Ptero Thoughts (or how Arod's Man Boobs are on my mind!)

1) I am offended by Arod: Reason #1: the aforementioned man boobs. Have you seen these things? He looks like a Ken doll on stero....uh...well...ok Arod's a jerk for taking steroids. Reason #2: Madonna?!?!? Really?!?!? If you are rich, famous and you have awesome man boobs, are you really looking to tag Madonna? You can make an argument for Madonna circa 1984, but you can't even contemplate Madonna 2009. She looks like she opened the Ark of the Covenant. Arod, be like every other baseball player and get busy with the roadie-skank who sits outside your hotel in Detroit. Reason #3: He is a Yankee. Dick.

2) Michael Phelps: I am not a fan of the illegal drugs. I am also not a fan of big, horse mouths, but I am willing to give Phelps a pass on both. The dude has won 14 gold medals!! 14!! He is a huge dummy for hitting a bong in front of douchey people with cell phone cameras looking to make a buck. Let's be honest, the man is no genius. Have you heard him talk? Did you see him on SNL? I don't think Steve Jobs has to worry about the next big thing coming from the big goon in Speedos.

3)Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg: I like her. I think she personally willed the cancer in her body to stay dormant until Obama was sworn in. She seems like a tough cookie and I think she would not allow herself to die as long as that Republican yutz, Bush, was still in office. Now that Obama is in, she can let go. I hope she doesn't and kicks cancer's ass.

4) The Grammy's: Honestly, I don't know one person who is up for a Grammy. I don't know who Coldplay is. I don't care if P-Diddy gets a flesh eating disease.

5) Today's hottest chicks list (Sexist, sure...sexy, you bet!): 1) Julianne Hough, 2) Rachel Bilson, 3) Kristen Bell. This list is irrefutable.

Super Bowl XLIII

I can't remember a Super Bowl that seemed to garner as little interest as this one. Steelers vs. Seahawks maybe? Bucs vs. Raiders? I don't know, maybe I am still suffering a hang over from my Giants losing but there just seems to be ZERO excitement around this game. Over the last two days Bruce Springsteen has gotten more coverage for his upcoming halftime show than the two teams actually playing in the game. With less than two days until kickoff, lets try and break this thing down.

Is it me or does anyone care that the Arizona Cardinals are one of the teams playing? From what I have read, there has been very little media interest this week in covering the Cardinals. Huh? Offensively, Kurt Warner to Larry Fitzgerald has been pure gold. You have to love how they have played defensively as well. And look, they have zero pressure, none. The only people who really believe in this team are in the Arizona locker room. That fact alone makes a dangerous Cardinal team even more so.

So one might think I would be leaning towards picking the Cards but think again. I will be rooting like heck for the Red Birds but I am going to pick Pittsburgh to win a record setting sixth title. Yeah, it's true, sometimes the best teams don't always win. The Steelers are the better team, especially on the defensive end. But with two weeks off between the conference championships and Super Sunday, the edge goes to the D here. Steelers win, 23-13.

So what else can you look forward to on Super Sunday? Well, for me I am more geared up for the Boss at the half and The Office in the post game. The commercials, despite the new 3-d angle, are overrated and over hyped. Ever since the Timberlake-Jackson titty debacle, the NFL has gotten it right during their halftime shows. We've had Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, Prince and Tom Petty, all stellar. Other favorites: U2 in 2001 after 9/11, and who could ever forget Michael Jackson at the Rose Bowl where there were a bunch of different Michaels coming out of every corner of the stadium? Classic. This year should be another gem with word being Bruce is set to play Glory Days, 10th Avenue Freeze Out, Born to Run and a fourth song, most likely off the new album (yet another strong effort I might add). Should be great. Enjoy!

Two Predictions for the Super Bowl this Sunday

I will be getting drunk....

and eating meat.
WHO'S WITH ME?

Mercy is for Girls

A girls' basketball game in Dallas, TX had the most ridiculous numbers you will ever see in sports. Covenant School beat Dallas Academy by a score of 100 to nothing. That’s right, 100-0. What are they feeding the girls at Covenant? Or better yet, how much lead content is there in the water at Dallas Academy? Couldn’t they just throw the ball up and score at least one basket by accident, and make it a respectable 100-2?

