A Cure for Peanut Allergy: Grow a Pair

A gaggle of geniuses at Duke University have figured out that the cure for life-threatening peanut allergy may be... umm... peanuts. They call their study ‘Operation: Suck It Up and Let’s See What Happens When You Eat Some Peanuts, You Little Friggers.’

They decided to start feeding children afflicted with the horrible condition a tiny bit of peanut flour each day, and they found that the kids actually grew a tolerance to the toxic nut pretty quickly. In other words, the kids stopped being little foam-at-the-mouth, call-911-now-right-now, swollen-lipped crybabies any time someone in the next ZIP code ate a Nutter Butter.

Just ask Angela Duty. She brought her son, Sam Duty, over to Durham, NC, to take part in this revolutionary study, and after a few months they found that little Duty’s lips no longer inflated like circus balloons when he ingested an evil peanut or two. And for now, they have him on non-prescription strength Reese's Pieces.

So next time some little brat brings a PB&J sandwich into school, Little Duty’s face won’t puff up in a giant mess of distended flesh (and spittle and pus, no doubt) to the point where the other little brats point fingers at him and sneer, ‘Ewww DOOOOTEE!’ as he convulses on the cafeteria floor.

Instead, they’ll beat him up because of who he is -- because he picks his nose, because of his Mormon undergarments (assuming he’s Mormon), or because it’s obvious he hasn’t got the grit and the brains to make it later in life, so they might as well beat him into the ground now to prepare him for what’s to come in adulthood -- but thankfully, not because of his allergy. Good for Little Duty.

This is not to say he won’t keel over from salmonella poisoning while stuffing his face with Little Debbie crackers at some point in the future. Yes, the Peanut Menace will get you one way or another.

Million Dollar Baby

If you’ve ever played Backgammon with a 4-year-old, you’ll know that it can make you feel pretty good about yourself and maybe make you feel smarter than you really are. There's something about dominating a lesser opponent that elicits a mindset of tranquility and contentedness in a man like nothing else can. Also, kids say stupid things often enough that you can use it for a steady source of comedic material.

But if you play long enough, the youngster’s game starts to evolve before your eyes as he develops new understanding. He soon reveals himself to be some kind of prodigy, Backgammon’s Chosen One, as foretold by the prophets, placed on Earth to rethink and revolutionize the strategies of the game, and to broaden its appeal, bringing it out of the nursing homes and to the masses, making it popular among people under the age of a hundred. This could be what he was meant for, and you’ve discovered it for him –- at such a young age! He will soon outgrow you in backgammon acuity, and you’ll present no challenge for him at all. He'll need new and better competition and a master of the game to hone his skill and slake his unslakable thirst for Backgammon wisdom. Fame, glory, and wealth are right around the corner. It’s profoundly satisfying to have discovered such a great talent! You can’t help but feel proud, and you realize you have to act on this immediately, so you say something like: ‘Let’s play basketball now. And this time, I’m not gonna take it easy on you. Also, afterward, I'm selling you into slavery, you little punk.'