Movie Reviews: Blue Penis, Pothead and a Recessive Horse Gene.

There seems to be some bitching among the natives about my lack of blogging recently...or, well, ever. Although there has never been a Pterodactyl Puke business plan saying that I am the movie review guy, I really don't have any actual writing skills. So movie review guy it is. Unlike Angry Max who is able to fart out a brilliant post every three hours, I seem to need actual time to write one. The upshot is that I am a bit behind on my reviews. So you are getting blessed with a compilation movie review post! How excited are you!?!?!?

1. Taken
I realize in looking back that I mentioned Taken in a previous post but never actually reviewed it. Liam Neeson is awesome. He is my hero. The movie is the perfect guy movie. He kicks ass and doesn't bother taking names. Best action film of the year. Also, his wife just died, so go see this damn movie.

2. Watchmen
This movie is 163 minutes long. For the stupid among us that is 2 hours and 43 minutes. I mean really!!! Who the f' do you think you are you pretentious, comic book movie making pieces of crap?!?! My butt fell asleep around minute 94 and it never recovered. I was walking like Terry Fox for an hour after the movie. This movie is about super heroes who fight crime in a world where the U.S. wins Vietnam and Nixon remains president. The movie had some good points but you could have cut out an hour and you would have lost nothing. Also, there was a pretty disturbing blue penis popping up every few minutes on screen during the entire movie. That was not necessary. Only see this if you can name all the Green Lanterns in the comic books.

3. I Love You, Man
I loved Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It is one of my favorite comedies over the past few years. This movie is not that. Jason Segal and Paul Rudd are in both movies, but for some reason Jason Segal doesn't translate. Paul Rudd does a good job playing the straight man. Segal plays the same character we have seen a thousand times, the slacker, pothead who is getting along just fine. I am so sick of that character. Ya know why? Because I have to get up every morning and go to work. With all the work I do, I don't have a cool-guy hangout with drums and guitars. Well, screw pothead character, I don't want to have to watch his cool, bullshit life. I laughed a couple times. Get this movie on Netflix, maybe.

4. Duplicity
This a spy movie and I love a good spy movie. This movie focuses on the industrial espionage side of spying. Two competing companies try to steal each other's ideas. Julia Roberts and Clive Owen have great chemistry as the leads. They are fun to watch. They are a couple trying to screw the companies they spy for, while at the same time they are not sure if they can really trust each other. My problem with this movie is the problem I have with all Julia Roberts movies. Who made the decision that Julia Roberts is good looking? Cuz, she's not. In fact, I think she is ugly. She has a horse mouth and oddly pointed facial features. Every guy in the world gets that Julia Roberts is ugly. Women, on the other hand, think she is the essence of beauty. I think that women have some sort of recessive horse gene that makes it impossible to think Julia Seabiscuit is ugly. The movie makes Julia Roberts seem like this hot, sexy spy. You need to suspend disbelief for that, but once you do that, you're fine.

Advice for Hard Times

We expect that our readers represent various social and economic classes, and we have therefore endeavored to provide information and advice to all of these as befits their situation in these uncertain times. For example, if you are of the blue-blood banker set, we suggest you not rent billboard space along major thoroughfares advertising your name, likeness, and a means of contact. And don’t take your golden-bridled Arabian stallion on a quick after-dinner trot through the downtown streets among the stinking masses. In fact, don’t leave your estate even if your dwindling supply of caviar and crème fraiche compels you.

If you happen to be almost anybody else, we suggest you plunge yourself into a life of crime. All that there is will soon be for the taking, and believe us, you will need your chunk of it. Muggings are the easiest way to go, but we cannot stress enough that you employ a little bit of common sense. As a rule, tourists gazing skyward present ideal victims. So do old ladies carrying purses as well as wheelchair-bound persons, but if you happen to come upon the Holy Grail of mugging victims -- a skyward-gazing wheelchair-bound old lady carrying a purse -- you must stop to think: is this too good to be true?

Well, that’s when you should probably sharpen your focus and pay some heed to the observable facts. Is the intended victim traveling in a wheelchair with steel tread links instead of wheels? Is there an Uzi mounted on the armrest? Is there a tag on the apparatus that says ‘Manufactured by Northrop Grumman for the Homicidally Disabled?’

Make sure you ask yourself these and other relevant questions before snatching any valuables. If any are answered in the affirmative, we suggest you run like hell and not look back.

We bring this up because a New York man seems to have been a little unprepared. While allegedly trying to have away with the purse of one of these Holy Grail types, he neglected to notice that she carried a .357 magnum on her frail, gimpy person. He also failed to recognize her as the 59-year old granddaughter of notorious Harlem gang lord Ellsworth ‘Bumpy’ Johnson. Needless to say, she almost shot the live stuffing out of the man.

