Monday, May 4, 2009

Movie Review: Wolverine

technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Friday, April 24, 2009

Losing weight, Coffee Enemas need not apply

Ok folks, that is it. I weigh 240 lbs. There, I said it. At a quick glance, I don't appear very fat. I am 6'4" (and a guy). 240 isn't that bad. But it is. I weighed 170 my senior year in high school. Just FYI - this isn't me, in case you were wondering.

Why am I telling you all this? Well, I figure if I put it out there, it will force me to get in shape and lose some fatty-ness. I actually weighed 246 3 weeks ago, so I am on my way. My goal is to get to 220, a weight I haven't seen since college. Losing weight is difficult and god damned stressful. I am constantly thinking about food. Not necessarily craving a burger or pizza all the time, but more "Hey, when is my next meal and what healthy items can I ram down my cake hole". Don't get me wrong, I crave a Big D from Duchess (CT folks will know what I am talking about, all others can go here) Incidentally, 5 years ago I went on a quest to eat everything on the Duchess menu and did it in about 3 months. But that is another story.

Also, I am effing hungry 73% of the day, even right after meals. I am committing to going to the gym at least 3-4 times a week too. And I am sure most of you, exercise sucks. I need to get people to go with just to be motivated.

Just FYI - this is me, in case you were wondering.

I would love to get any suggestions you all would have. Healthy snacks, exercise routines. I will not do a bullshit diet where I rule out carbs, or drink wheat germ, or do the Zone crap, or stick coffee enemas in my turd locker, Miss Quivers. They are all bullshit. I am trying to eat better and exercise. Updates to come.

technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Monday, April 13, 2009

Ptero Thoughts (or real pirates aren't like Johnny Depp!)

1) Pirates! Really...pirates! What the hell is going on with this world? Not only is the financial world collapsing back to the 1800's (that is your Angry Max economy fix for the day), we now can't sail around Africa without Somali pirates attacking us. I've been to Disney World recently and I'm telling you that pirates are fun, scallywags. Johnny Depp wouldn't threaten the Skipper from Gilligan's Island in a million years. And these new pirates have machine guns and I haven't seen a parrot yet. I think we need to return to traditional, pirate family values. I want sword fights, eye patches and funny accents. In exchange the U.S. will provide them with some booty. (Paging Kim Kardashian...)

2)Obama bowed to a Saudi King?!?! Let's get one thing perfectly clear: Obama bowed. Watch the video. He either bowed or he had some sort of mini-stroke just before he shook the king's hand. Robert Gibbs, White House Spokesman says that the President was just reaching to shake the king's hand. That is complete bull. I have no problem with Obama making a mistake and screwing up the bowing protocol. My problem is that the White House screwed up the first rule of screw ups. When you blow it, admit your mistake and move on. The story is still kicking because Gibbs didn't just say whoops, we messed up!

3)Where is Angry Max? Yes, it is 10 days since Angry Max posted. So, why isn't he posting anymore? Well, I have a few theories. Theory #1: I murdered Angry Max last week. I was jealous of his ability to crank out new posts everyday, so I made him eat McDonald's every meal until he was so bloated his insides burst out in a multi-colored display of guts and Mcnuggets. Theory #2: Angry Max is serving a stretch at the local medium security penitentiary. His past of transvestite hooking finally caught up with him. It isn't easy selling your body in this economy. Sometime the false eyelashes just aren't long enough. Theory #3: He is pissed off that the stock market is climbing again. To know Angry Max is to know an enormous pessimist. He is so into the economy crumbling, he is devastated when the market ticks upward. He is currently in a cave with his Karl Marx daily reader collection waiting for Socialism's next big chance. Theory #4: Angry Max is just a dick.

