Movie Reviews: Blue Penis, Pothead and a Recessive Horse Gene.

There seems to be some bitching among the natives about my lack of blogging recently...or, well, ever. Although there has never been a Pterodactyl Puke business plan saying that I am the movie review guy, I really don't have any actual writing skills. So movie review guy it is. Unlike Angry Max who is able to fart out a brilliant post every three hours, I seem to need actual time to write one. The upshot is that I am a bit behind on my reviews. So you are getting blessed with a compilation movie review post! How excited are you!?!?!?

1. Taken
I realize in looking back that I mentioned Taken in a previous post but never actually reviewed it. Liam Neeson is awesome. He is my hero. The movie is the perfect guy movie. He kicks ass and doesn't bother taking names. Best action film of the year. Also, his wife just died, so go see this damn movie.

2. Watchmen
This movie is 163 minutes long. For the stupid among us that is 2 hours and 43 minutes. I mean really!!! Who the f' do you think you are you pretentious, comic book movie making pieces of crap?!?! My butt fell asleep around minute 94 and it never recovered. I was walking like Terry Fox for an hour after the movie. This movie is about super heroes who fight crime in a world where the U.S. wins Vietnam and Nixon remains president. The movie had some good points but you could have cut out an hour and you would have lost nothing. Also, there was a pretty disturbing blue penis popping up every few minutes on screen during the entire movie. That was not necessary. Only see this if you can name all the Green Lanterns in the comic books.

3. I Love You, Man
I loved Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It is one of my favorite comedies over the past few years. This movie is not that. Jason Segal and Paul Rudd are in both movies, but for some reason Jason Segal doesn't translate. Paul Rudd does a good job playing the straight man. Segal plays the same character we have seen a thousand times, the slacker, pothead who is getting along just fine. I am so sick of that character. Ya know why? Because I have to get up every morning and go to work. With all the work I do, I don't have a cool-guy hangout with drums and guitars. Well, screw pothead character, I don't want to have to watch his cool, bullshit life. I laughed a couple times. Get this movie on Netflix, maybe.

4. Duplicity
This a spy movie and I love a good spy movie. This movie focuses on the industrial espionage side of spying. Two competing companies try to steal each other's ideas. Julia Roberts and Clive Owen have great chemistry as the leads. They are fun to watch. They are a couple trying to screw the companies they spy for, while at the same time they are not sure if they can really trust each other. My problem with this movie is the problem I have with all Julia Roberts movies. Who made the decision that Julia Roberts is good looking? Cuz, she's not. In fact, I think she is ugly. She has a horse mouth and oddly pointed facial features. Every guy in the world gets that Julia Roberts is ugly. Women, on the other hand, think she is the essence of beauty. I think that women have some sort of recessive horse gene that makes it impossible to think Julia Seabiscuit is ugly. The movie makes Julia Roberts seem like this hot, sexy spy. You need to suspend disbelief for that, but once you do that, you're fine.

Oscar Recap...

Can you say Five-for-Five Baby! T-Rex hits on all five major categories. And you can throw in my vote for Wall-E to make it six. Well it was a Slumdog kinda night. Despite what Brother's Keeper says, it is the best film of the year. A truly warm movie filled with a message of love and hope. I am thrilled it won.

A few other random thoughts... As much as I despised the thought of Hugh Jackman doing his musical numbers, I loved the opening to the show. Very funny especially the bit about The Reader, great stuff... Loved the curtain getting messed up in the opening segment and hearing some guy named Steve get yelled at behind the scenes. You had to listen close, but it was there. Poor Steve. I bet he was killed for that gaff... What the hell was with the music playing behind everyone talking all night? Freakin annoying... As I predicted, once the technical stuff started, the show ground to a halt. The banter between Tina Fey and Steve Martin and Ben Stiller doing a spot on Joaquin Phoenix barely saved that hour...

As much as I loved the opening musical number, I loathed the second one with Beyonce -- just not my thing... Hey, thanks Queen Latifah for ruining one of my favorite parts of the show (people who died) with your super crappy singing... Was it just me or did anyone else find the whole Eddie Murphy to Jerry Lewis thing kind of weird? Maybe the coolest part of the whole night, how about that guy balancing the Oscar on his chin! I wasn't sure about the whole former winner introducing the nominees at the start, but it grew on me by the end. Although I still love the clips.

