on the other hand, had some problems with the application process, I guess. They were denied bank holding status by the Fed because they're not adequately capitalized. What a friggin' joke. Were Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs adequately capitalized when they received TARP funds? Really? Citigroup?

Maybe Washington just likes telling the automakers to go fuck themselves while they ride Wall Street's ever more flaccid hog. That ought to help my case. GM and Chrysler had to jump through hoops for 6 weeks to get the paltry amount of funds now available to them, and we had to hear about how unions have ruined the country and what terrible people autoworkers must be if they're trying to kill the Big 3. Barely a mention of the Southern Republican lawmakers on the payroll of Toyota, Volkswagen and BMW. When I send in my application to Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke for bank holding status, I'll be sure to mention that I am not an automaker and I do not employ any blue-collar workers. Or if I happen to employ any, I will fire them immediately or cut their pay to match the cost of living of some backwater town in Kentucky.

In any case, I believe I am well capitalized -- relatively speaking – and from now on I would like to be called a bank. It reminds me of one of those motivational/self-perception techniques where you look in the mirror and repeat to yourself that you're beautiful and, if you keep repeating 'I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM BEAUTIFUL,' you'll actually start believing it, and if you believe, others will too, and it will become true. Trust me, that doesn't fucking work. But now, by the magic of nearly a trillion dollars – what can't money do? – Mr. Fed Chairman Sir and Henry the Beneficent have made it work. The self-help gurus were right. How beautiful.