4)Mel Gibson is getting divorced. I am a catholic. I am a pretty good one, but if what I read is correct, I am nowhere near as good a Catholic as Mel Gibson. He is a new and improved, extra-strength Catholic. Last time I checked, divorce is a BIG catholic no-no. I am not sure that a couple of Jesus movies is gonna get Mel out of this one. The word 'hypocrite' comes to mind for some reason.

5) Phil Spector is guilty of murder. I really don't know who Phil Spector is. I think that I should know who he is, but I don't. Something to do with music, right? Well, he looks like a pure nut. That's enough for me. Fry him.

6) Did I mention that Angry Max is a dick?
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Friday, April 3, 2009

On the Master Cleanse

We here at Pterodactyl Puke would like to reverse an inexcusable trend in the ever-shifting attitudes of humanity with respect to what is generally called ‘body image’ in the popular lexicon. If you understand this trend and vehemently disagree with it, and are indeed disgusted to the point of nausea, then please stand up and take a bow at your computer screen. We salute you, Discerning Reader and Right-Minded Citizen. Now stop bowing at computer screens like an idiot.

Of course, you understand that people should NOT be discouraged from undertaking starvation diets and that the body proportions of Barbie Dolls are indeed what all good-hearted young girls should aspire toward. Oprah, Dr Phil, and the self-help Nazis really ought to stop telling them otherwise. Women should labor tirelessly in service of their good looks and should not waver or rest in this pursuit until they see a sparkling image of Kate Moss in their full-length mirrors. (Well, something a smidge taller than Kate, with bigger breasts, but no heavier.)

So, many of you may have heard about the fabulous new cure to obesity and pimple-osity known as the Master Cleanse. Consisting of a quart of freshly squeezed lemon juice, a teaspoon or so of maple syrup, and a dash of cayenne pepper -- ingested exclusively for up to 45 days -- it provides fatties with far too much nourishment in our opinion, but it is the best we can find on the Internet right now. All school cafeterias should serve this delectable drink and nothing else (unless the boys get hungry).

If you have any doubts about the wisdom of such a regimen, be assured in the knowledge that celebrities use it. Celebrities. And it works well for them. After all, their lives are perfect, and if we don’t teach people to imitate perfection, we might as well start worshiping rocks and throwing feces at one another.

And ladies, before you protest, know that we are not suggesting only women follow this diet. Any man who is sitting next to me on an airplane should be force-fed the stuff for 7 months beforehand, in addition to running an average of three marathons a week during that same period. He should then undergo an aggressive liposuction procedure before having his lower limbs amputated and his mouth sealed shut by steel wires fused to his teeth, all before being placed in a cryogenic stasis and wheeled to his seat. He should also bring a battery-powered book light with him –- the standard cabin lights are a little dim for my taste, and I like to give Sky Mall the proper attention.
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Movie Reviews: Blue Penis, Pothead and a Recessive Horse Gene.

There seems to be some bitching among the natives about my lack of blogging recently...or, well, ever. Although there has never been a Pterodactyl Puke business plan saying that I am the movie review guy, I really don't have any actual writing skills. So movie review guy it is. Unlike Angry Max who is able to fart out a brilliant post every three hours, I seem to need actual time to write one. The upshot is that I am a bit behind on my reviews. So you are getting blessed with a compilation movie review post! How excited are you!?!?!?

1. Taken
I realize in looking back that I mentioned Taken in a previous post but never actually reviewed it. Liam Neeson is awesome. He is my hero. The movie is the perfect guy movie. He kicks ass and doesn't bother taking names. Best action film of the year. Also, his wife just died, so go see this damn movie.

2. Watchmen
This movie is 163 minutes long. For the stupid among us that is 2 hours and 43 minutes. I mean really!!! Who the f' do you think you are you pretentious, comic book movie making pieces of crap?!?! My butt fell asleep around minute 94 and it never recovered. I was walking like Terry Fox for an hour after the movie. This movie is about super heroes who fight crime in a world where the U.S. wins Vietnam and Nixon remains president. The movie had some good points but you could have cut out an hour and you would have lost nothing. Also, there was a pretty disturbing blue penis popping up every few minutes on screen during the entire movie. That was not necessary. Only see this if you can name all the Green Lanterns in the comic books.