Ok, I admit it, I got a bit teary eyed for Heath's win. Death or not, his Joker was haunting and a hell of a performance... My favorite speech of the night I think was Danny Boyle for Best Director, loved the whole Tigger thing... Sean Penn a close second. I am not a big fan of him usually, but he was good, pretty humble...The only thing I am really bummed about is that Doubt went home with nothing. It was a really, really great movie. Check it out if you haven't seen it... The two films I haven't seen but are now musts for me based on tonight are Milk and the documentary winner Man on Wire...Lastly, I think this was an amazing year for movies, both in the films nominated tonight and the many that weren't, (insert shameless Dark Knight plug here). 2009 has a lot to live up to.

Ptero Oscar Preview

So its seems that the Academy Awards are this weekend. It also seems that I have not finished my reviews of the Oscar nominated movies. If you look a smidge closer, you might also see that I have not written an Oscar preview yet. The aforementioned lack of blogging causes great consternation with the Ptero Overlord, Angry Max. So, in order to avoid my getting beaten with the smarty pants stick which Angry Max uses to write his blogs, here is my cut-to-the-chase, no bull, down-and-dirty, to-the-point, no delays, quicker-than-quick, Reader's Digest version, straight talk express Ptero Oscar Review.

Here are the reviews I never got to:

Frost/Nixon: Well, it seems that David Frost was a hep cat in his day and, oddly enough, Nixon was not. The movie is about a series of interviews between David Frost and Richard Nixon after Nixon resigned the presidency. Today's equivalent would be if Ryan Seacrest interviewed Dick Cheney (with the only difference being that Ryan Seacrest is a complete douche). Well, hilarity ensues. Actually, it doesn't. It is amazing how much drama they can squeeze out of two guys talking to each other. I liked it, but it's not gonna win crap.

The Wrestler: What the hell did Mickey Rourke do to his face?!?! The Wrestler is about the tragic downfall of a former wrestling superstar, but nothing is as tragic as Mickey Rourke's plastic surgery-modified face. That being said, Mickey Rourke is absolutely fantastic in the movie. He deserves to win the Best Actor Oscar, hands down. The movie is pretty good, too. A little hard to take, but a very good film. Movie bonus: Marisa Tomei is naked for no apparent reason.

Slumdog Millionaire: Prepare yourself to boo and hiss me. I am the only person in the entire world who doesn't think this is a great movie. I understand that I am alone in my thoughts, but I am the only person who is right. This movie is okay, but it is so movie perfect. By that I mean that all the ends are tied up perfectly and though you see a lot of bad things in the movie, never for one second do you doubt where it is going. It does NOT deserve the Oscar for Best Picture, but it will, 100%, be the winner for Best Picture. Why? Because we in America love whatever is deemed as the cool thing, and Slumdog is the cool movie. Trust me, no one is gonna be putting Slumdog on their Netflix list in 5 years.

Milk: Just couldn't get myself to see it. Not because of the movie, but because I just couldn't stand two-plus hours of bad seventies haircuts. I had the chance to see it one afternoon and I chose Taken instead. It may be the best decision of my entire life. Liam Neeson should get the Oscar for Best Kick-Ass Dad and if you don't agree with me, Liam Neeson will come to your house and kill your family.

My Oscar picks:

Supporting Actor
If there is any justice in the world, Robert Downey, Jr. will win for the gutsiest and funniest performance of the year as a white guy playing a white guy playing a black guy in Tropic Thunder. But he has NO CHANCE because Heath Ledger will win. There is nothing like death to boost your popularity in Hollywood.


Supporting Actress
Viola Davis + snot = Oscar.

Lead Actor
Mickey Rourke plays washed up druggie, deaf loser perfectly. (Type-casting?) He should win. But Sean Penn may sneak in here.

Lead Actress
Meryl Streep gave the best perfomance of the year in Doubt. She was able to keep a straight face while Viola Davis had boogers coming out of her nose. She should win. Kate Winslet has a pretty good chance here because she played a naked, Nazi pedophile, which is right up the Academy's alley.