So check out your target's face before you pounce. Does she bear a family resemblance to Bugsy Siegel? Lucky Luciano? George Kelly? Al Capone? If you've studied up on your prohibition-era gangster faces, and she looks like she might have a murderous pedigree, you probably ought to find another purse to snatch.

Jonah Falcon - My Facebook Friend

A few months ago I befriended a man by the name of Jonah Falcon on facebook. I heard him on the Howard Stern show and found him to be honest, endearing and a good guest. He even made out with George Takei (Sulu of Star Trek fame). We have similar interests as well. We both like comic books. We both follow New York baseball, although he roots for the Yankees and I root for the Mets. We differ only slightly in that he is carrying around a 13 and 1/2 inch schlong, pictured below.





This led me to think of the other semi-celebrities or athletes I am connected to on Facebook and wanted to see if anyone else had any interesting ones (fake or real).


My other ones:

Jessica Simpson - she wants me.

A whole host of UFC fighters - Cheick Kongo, Frank Trigg, Paul Kelly, Anderson Silva, etc...

Sal Governale and Richard Christy from the Stern show - they took a break from Tradio to befriend me.

Jim Florentine - comedian.


Who are you friends with?

Circling the Wagoner

Under terms of the government’s bailout of the auto industry, General Motors and Chrysler were asked to submit their restructuring plans to administration officials for approval. Based on these plans, the Obama administration would determine if the companies are viable as ‘going concerns’ before offering additional government funds. GM’s CEO Rick Wagoner submitted his company’s plans on Friday.

The following is a transcript we obtained of a conversation between Wagoner and President Obama:

Obama: So let’s take a look at this plan.

Wagoner: I like your haircut.

Obama: The plan. I need to see the plan.

Wagoner: Here’s the plan.

Obama: Dude, this is just a napkin. And it has a piece of chicken on it.

Wagoner: I’ll need the chicken back.

Obama: Stop humping my leg.

On Komodo Island

Two Komodo dragons were strolling along the lush sugar-apple orchard just on the edge of a hill where the land crested down toward the beach. One of them spoke.

‘You know, we’re lucky, Jane,’ he mused.

‘Why is that, Tim?’ queried the other, with an air of laconic indulgence.

‘Because we live on an island called Komodo, and we happen to be Komodo Dragons. All other Komodo dragons are living in diaspora on the islands of Rinca, Flores, and Gili Motang.’

Jane, clearly exhibiting displeasure at this point, rolled her beady little lizard eyes, and said, ‘No one’s ever used the word diaspora with respect to Komodo Dragons. Not to mention the fact that we Komodo Dragons don’t have access to Wikipedia -- so technically, you’re not even supposed to know any of that. We’re just looking out for falling Indonesian fruit pickers right now, so shut the eff up.’

‘Ooh, there’s one.’

‘Let’s maul the crap out of him.’

‘Yeah.’

Book Review: Random Homeless Guy

This is a review of a new book written by the homeless guy who sells newspapers (that are normally free) while directing traffic at an intersection (that already has efficient, working traffic lights and crosswalks).

But Random Homeless Guy’s book does not concern itself exclusively with his everyday life committing newspaper fraud and stopping cars for no reason. Of course, it does offer a brief memoir of these latter days, but it can best be categorized as an acutely self-conscious piece of metafiction. The narrator repeatedly refers to himself as author and artist and to the process of writing a book, exposing the artifice of his relationship to the story, and opening broad new worlds of reality in the mind of the common reader.

For example, he refers to his literary agent, a middle-aged woman he’d like 'to [unprintable] in the [even more unprintable] with a [yet again, unprintable].' The first three pages are devoted to this highbrow rant against an increasingly irrelevant publishing industry, while the next 200 seem to be pages torn from an old paperback of Little Women. The final half of the volume is just coupon circulars stuck together with mashed potato gravy, while the binding is made of pigeon feathers and banana peals.

On the whole, the author’s first attempt is a disgusting piece of filth that is most likely responsible for your humble reviewer’s coming down with a case of avian flu. In other words, it will probably win the National Book Award.

Corruption is Bad, or Is It? Yes it is. Really? Yes

The Pope concluded his tour of Africa this week with calls to rid the continent of corruption and poverty and many other bad things. He is pictured here winning a Chrysler convertible during the half-time show. To sum up his speech in Angola (and taking some liberties with the text, in the interest of limited space and time): ‘Bad things are bad, and should be gotten rid of. Good things are good and we should probably keep them.’

Overshadowing this whole sentiment was the controversy over statements he made earlier in the week over the use of condoms to stem the spread of HIV around the continent, and ultimately lost was the lesser known controversy over corruption.