3. I Love You, Man
I loved Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It is one of my favorite comedies over the past few years. This movie is not that. Jason Segal and Paul Rudd are in both movies, but for some reason Jason Segal doesn't translate. Paul Rudd does a good job playing the straight man. Segal plays the same character we have seen a thousand times, the slacker, pothead who is getting along just fine. I am so sick of that character. Ya know why? Because I have to get up every morning and go to work. With all the work I do, I don't have a cool-guy hangout with drums and guitars. Well, screw pothead character, I don't want to have to watch his cool, bullshit life. I laughed a couple times. Get this movie on Netflix, maybe.

4. Duplicity
This a spy movie and I love a good spy movie. This movie focuses on the industrial espionage side of spying. Two competing companies try to steal each other's ideas. Julia Roberts and Clive Owen have great chemistry as the leads. They are fun to watch. They are a couple trying to screw the companies they spy for, while at the same time they are not sure if they can really trust each other. My problem with this movie is the problem I have with all Julia Roberts movies. Who made the decision that Julia Roberts is good looking? Cuz, she's not. In fact, I think she is ugly. She has a horse mouth and oddly pointed facial features. Every guy in the world gets that Julia Roberts is ugly. Women, on the other hand, think she is the essence of beauty. I think that women have some sort of recessive horse gene that makes it impossible to think Julia Seabiscuit is ugly. The movie makes Julia Roberts seem like this hot, sexy spy. You need to suspend disbelief for that, but once you do that, you're fine.
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Advice for Hard Times

We expect that our readers represent various social and economic classes, and we have therefore endeavored to provide information and advice to all of these as befits their situation in these uncertain times. For example, if you are of the blue-blood banker set, we suggest you not rent billboard space along major thoroughfares advertising your name, likeness, and a means of contact. And don’t take your golden-bridled Arabian stallion on a quick after-dinner trot through the downtown streets among the stinking masses. In fact, don’t leave your estate even if your dwindling supply of caviar and crème fraiche compels you.

If you happen to be almost anybody else, we suggest you plunge yourself into a life of crime. All that there is will soon be for the taking, and believe us, you will need your chunk of it. Muggings are the easiest way to go, but we cannot stress enough that you employ a little bit of common sense. As a rule, tourists gazing skyward present ideal victims. So do old ladies carrying purses as well as wheelchair-bound persons, but if you happen to come upon the Holy Grail of mugging victims -- a skyward-gazing wheelchair-bound old lady carrying a purse -- you must stop to think: is this too good to be true?

Well, that’s when you should probably sharpen your focus and pay some heed to the observable facts. Is the intended victim traveling in a wheelchair with steel tread links instead of wheels? Is there an Uzi mounted on the armrest? Is there a tag on the apparatus that says ‘Manufactured by Northrop Grumman for the Homicidally Disabled?’

Make sure you ask yourself these and other relevant questions before snatching any valuables. If any are answered in the affirmative, we suggest you run like hell and not look back.

We bring this up because a New York man seems to have been a little unprepared. While allegedly trying to have away with the purse of one of these Holy Grail types, he neglected to notice that she carried a .357 magnum on her frail, gimpy person. He also failed to recognize her as the 59-year old granddaughter of notorious Harlem gang lord Ellsworth ‘Bumpy’ Johnson. Needless to say, she almost shot the live stuffing out of the man.