Animated Feature
Wall-E should have been nominated for best picture. There is no dialogue for at least the first 15 minutes and it works. I also can do a mean Wall-E impression.

Best Picture
If you are still reading this, you know my feelings about this. Slumdog will win but it shouldn't. Who should win? Well, it's funny you should ask because I happen to know the answer. The winner for Best Picture should be........Doubt. Final answer. (That is a Slumdog inside joke. It is funny, trust me.)

What Sucks About the Oscars....

Sunday brings the 81st Annual Academy Awards. I'm a total mark for the Oscars but for a guy who loves movies as much as I do, there is plenty to hate about the never ending evening of glitz and glamour. First off, the whole pre-show shenanigans. I wouldn't mind if they actually asked questions that made any sense. Instead of hearing what Sean Penn is wearing, wouldn't you rather find out if got he even a little chubbed up making out with that dude in Milk? I will say this, seeing the freak show that is Joan Rivers does entertain me for a brief moment. What the hell is going on with her face? They should find a way to get Travis the Chimp back up and running and let that crazy ape loose on her grill.

Next, the host. I liked Jon Stewart last year but most of the time they roll out some comedian or Whoopie and it's all hype. They really have nothing to do. This year we get Hugh Jackman. Wolverine. Fuck this guy and his fruity antics. Unless he walks out there and pops the claws -- snikt! snikt! -- I've got no use for him. I mean, Bruce Springsteen gets snubbed for his song but I will have to watch this fairy hop around singing some medley. Bullshit.

Last, get rid of all the technical awards. Every other awards show does it, so can you. All I care about are director, actors, actresses, picture, screenplay and song depending on the year. The rest -- no need to show. We don't know the people, we won't remember them and their getting the early play off the stage has grown old.

As for some predictions:
Best Picture - One word: Slumdog. Sunday should and better be all about Slumdog Millionaire. It's the best film of the year. I don't want to hear about The Reader pulling an upset.

Best Director - A super strong field, all very deserving but I think Danny Boyle will win for Slumdog.

Best Actor - I am going to go with Sean Penn for Milk. Many people are pulling for Mickey Rourke here, and whereas I think he was excellent in The Wrestler, I have to agree with Howard Stern in that I think he was playing virtually a version of himself. This is a two-dog race and Penn gets my nod.

Best Actress - The odds seem to sit with Kate Winslet, and I think she will probably win but I am going to be rooting for Meryl Streep for Doubt. A great little movie that seems to have gotten a bit ignored outside of the nods for its actors. She is the class of this category and had the best showing this year.

Best Supporting Actor - Heath Ledger. Will win and should win. Amazing, amazing performance. Gave me chills. I also loved Robert Downey, Jr. in Tropic Thunder but this is Ledger's award.

Best Supporting Actress - If somehow having a great ass and sweet tits wins you an award, then Marissa Tomei should get an acceptance speech ready. But something tells me Penelope Cruz will win. Honorable mention nod to Viola Davis in Doubt for the best showing by snot this year.

A few other notes - Wall-E will win for animated picture but could have earned a best picture nod in my opinion. One of the best movies this year and had a great message. I hope Presto wins for animated short, The Dark Knight wins something, and somehow Springsteen's The Wrestler wins even though it's not nominated. Bullshit.

Movie Review: The Reader

If you like boobs, pedophilia and Nazis, then do I have a movie for you!!!

You've got to hand it to Kate Winslet. She has no problem dropping trow. At this point, I feel uncomfortable watching a movie if Winslet has her clothes on. Our Titanic friend (she is, actually, not titanic but pretty slim in this movie, although, she is not well manicured... if you get my drift. Wink, wink. Ahem.) doesn't waste anytime getting her clothes off in The Reader. The story revolves around a fifteen year old --yes, I said 15-- boy's affair with a ticket taker (Winslet) on the local trolley. The boy is helped by the woman when he is overtaken with an illness while walking home from school. As we all know, if you follow movies, it is impossible not to fall in love with someone after they vomit all over your front steps. The woman checks out his underage tuckus while he is bathing and yada, yada, yada...pedophilia! The movie is pretty graphic. At one point it looks like Winslet's character is checking the boy's oil. Winslet is naked, the boy is naked and he reads to her.

