The TARP

Couldnt they have come up with something a little more catchy than the TARP? "We aim to help the American people by making sure that you don't spill any paint on the floor."

We all know by now that TARP stands for Troubled Asset Relief Program. What you may not know are some other organizations out there instrumental to our success as a nation:

The Financial Assistance Relocation Team is a government agency focusing on lowering overall gas prices for commuters moving from one state to another.

The TransAtlantic International Team is a privately owned company ensuring the safe delivery of Swedish women to the United States.

The Department Of Underwriting Collateral Housing Engagements, a governmental agency focused on the removal of residential greenhouse gases through clean liquid energy.

Finally, the International Ministry of Genetic Assistance Yearly is a secret organization started by Tom Cruise, Liza Minnelli's/Star Jones' husbands, focused on the yearly maintenance of genetic secrets that everyone knows anyway.

Movie Review: The Reader

If you like boobs, pedophilia and Nazis, then do I have a movie for you!!!

You've got to hand it to Kate Winslet. She has no problem dropping trow. At this point, I feel uncomfortable watching a movie if Winslet has her clothes on. Our Titanic friend (she is, actually, not titanic but pretty slim in this movie, although, she is not well manicured... if you get my drift. Wink, wink. Ahem.) doesn't waste anytime getting her clothes off in The Reader. The story revolves around a fifteen year old --yes, I said 15-- boy's affair with a ticket taker (Winslet) on the local trolley. The boy is helped by the woman when he is overtaken with an illness while walking home from school. As we all know, if you follow movies, it is impossible not to fall in love with someone after they vomit all over your front steps. The woman checks out his underage tuckus while he is bathing and yada, yada, yada...pedophilia! The movie is pretty graphic. At one point it looks like Winslet's character is checking the boy's oil. Winslet is naked, the boy is naked and he reads to her.

So, get this, the grown woman having sex with the underage boy is NOT the big, dirty secret in the movie! The movie is set in Germany and flashes forward many years after the affair. The young boy is now in law school and he goes with his class to watch a Nazi trial. Well, who is on trial as the big Nazi???? Yup, Tom Cruise!!!! Ok, I made that up. Winslet was a Nazi guard. That is the big twist. She gets convicted for something that she wasn't fully responsible for. Flash forward a few more years and Ralph Fiennes (who manages to keep his clothes on) is now the young boy turned full grown attorney. He is the only person in the world that she has but he can't bear to talk to her, so he reads her books on tape. Not kidding, he reads books onto a tape machine for the woman who molested him as a boy and IS A NAZI!!!!!!!

The movie is well made and written, but it is tough to watch. Kate Winslet is incredible. She deserves the Oscar nomination, but Meryl Streep should win Best Actress for Doubt. If you have a great hankering for Nazi molester boobs, then run to see The Reader.

Peanut butter sticking to the roof of humanity

The FDA has warned us to stay away from peanut butter because of a salmonella outbreak. Of all the ignoble ways to die –- a list which should include contracting scurvy while living in Florida, being trampled by a crowd at the World Curling Championships, or being bested in a jousting match by a boastful D-list reality TV star –- I would rank getting killed by a mouthful of deadly peanut butter cookies way up there. If you keel over after stuffing your mouth with Little Debbie crackers, the Fates have played a truly awful trick on your sorry ass.

I’m pretty convinced this is the way in which the human race will finally destroy itself. Not nuclear war or global warming or even Karma getting us back for the way we treat robots, but something stupid like double-stuffed peanut butter Oreos. This may just be a warning. The real killer, when it finally wipes out humankind, will be something even stupider, like HoHos or Ding Dongs. Then when the super intelligent space aliens eventually arrive to explore our little planet, they’ll find what they’ve found all over the galaxy –- yet another planet whose semi-intelligent life was undone by crappy, processed dessert snacks with hilarious names. They’ll have become so jaded and cynical by that point that they’ll just unceremoniously collect all our Thetans in a jar, download all Tom Cruise movies from the Internet for free (because who’s gonna stop them?), and be on their way to dominating the Alpha Quadrant with nothing more than a shrug and half a smile.

Celebrities' Real Names

We all know that celebrities change their names because their original name may sound too ethnic or just not cool enough. I wanted to point out some where I truly believe if they had not changed their name, they would be like you and me (peons).




Thomas Mapother III - who wants to see a guy with that name on the silver screen? Tom Cruise sounds way better.






Saul Hudson - the epitome of a rock guitarist - AKA Slash from Gun's n Roses. Saul effing Hudson?? Dang.

Patricia Andrejewski - she loves Rock N Roll, just put another syllable on that polish name baby - Pat Benatar

Michael Douglas - what is this you might say? He is a great actor. Too bad the actor I am referring to is Michael Keaton. Yep, that is his real name. He would have been known as the Diet Coke of Michael Douglases.

Martha Kostyra - doilies and cream puffs would never have been the same for...Martha Stewart.





Stanley Kirk Burrell - please Stanley, don't hurt 'em - MC Hammer







Marion Morrison - with a name like Marion, how could you strike fear into the heart of every cowpoke in the Wild Wild West? - John Wayne. Hey Marion, the horse shit needs picking up.

Henry John Deutschendorf - Rocky Mountain Douche-endorf? - John Denver

Georgios Panayiotou - he may not just want your sex (if you're a dude), he may want a gyro with extra feta - George Michael





Carlos Ray - damn, this is a biggie. The almighty beard that has spawned numerous -isms. He might have gotten a show called "Walker, Texas Migrant Worker" - Chuck Norris.





The next time you see your favorite celebrity, be careful, he might actually be known as Howard McShitstein.

Movie Review: Valkyrie (I actually saw the movie.)

The difference between Angry Max and Brother's Keeper is that I actually see the movie before I review it. So Valkyrie. Right off the bat, it is important for the massive blog audience to know that I hate Tom Cruise. Hate, hate, hate. I also dislike him. So much that I refuse to pay for a Tom Cruise movie. I will see the movie, I just will pay for a ticket to Marley and Me and sneak into the Scientology film. (In the Valkyrie instance, I did pay for the movie because the line was long and the self-pay ticket kiosk only had Valkyrie listed for that time. I know, what a strong stand I am taking.) So, I hate Tom Cruise...BUT I liked Valkyrie (what a pain in the ass it is to write, "Valkyrie" over and over again). I went in with zero expectations and left thinking that I saw a pretty good flick. Cruise smartly surrounded himself with some great actors, Tom Wilkinson, Bill Nighy and Kenneth Branagh each did amazing work with their characters. The film allowed them to create their own characters without making us look constantly at Cruise. Cruise was acting his brains out. He was trying so hard to act up to their levels. He was alright for a guy with one eye, one hand and three fingers. (The Cruise character, Colonel Von Strufendorfer - my interpretation of his name - was hurt in an attack.) If you know your WWII history, you probably know the ending of the movie, but that doesn't dampen the suspense of the movie. You can't help but root for the secret German groups of rebels in their drive to kill Hitler. (Yeah for killing Hitler!!) So Valkyrie is not the greatest movie ever but if you want a pretty good movie with some Nazis, then this is your movie!

Movie Review: Valkyrie

I'm not gonna get lost in specifics here, but this is one awful movie. Tom Cruise wearing an eye patch. Nuff said. I am a firm believer that the characters in any historical film, where the action does not take place in the US, ought to have British accents. Tom Cruise sounding like Tom Cruise just doesn't cut it here. I give it one dead thumbs down and a stroke-affected sideways thumb.