Well, I looked up the web site of Dallas Academy and found that it’s a school for ‘learning differences.’ Okay, now I feel bad. Also, on the web site it says the following: ‘Education reclaimed. Confidence is restored.’ Wow, they have some unorthodox methods, methinks. Do they also make the girls try out at modeling agencies and get rejected? The assignment today, class, is to call Johnny Depp and ask him out on a date. If he says no, you are truly worthless pieces of shit. Next week, you will all apply to Harvard even though we're pretty sure none of you can read. Seriously though, the best I think these girls can do is maybe move to Alaska and become governor.

I also looked up Covenant School. Their charter says, ‘Teaching our girls to beat the snot out of your girls, to bathe in the blood of lesser opponents, and to make sure that girls with learning differences always get their asses handed to them.’

Darth Fedor vs. Andre Arlovski

In the immortal words of a drunken 280 lb. T Rex at his own bachelor party - Ahhhrlovvskiiii?

This Saturday night in the world of Mixed Martial Arts (MMA), Andre "The Pit Bull" Arlovski will be yet another man attempting to take down the most dominant heavyweight fighter we have ever seen, Fedor Emelianenko.

I normally support the UFC only, but you can bet I will be glued to the TV watching this on Saturday night. Both fighters are of Russian descent, both have great footwork and knockout power and both have some prowess on the ground (submissions etc..) Let's break this down:

Knockout power - Edge to Fedor - I have never seen any fighter who has mastered throwing his whole body into every punch.
Boxing - Edge to Arlovski
Submissions - Fedor - loves the armbar.
Gas in the tank - edge to Arlovski - only a slight edge.
Strength - although it doesn't look it by their physique, I say this one goes to Fedor who has, what I like to refer to, as farmboy strength. If you want to say retard strength, fine.
Experience - Fedor - has been competing professionally in Russian Sambo for many years before MMA.
Toughness - big edge to Fedor. Arlovski has shown a suspect chin in few of his fights, and if he makes a mental mistake, it's all over for him. Weak chins and mental mistakes do not mix.
Quickness - Arlovski - can he stay away from Fedor's power and pick him apart?

Conclusion - Arlovski's only chance in this on is to maintain distance and fire out jab upon jab. If he can control the fight and turn it into a 3 round boxing match, he wins. This blogger does not see that happening though.

What will happen, however, is that Fedor will take him to the mat, rough him up a bit and then armbar him in the 2nd round. You heard it here.

The Sports World is Back to Normal...

Ah, all is right in my little universe again. The Eagles blew it and the city of Philadelphia can eat shit once again! Being a NY Giants fan, I have had to sit with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach all week. Losing in the playoff sucks. Losing to a hated rival, at home, well that really sucks. One of the reasons I really love sports is that when you are a fan of any team, I mean a TRUE, live-and-die-with-every-play kind of fan, when you drop a big game, get knocked out of the playoffs, that shit stays with you for a while. For me, I didn't watch SportsCenter once this week. Not once. I couldn't stomach all the Eagles talk. In my mind, they were probably going to beat the Cardinals and then ruin SuperBowl Sunday for me. The thought of it makes me want to puke. Call me a sore loser, that's fine. So, this afternoon I took my dad to see Gran Torino instead of watching what I thought would be an Eagle celebration. (On a side note, great movie, Eastwood is stellar.) Got home just in time to catch U2 and our new President. Then I figured, hey, let me click on the game and maybe, just maybe, the Cards somehow got lucky. Sure enough, halftime, Arizona up 24-6! HOLY SHIT! Could this really happen? Now I am hooked in for the second half. Please let them finish the job and bury these freakin' Philly fans. Then, right on cue, here comes McNabb. 19 unanswered points and I am staring at a 25-24 Eagle lead. My wife asks me why I do it to myself and I have no answer. I mean, can the gods really allow the Phillies to win the World Series and now deliver the Eagles to the promised land? But ah, that Eagle magic found a way to piss it away yet again. God Bless Kurt Warner. Really, the holy roller deserves it. Now we can listen to the Philly faithful moan and groan about pass interference on that 4-and-10 play. Boo-fucking-Hoo. The best part, the absolute BEST PART, is watching that stupid shit-eating grin wiped off McNabb's face in the closing seconds. Just pure bliss for this Giants fan. I can't wait to watch SportsCenter tonight.

BCS Bullshit and the NFL Playoffs...