So, get this, the grown woman having sex with the underage boy is NOT the big, dirty secret in the movie! The movie is set in Germany and flashes forward many years after the affair. The young boy is now in law school and he goes with his class to watch a Nazi trial. Well, who is on trial as the big Nazi???? Yup, Tom Cruise!!!! Ok, I made that up. Winslet was a Nazi guard. That is the big twist. She gets convicted for something that she wasn't fully responsible for. Flash forward a few more years and Ralph Fiennes (who manages to keep his clothes on) is now the young boy turned full grown attorney. He is the only person in the world that she has but he can't bear to talk to her, so he reads her books on tape. Not kidding, he reads books onto a tape machine for the woman who molested him as a boy and IS A NAZI!!!!!!!

The movie is well made and written, but it is tough to watch. Kate Winslet is incredible. She deserves the Oscar nomination, but Meryl Streep should win Best Actress for Doubt. If you have a great hankering for Nazi molester boobs, then run to see The Reader.

Celebrities' Real Names

We all know that celebrities change their names because their original name may sound too ethnic or just not cool enough. I wanted to point out some where I truly believe if they had not changed their name, they would be like you and me (peons).




Thomas Mapother III - who wants to see a guy with that name on the silver screen? Tom Cruise sounds way better.






Saul Hudson - the epitome of a rock guitarist - AKA Slash from Gun's n Roses. Saul effing Hudson?? Dang.

Patricia Andrejewski - she loves Rock N Roll, just put another syllable on that polish name baby - Pat Benatar

Michael Douglas - what is this you might say? He is a great actor. Too bad the actor I am referring to is Michael Keaton. Yep, that is his real name. He would have been known as the Diet Coke of Michael Douglases.

Martha Kostyra - doilies and cream puffs would never have been the same for...Martha Stewart.





Stanley Kirk Burrell - please Stanley, don't hurt 'em - MC Hammer







Marion Morrison - with a name like Marion, how could you strike fear into the heart of every cowpoke in the Wild Wild West? - John Wayne. Hey Marion, the horse shit needs picking up.

Henry John Deutschendorf - Rocky Mountain Douche-endorf? - John Denver

Georgios Panayiotou - he may not just want your sex (if you're a dude), he may want a gyro with extra feta - George Michael





Carlos Ray - damn, this is a biggie. The almighty beard that has spawned numerous -isms. He might have gotten a show called "Walker, Texas Migrant Worker" - Chuck Norris.





The next time you see your favorite celebrity, be careful, he might actually be known as Howard McShitstein.

Movie Review: Doubt (Or how you can have a great movie that features long fingernails and runny noses)

Doubt doesn't seem to be making many best movie awards lists this season, and I am not sure why. I thought the movie was great. Granted, I have not seen all the major movies yet, but this is the best movie I've seen this year. Meryl Streep is just the best actor out there. Period. She so completely turns herself into my seventh grade math teacher, Sister Helen Maguire, that I kinda got a little nauseous. Sister Helen was the single scariest person I have ever met in my life. She required us to bring a number 2 pencil into class with us every day, and she would call us up to her desk, row by row, to inspect our pencils and our work. One day, my friend Frankie forgot his. I had an extra, but it was unsharpened. As Sister Helen started calling the rows up, Frankie panicked. He was in the fourth row. Sweating and starting to foam at the mouth, he took the unsharpened pencil and chewed the end until it was sharp enough to write. It worked. Frankie lived to see another day. Meryl Streep brought me back completely to that time.

Doubt is about a stern nun who is a principal at a Catholic school in the sixties. She suspects that the parish priest, a popular, jovial fellow played by Philip Seymour Hoffman, is screwing around with one of the male students. The movie seems to take the side of the priest, making you like the priest and dislike the nun. The high point of the movie is when Streep and Seymour Hoffman go toe to toe, with their verbal battles being better than most action films these days.

