A Message from Corporate

It has been brought to our attention that our reporting on monkey matters seems a bit biased in the favor of, well, the monkeys. In response to this criticism, we would like to assure our readers that we are indeed loyal to our own species. In the future, we will try to balance both the monkey view and the crazed, fascist anti-monkey view of all news events with equal weight and thoughtful consideration from now on. For those of you who have emailed us about our supposed traitorous bias, we apologize for the big 'GO EFF YOURSELF!' email you may have received in reply. We consider this matter closed.

There is also the matter of non-monkey-related posts offending people. We apologize for these with the utmost sincerity. 'Learning differences' are not matters for ridicule, nor is any other issue involving people who cannot intelligently speak for themselves. It is our mission to defend the weak and the downtrodden whenever any of our evil corporate sponsors are not the ones doing the trodding down.

Last, to our investors, we would like to reassure them that our financial situation is quite strong. Assuming the housing market is doing well, we should be in great shape. And if slavery is legalized in Western Europe in the near future, then some of our investments in that market should really take off as well. Also, our CFO has just received a series of emails from Nigeria promising lots of free money if we would only open a Swiss bank account with what little capital we still carry. It cannot possibly go wrong.

A Message from Corporate

Our URL has changed to www.pterodactylpuke.com. Isn't it amazing that name wasn't taken? At first, upper management here at the Puke thought this step would be way too much for our over-leveraged balance sheet, especially with all our other expenses to handle -- what with our staff of glamorous international correspondents, our team of in-house Nobel Laureates and sorcerers we hired to master the secret technologies of the Internets, a fleet of corporate jets, the Charles Mingus Big Band (with expanded trombone section) on call 24/7 for musical accompaniment in our 64,000 sq ft of class A office space, our satellite program (to be launched by Romania sometime in 2014), the herd of elephants we hired to march down the length of Italy as a promotional event (as soon as we get the required permits), the seven US Senators we have in our pocket to push through Puke-friendly de-regulation, the steady supply of crack cocaine T-Rex needs to remain functional, our investments in the Las Vegas housing market, legal counsel retained to handle the merit-less lawsuits against us, and the various freelance thugs and gang members we use to intimidate our detractors and rough up plaintiffs in those lawsuits that do have some merit.

Anyway, it turns out a whole domain name is only $10, so we just strapped T-Rex down in a padded room and deprived him of crack for twenty minutes to make up the cost. He wasn't happy -- six interns were killed trying to restrain him -- but you really have to watch your expenses in this economy. Unfortunately, the fee has to be paid annually, and we are not looking forward to next year when he'll be ready for it.