Before I try and get my NFL playoff picks back on track, a thought or two about last night's BCS Championship Game. One, if last night taught me anything about college football, its that the voting for the Heisman Trophy should be held after all the games are over. Tim Tebow from Florida is the best football player in the country. Maybe not the best quarterback, but the best football player, hands down. Second, I know it will never happen but a playoff system needs to find its way to this sport. If last night's match-up between Oklahoma and Florida had been the culmination of an 8-team or 16-team tournament I could accept that the Gators are the best team in the land. I mean USC or Texas, hell, even Utah woke up today and fully believed they could have taken Tebow and the Gators out and I'm not so convinced that they couldn't. I won't go on a huge rant about the BCS because there is no point, it will never change. This system is ruled by one thing, greed. The millions and millions of dollars these conferences and schools rake in with these idiotic bowls has way more clout than the actual results on the field. As the system operates now, the only result we can get that makes any sense is if two teams meet each other undefeated. How realistic is that? With the quality of teams out there especially in the SEC, Big 12 and Pac-10, isn't asking a team to run the table in order to get a chance at the crystal football a bit of a tall order? Every year it seems like we are left with a handful of one loss squads and the task of trying to determine if losing to Oregon State on the road in September is better or worse then losing to Texas on a neutral field in October. Huh? The system sucks.

On to the real postseason, the NFL Divisional Playoffs. Ok, so Saturday night I saw my Super Bowl dream match-up go up in smoke as Darren Sproles shoved it right up the Colt's ass. I still got one horse in the race though so lets look at the 4 match-ups, or should I say re-matches.

AFC
Baltimore at Tennessee - Two words for you - Ed Reed, Super Bowl XXXV. I like the Ravens for those two reason. Reed is the best defensive player in the league and I am fully convinced he will score at least once in this game. Super Bowl XXXV as in Giants-Ravens Super Bowl, as in Titans QB Kerry Collins nightmare. The Titans are a very, very good football team but I just don't trust Collins in this game and you know the Ravens are going to stop the run. I hate picking a rookie QB here, but I see Baltimore making just enough plays to win something like 14-10.

San Diego at Pittsburgh - Everyone is hot on the Chargers and I am going to follow suit. I don't trust Ben Roethlesberger after the concussion and I can see their offense struggling. Even without L.T., I think the Chargers will keep it going for at least one more week. QB Philip Rivers will have to win it with his arm because I find it hard to believe that the gimmicky Darren Sproles can run wild on the Steelers. Chargers pull out a tight one, 20-13.

NFC
Arizona at Carolina - This has got to be the stinker of the weekend, no? I don't see how anyone can pick the Cardinals on the road after what they showed this season. Their Super Bowl had to be last week. Carolina, a week off, top-notch running game, Steve Smith. Lock it up, the Panthers advance, 31-13.

Philadelphia at New York - A NFC East heated rivalry. The Eagles, the NFL's other hot team, are looking to flip the script on the G-Men and pull off a title run similar to last season. Not going to happen. The Giants will be ready rearing to go come 1 pm on Sunday. Earth, Wind & Fire will have a big day and the NY Giant defense will seal it up late. Giants win, 24-20.

NFL Playoff Picks...

It's my favorite time of year. I love football and I love the NFL. So with the playoffs coming up this weekend, here is how I think it will shake out:

AFC/NFC Wild-Card Weekend - I want to pick all the road teams this weekend but the reality is that those are long odds to come in. So I will go with three on the road to move on to the Divisional Round.

In the AFC:
Indianapolis Colts over the San Diego Chargers - love the way the Colts are playing, nine-straight wins, and San Diego has been too inconsistent all season.

Baltimore Ravens over the Miami Dolphins - Here is where I'll go with the rookie QB in Flacco because of the Ravens defense. Miami is a great story but they aren't ready to win a playoff game yet.

In the NFC:
Philadelphia Eagles over the Minnesota Vikings - No way, no how Tavaris Jackson beats the Eagle defense. Not happening.

Arizona Cardinals over the Atlanta Falcons - Every one is down on the Cardinals so I am making them my one home team pick. They have stunk of late but I have a funny feeling they'll play well at home.

AFC Divisional Round
Baltimore Ravens over the Tennessee Titans - low scoring, great defensive battle. Kerry Collins will pick this, the worst moment, to shit the bed.

Indianapolis Colts over the Pittsburgh Steelers - Steelers offense is overrated and Big Ben will come up small. I think this one gives away my Super Bowl pick.

NFC Divisional Round
New York Giants over the Philadelphia Eagles - G-Men will be rested and ready. And I fucking hate the Eagles.

Carolina Panthers over the Arizona Cardinals - Panthers will have 250 rushing in this one. Won't be close.