This wouldn't be a Brother's Keeper movie review if I just thought about the actual movie and plot. I was mesmerized by Phillip Seymour Hoffman's long fingernails. The movie actually uses it as a plot point. WTF?!?! Seriously, they show his long fingernails and he talks about them a couple times. Doubt makes us look at Hoffman's chubby hands and sausage fingers up close, so that we can see these gross fingernails. The playwright / director has a fetish and it makes me feel all gross inside. Also, there is a great performance by Viola Davis as the boy's mother. She is phenomenal. The most phenomenal thing about her acting is how she is able to control the snot dripping out of her nose while she's speaking. Her nose is running and clearly featured in a scene. The runny ooze comes out just perfectly to right above her lip and stops there. She then gives the performance of her life. I don't know about you but having a runny snot on my upper lip is the most annoying thing in the universe. I must wipe it off immediately. (In fact, I would have used Hoffman's long fingernails to knock the snot off.) Not Viola Davis. She is able to give an Oscar worthy performance with gooey boogers on her lip. Fantastic.

Go see Doubt. It's a great movie. By the way, as scary as Sister Helen was, she was an excellent teacher, and she kept her fingernails neatly trimmed.

Maybe it's because I'm Brown but...

Slumdog Millionaire is the best movie of 2008, without question, hands down, everybody shut up you're all wrong and I'm right. Nothing even comes close. The Dark Knight is a joke, a stinking snooze-fest, a waste of time and money and light and noise, an exercise in putrid profligacy. Heath Ledger, while not completely inept in the movie, over-acted and underperformed. Flitting around the screen hysterically is not acting. Just because the poor guy died of an Olsen-twin-related overdose doesn't mean he should automatically be given the most prestigious award in the business. Then we come to Christian Bale. I've seen lamp posts with more acting skill. And his voice as Batman! The whole movie, I just wanted to reach through the screen and hand the guy a lozenge.

All in all, with the exception of Slumdog, there really weren't any movies released in 2008 that I know of. Remember 2007, when we had There Will Be Blood and No Country for Old Men? Thanks, 2008, for reminding me once again what a stanky little whore you were.

My Top-10...

Here is my top-10 favorite movies of 2008. There are two flicks still on my radar in The Wrestler and Gran Torino but because I don't live in NY or LA, this list will have to go on without them. This list is really my #1 pick and everything else. I loved The Dark Knight and have now watched it I think 5 times and it just keeps getting better. Every other movie on my list, given the day, could move up or down. Anyway, here you go with a honorable mention list and a few of my picks for the worst movies I've seen this year. I've seen everything on this list at least once. So if there is a flick you can think of that is not here, I either never saw it or I thought it was just mehhh.

1. The Dark Knight
2. Tropic Thunder
3. Wall-E
4. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
5. Iron Man
6. Burn After Reading
7. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
8. Pineapple Express
9. Hellboy II - The Golden Army
10. The Incredible Hulk
Honorable Mention: The Bank Job, Shine a Light, Rambo, 21, Smart People, Valkyrie, Kung Fu Panda, Get Smart, Step Brothers, Zak and Miri Make a Porno, Quantum of Solace

Just Horrible, Pieces of Shit: Jumper, Be Kind Rewind, Vantage Point, 10,000 B.C. (May be the worst movie I have ever seen), Drillbit Taylor, The Love Guru, Star Wars The Clone Wars, Twilight

Movie Review: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button "A solid 7 on the Ptero meter"

