No Aphorisms in Pleasant Grove?

The US Supreme Court ruled today that the city of Pleasant Grove, Utah, does not have to place a monument in a park listing ‘Seven Aphorisms’ by a religious group calling itself Summum, even though there’s already a stone slab in the same public park adorned with the Ten Commandments. The Supreme Court seems to be making distinctions between different kinds of crazy. Adherents of Summum, after they take their helmets off, will tell you that Moses was given both the Commandments and the Aphorisms -- or Principles, as they are more often called -- but that he didn’t like the font in which the Principles were etched and so left them on Mt. Sinai (or he was like, Yo man, I only got two arms, tell Aaron to fetch this one).

Summum is the kind of religion whose spokesperson generally has to begin everything he says with the phrase ‘We’re not weirdos’ before he goes on and explains some customs and beliefs that can only be described as appealing to weirdos. It was founded by a guy named Corky Ra. (No, really, that’s his name. He’s pictured here with a creepy graven image.)

Here are the Seven Principles that they wanted placed in the park next to the Commandments:

I. The Principle of Psychokinesis
Move stuff with your mind. In other words, right off the bat, in our first opportunity to present ourselves to the public, we are telling you that drugs play a big part in the Principles.

II. The Principle of Correspondence
Write a letter to a jailbird or get a degree online. Convicts make surprisingly good friends over long distances, and DeVry has some great rates if you want to major in Hospitality Management. Neither of these have much to do with our religion. It’s just solid advice.

III. The Principle of Vibration
There are only obscene interpretations of this Principle, and this is a family blog.

IV. The Principle of Opposition
This principle means absolutely nothing. It was either this or just have Six Principles.

V. The Principle of Rhythm
Some people have this Principle, some people don’t. We’re looking in your direction, White People.

VI. The Principle of Cause and Effect
This is a true revolution -- in Principle form. Some stuff that happens causes other stuff that happens. For example, a guy takes LSD and then founds a religion with 7 principles.

VII. The Principle of Gender
According to Summum, this is Creation copulating with itself. That might be fine if Creation were a little younger and in slightly better shape, before the ozone layer started to sag, a few ice ages ago. As it is, I wish Creation would get a room or just stop grinning like a stupid teenager all the time and acting like it was less than 4 million years old.