Championship Weekend
New York Giants over the Carolina Panthers - Eli will make just enough throws and Jacobs and Ward will lead the way to Tampa on a cold ass day in the Meadowlands in the rematch with the Panthers.

Indianapolis Colts over the Baltimore Ravens - In an unheard of championship game match-up of wild-card teams, Peyton makes it a Manning-Manning Super Bowl. And Peyton is also my vote for NFL MVP. He threw for 4,000+ yards, won nine-straight, lifted his team into the playoffs and did it all without a running game. Impressive.

Super Bowl XLIII
Giants over the Colts - Eli bests his big brother in the Manning Bowl but it's the Big Blue running game and defense that helps deliver the win.

Jets & Mets...Two Peas in a Pod

I can't put my finger on the reason why, but I just love watching the vicious cycle of disappointment continue to pound the life out of Jets and Mets fans. Part of the reason I'm sure is that I am a Yankee and Giant fan, and well, a lifetime of success and winning makes you a bit of a sports snob in that respect. But I find it funny that 90% of all Mets fans are Jets fan and vice versa. Now, I just can't figure this out. I mean, are these people just gluttons for punishment? Do they secretly live a life of back room S&M encounters? Because why else would you allow yourself to be tortured so often and in the same ways by following these two teams? I mean, don't we watch sports and become fans of certain teams to gain enjoyment or to be entertained? Call me a sick pup if you will, but I can't get enough of listening to one Jet or Met fan after another on the radio pour there hearts out about their team and being let down, yet again. I know I shouldn't laugh, but come on, you have to to laugh, no? I mean, to think about what these two franchise's have done, year after year to their fan's is down right comical. The years and years of disappointment, the years and years of almost getting there just to fuck it up right at the moment when it seems a championship is near. Look, there have been some bright spots right? I mean say Game 6 to any Met fan and watch their face light up. And heck, Super Bowl III and Joe Nameth wasn't that long ago, was it? See, the best part of this for me, the sick joke part of it, is that all over this region, one Dad after the next is raising his son or daughter to follow these two teams. Teams that will inevitably rip their hearts out, bring tears to their eyes not because they won one but because they blew another lead or lost another one when they just had to have a win. Just stop. Stop now. Look, I get it. The Mets and Jets both came in to existence around the same time. They shared Shea Stadium for years. The two make sense in being linked together. But the madness needs to end. Pick one and say goodbye to the other. The evil circle of disappointment needs to end. I've know of a few exceptions, guys who like the Mets and Giants and let me tell you, they are much happier. Even when the Mets kill you, the Giants never do. The Giants never tease you, they are either good or they are bad. After the debacle of the last month of the Jets season, every one of those fans is now counting the days off their calender to Mets pitchers and catchers. For me, I can't wait until September when Mr. Met watches another fall slip away along with a 5 game lead with 6 to play.

Mets Show Interest in Shoe Thrower

The New York Mets are reportedly interested in signing Muntadar al-Zaidi to round out their rotation. The New York Metropolitans could use a guy with some spunk, a little zest, a guy who knows what a Baghdad prison is like – a guy who can actually throw. Al-Zaidi hurled himself (and his shoes) into the spotlight last week when he basically acted out what the world was thinking and hucked a pair of shoes at President George W. Bush.



Said Mets General Manager Omar Minaya, 'We liked him even before the shoe incident because we heard he was some random dude and that he had a pulse. Well, we couldn't verify the pulse thing, but we were pretty certain he was some random dude, and that really piqued our interest. Now that we see he can control his throwing action and actually repeat his delivery, we've decided to have him start opening day. We'll put a picture of Bush in the catcher's mitt to help him along, and we've promised to behead all Sunnis and Kurds on the team before next Ramadan. You know, kind of a signing bonus.'

The famed shoe-thrower Mr. al-Zaidi could hardly have been restrained when he responded to the interest by Minaya and the Mets ownership -- if he wasn't already restrained by head-to-toe shackles and the iron bars of his dark, musty cell. 'In Saddam's time, this was a very lucrative job,' said al-Zaidi, bubbling with enthusiasm. 'People skilled in the art of choking would be paid very well. I miss those days. Now in New York City Queens they pay twenty-five men millions of American dollars every year to be Choke Artists.'

Sources say that right-handed pitcher Tim Redding has been thinking of having a go at Prime Minister of Canada Stephen Harper. But for now, he's just practicing throwing his Birkenstocks at passing traffic in his hometown of Rochester.