It seems that I will have to do the heavy lifting when it comes to movie reviews around here. Three members of this blog went to see Benjamin Buttons (plural is done on purpose to tick off Barb Dwyer), yet no review. Instead we see cheap "one line with a picture" posts. So Buttons, they really should rename the movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Mumbles. I don't think I have ever been to a movie, without subtitles, where I didn't understand half of what the actors were saying. Everyone was mumbling. Part of the movie was narrated by a 90 year old woman on her death bed with an enormous amount of morphine running through her system. Annunciation wasn't the character's motivation. I didn't really understand alot of what was being said, but I enjoyed the movie. It had a fantastical element to it. Everything was heightened. It reminded me of the TV show Pushing Daisies. If Pushing Daisies and the movie, Forrest Gump had a torrid affair in a run down, sleazy, backwater motel in southern Dixie, then The Curious Case of Benjamin Button would be their dirty love child. Buttons runs 2 hours and 47 minutes. They could have chopped out a good hour of film and it would have made the movie better. (It would have been particularly better for my ass, which went numb around the second hour mark.) Buttons is about a man who was born old and, as he ages, actually gets younger. Fascinating concept for a movie and I ate it up. Brad Pitt and Cat Blanchett were pretty good. Because of the heightened tone of the movie, the acting was over the top. It took a little getting used to, but once you did, it was fine. The movie is a solid 7 on the Ptero meter. Buttons is definitely worth the 3 hour commitment. Look out for the best gag in movies this year, the guy getting hit by lightning. I am also proud to say that in the 3 hour experience of this movie I manage to neither shoot nor be shot by another human being. Who says America is not the greatest country in the world!?!?

The Curious Case of Getting Shot at the Movies

For those of us who plan to plunk down $10 this holiday season to catch Brad Pitt's The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, please, please, please be on your best behavior. Especially if you live in Philly. Seems folks down in the City of Brotherly Love sure do love them some Brad Pitt flicks and, well, if you happen to be a bit chatty when watching the movie, you could get shot. Check this story out. One James Cialella became so incensed by a father and son talking during a screening of Benjamin Button, he not only pulled out a gun but shot the guy in the arm. Now, as if it can't get better, Cialella calmly sat back down and continued to watch the flick as the rest of the theatre bolted out of fear.

Now, I am not going to go so far as to encourage shooting someone at the movies for talking, but hey, I dig the message. It's about time people started shutting the fuck up at the movies. But is it ever OK to talk during a movie? I would say yes, like if your watching The New World, you just can't help but comment on how shitty it is or to even just flat out moon the screen at the end. Or, hey if the guy in the seat next to you just keeps burping the whole time and the smell can only be compared to a mix of burnt bologna and farts, then yeah I think its fair to speak up. But what I know for sure is this, I think we can say it will now never be safe to talk during a Brad Pitt movie. Ever, ever again. It's just not worth the risk.

Movie Review: Valkyrie (I actually saw the movie.)

The difference between Angry Max and Brother's Keeper is that I actually see the movie before I review it. So Valkyrie. Right off the bat, it is important for the massive blog audience to know that I hate Tom Cruise. Hate, hate, hate. I also dislike him. So much that I refuse to pay for a Tom Cruise movie. I will see the movie, I just will pay for a ticket to Marley and Me and sneak into the Scientology film. (In the Valkyrie instance, I did pay for the movie because the line was long and the self-pay ticket kiosk only had Valkyrie listed for that time. I know, what a strong stand I am taking.) So, I hate Tom Cruise...BUT I liked Valkyrie (what a pain in the ass it is to write, "Valkyrie" over and over again). I went in with zero expectations and left thinking that I saw a pretty good flick. Cruise smartly surrounded himself with some great actors, Tom Wilkinson, Bill Nighy and Kenneth Branagh each did amazing work with their characters. The film allowed them to create their own characters without making us look constantly at Cruise. Cruise was acting his brains out. He was trying so hard to act up to their levels. He was alright for a guy with one eye, one hand and three fingers. (The Cruise character, Colonel Von Strufendorfer - my interpretation of his name - was hurt in an attack.) If you know your WWII history, you probably know the ending of the movie, but that doesn't dampen the suspense of the movie. You can't help but root for the secret German groups of rebels in their drive to kill Hitler. (Yeah for killing Hitler!!) So Valkyrie is not the greatest movie ever but if you want a pretty good movie with some Nazis, then this is your movie!

Movie Review: Valkyrie

I'm not gonna get lost in specifics here, but this is one awful movie. Tom Cruise wearing an eye patch. Nuff said. I am a firm believer that the characters in any historical film, where the action does not take place in the US, ought to have British accents. Tom Cruise sounding like Tom Cruise just doesn't cut it here. I give it one dead thumbs down and a stroke-affected sideways thumb.