Transparency International, an anti-corruption agency, asserts that corruption is a major hindrance to development in Africa. [Their headquarters are pictured here. Admittedly, it’s hard to photograph their headquarters.] The Puke has obtained a copy of Transparency International’s Bribe Payer’s Index and other reports -- in exchange for a small payment and mostly non-sexual favors to a low-ranking employee -- and all of the reports basically say that corruption is a major problem, and it is indeed widespread and hurtful.

But Transparency International is not without its detractors. One of these is Translucency International, which offered a murky critique by saying that there is a large shape that looks like corruption, but may just be a lady taking a shower -- it’s just too hard to tell with all that steam. Also jumping into the fray was Transparency’s fiercest critic, Opacity International -- supporter of Robert Mugabe, Dick Cheney, TARP, the former Iron Curtain, the East River, and brick walls everywhere -- which argues that nothing is wrong and everything is, in fact, just fine and always has been, so why don’t you shut up?

IMob - 163 911 800

Everyone who knows me knows I have a semi-addictive personality. Maybe a little more than semi. I get hooked on things for a while, abuse them like crack and then dump them like the nerdy girl you took to prom because her Dad had an Iroc Z-28 Camaro and he let me drive it. I have also been known to do this with the same activity more than once. I was really into Texas Hold'em for like a year. I would play online, with friends, in the nude, you name it. I get into comic books every six months. I played Call of Duty 4 on the Xbox 360 for a year straight at least 4 nights a week.

I now have 2 new obsessions:

1. The iPhone. You people dont know what you are missing. The iPhone is clearly the greatest thing ever invented ever in the history of ever inventing something ever and ever. I may put a blog entry getting in more detail about the iPhone at a later date.

2. IMob for the iPhone. This is a free application that lets you take the role of a mobster trying make it in the world of, well, mobbery. Fight people, take them out, buy property, execute missions. You also need to expand your imob to include other imobbers. Please, if you have yourself an iPhone, get this little gem. My friend code is 163 911 800. Invite me and we can both smoke the crackpipe of fake mobbishness together.

PS - My one obsession that will never go away will always be my love of big beautiful breasts. On women.

Getting into the Ice Hotel Market

Many of you may have heard of Sweden's famous ICEHOTEL. Or not. Anyway, it's a hotel made entirely of ice for people who don't like to keep warm. It closes every year after March because -- well, because the damned building melts and evaporates.

Pterodactyl Puke has decided to enter this lucrative market, but we will be offering a surely superior product: an Air Hotel. Yes, a hotel made entirely of air, with a floor made entirely of dirt. But we we're not calling it AIRHOTEL like the pretentious Swedes would. We call it 'Kansas.'

Now just as we were plunging headfirst into this venture, we learned that ICEHOTEL is expanding their portfolio of rich people-swindling products to offer trips to space. So, in order to compete, we will be offering time travel back to the 1980s. We're calling it 'Sweden.'

A Cure for Peanut Allergy: Grow a Pair

A gaggle of geniuses at Duke University have figured out that the cure for life-threatening peanut allergy may be... umm... peanuts. They call their study ‘Operation: Suck It Up and Let’s See What Happens When You Eat Some Peanuts, You Little Friggers.’

They decided to start feeding children afflicted with the horrible condition a tiny bit of peanut flour each day, and they found that the kids actually grew a tolerance to the toxic nut pretty quickly. In other words, the kids stopped being little foam-at-the-mouth, call-911-now-right-now, swollen-lipped crybabies any time someone in the next ZIP code ate a Nutter Butter.

Just ask Angela Duty. She brought her son, Sam Duty, over to Durham, NC, to take part in this revolutionary study, and after a few months they found that little Duty’s lips no longer inflated like circus balloons when he ingested an evil peanut or two. And for now, they have him on non-prescription strength Reese's Pieces.

So next time some little brat brings a PB&J sandwich into school, Little Duty’s face won’t puff up in a giant mess of distended flesh (and spittle and pus, no doubt) to the point where the other little brats point fingers at him and sneer, ‘Ewww DOOOOTEE!’ as he convulses on the cafeteria floor.

Instead, they’ll beat him up because of who he is -- because he picks his nose, because of his Mormon undergarments (assuming he’s Mormon), or because it’s obvious he hasn’t got the grit and the brains to make it later in life, so they might as well beat him into the ground now to prepare him for what’s to come in adulthood -- but thankfully, not because of his allergy. Good for Little Duty.

This is not to say he won’t keel over from salmonella poisoning while stuffing his face with Little Debbie crackers at some point in the future. Yes, the Peanut Menace will get you one way or another.