A gaggle of geniuses at Duke University have figured out that the cure for life-threatening peanut allergy may be... umm... peanuts. They call their study ‘Operation: Suck It Up and Let’s See What Happens When You Eat Some Peanuts, You Little Friggers.’ They decided to start feeding children afflicted with the horrible condition a tiny bit of peanut flour each day, and they found that the kids actually grew a tolerance to the toxic nut pretty quickly. In other words, the kids stopped being little foam-at-the-mouth, call-911-now-right-now, swollen-lipped crybabies any time someone in the next ZIP code ate a Nutter Butter.
Just ask Angela Duty. She brought her son, Sam Duty, over to Durham, NC, to take part in this revolutionary study, and after a few months they found that little Duty’s lips no longer inflated like circus balloons when he ingested an evil peanut or two. And for now, they have him on non-prescription strength Reese's Pieces.
So next time some little brat brings a PB&J sandwich into school, Little Duty’s face won’t puff up in a giant mess of distended flesh (and spittle and pus, no doubt) to the point where the other little brats point fingers at him and sneer, ‘Ewww DOOOOTEE!’ as he convulses on the cafeteria floor.
Instead, they’ll beat him up because of who he is -- because he picks his nose, because of his Mormon undergarments (assuming he’s Mormon), or because it’s obvious he hasn’t got the grit and the brains to make it later in life, so they might as well beat him into the ground now to prepare him for what’s to come in adulthood -- but thankfully, not because of his allergy. Good for Little Duty.
This is not to say he won’t keel over from salmonella poisoning while stuffing his face with Little Debbie crackers at some point in the future. Yes, the Peanut Menace will get you one way or another.
16 comments:
hey man, i finally added you to my blogroll. sorry it took so long. i have brain damage.
@Julius - Hey no problem. More important than blogrolls is you keep those Creeks of Consciousness coming. They're like crack.
I can't help it - this is funny. Not funny when I saw my peanut allergic girlfriend go into anaphalactic shock, not funny to see her husband completely lose it. The way I understood allergies was that you had to be exposed to something before you could become allergic - now they figure to build tolerance to defeat the allergies. I just hope someday peanut butter can return to the school system - fuck smelly balogna!
@Venom - Your peanut allergic girlfriend has a husband?
@Venom - Anaphalactic shock: not funny. Prophylactic shock: mildly funny.
@Phuck - Venom is a girl. Makes sense now, right?
@Angry Max - Wait, Venom is a girl who's dating a girl that has a husband? That's hot.
Starting my once a day bee-venom regimen now. I don't even know if I'm allergic or not, but I think it should be done.
@Phuck - It's very hard to disagree with you.
@Shawn - Yes, I always thought I was allergic to arsenic, but apparently I haven't been ingesting enough.
I was gonna leave a humorous comment about extra-chunky peanut butter, ingesting Venom, and prophylactic shock - then I realized we conservatives have no sense of humor so I'll just hold on to the thought myself.
There are Mormon undergarments? Like Brigham Young Underoos or what?
@Bobo - Good point, but you conservatives are also not well known for keeping your thoughts to yourselves, so you might as well spill it.
@Diesel - Um, you joke, but you're not far off there.
http://www.i4m.com/think/temples/mormon-garments.htm
I think if a guy is peanut-sized prophylatic shock is not a risk.
@Prefers - I beg to differ... erm... I mean, how would I know?
@BoBo - Was that your joke?
@Phuck - nope, maybe, well - yeah. See? :)
I wonder if my sister will get over here allergies if I empty a bag of vacuum dust over here face while she sleeps.
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