So check out your target's face before you pounce. Does she bear a family resemblance to Bugsy Siegel? Lucky Luciano? George Kelly? Al Capone? If you've studied up on your prohibition-era gangster faces, and she looks like she might have a murderous pedigree, you probably ought to find another purse to snatch.
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Jonah Falcon - My Facebook Friend

A few months ago I befriended a man by the name of Jonah Falcon on facebook. I heard him on the Howard Stern show and found him to be honest, endearing and a good guest. He even made out with George Takei (Sulu of Star Trek fame). We have similar interests as well. We both like comic books. We both follow New York baseball, although he roots for the Yankees and I root for the Mets. We differ only slightly in that he is carrying around a 13 and 1/2 inch schlong, pictured below.

This led me to think of the other semi-celebrities or athletes I am connected to on Facebook and wanted to see if anyone else had any interesting ones (fake or real).

My other ones:

Jessica Simpson - she wants me.

A whole host of UFC fighters - Cheick Kongo, Frank Trigg, Paul Kelly, Anderson Silva, etc...

Sal Governale and Richard Christy from the Stern show - they took a break from Tradio to befriend me.

Jim Florentine - comedian.

Who are you friends with?
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Monday, March 30, 2009

Circling the Wagoner

Under terms of the government’s bailout of the auto industry, General Motors and Chrysler were asked to submit their restructuring plans to administration officials for approval. Based on these plans, the Obama administration would determine if the companies are viable as ‘going concerns’ before offering additional government funds. GM’s CEO Rick Wagoner submitted his company’s plans on Friday.

The following is a transcript we obtained of a conversation between Wagoner and President Obama:

Obama: So let’s take a look at this plan.

Wagoner: I like your haircut.

Obama: The plan. I need to see the plan.

Wagoner: Here’s the plan.

Obama: Dude, this is just a napkin. And it has a piece of chicken on it.

Wagoner: I’ll need the chicken back.

Obama: Stop humping my leg.
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Thursday, March 26, 2009

On Komodo Island

Two Komodo dragons were strolling along the lush sugar-apple orchard just on the edge of a hill where the land crested down toward the beach. One of them spoke.

‘You know, we’re lucky, Jane,’ he mused.

‘Why is that, Tim?’ queried the other, with an air of laconic indulgence.

‘Because we live on an island called Komodo, and we happen to be Komodo Dragons. All other Komodo dragons are living in diaspora on the islands of Rinca, Flores, and Gili Motang.’

Jane, clearly exhibiting displeasure at this point, rolled her beady little lizard eyes, and said, ‘No one’s ever used the word diaspora with respect to Komodo Dragons. Not to mention the fact that we Komodo Dragons don’t have access to Wikipedia -- so technically, you’re not even supposed to know any of that. We’re just looking out for falling Indonesian fruit pickers right now, so shut the eff up.’

‘Ooh, there’s one.’

‘Let’s maul the crap out of him.’

technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Book Review: Random Homeless Guy

This is a review of a new book written by the homeless guy who sells newspapers (that are normally free) while directing traffic at an intersection (that already has efficient, working traffic lights and crosswalks).

But Random Homeless Guy’s book does not concern itself exclusively with his everyday life committing newspaper fraud and stopping cars for no reason. Of course, it does offer a brief memoir of these latter days, but it can best be categorized as an acutely self-conscious piece of metafiction. The narrator repeatedly refers to himself as author and artist and to the process of writing a book, exposing the artifice of his relationship to the story, and opening broad new worlds of reality in the mind of the common reader.

For example, he refers to his literary agent, a middle-aged woman he’d like 'to [unprintable] in the [even more unprintable] with a [yet again, unprintable].' The first three pages are devoted to this highbrow rant against an increasingly irrelevant publishing industry, while the next 200 seem to be pages torn from an old paperback of Little Women. The final half of the volume is just coupon circulars stuck together with mashed potato gravy, while the binding is made of pigeon feathers and banana peals.

On the whole, the author’s first attempt is a disgusting piece of filth that is most likely responsible for your humble reviewer’s coming down with a case of avian flu. In other words, it will probably win the National Book Award.
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Corruption is Bad, or Is It? Yes it is. Really? Yes

The Pope concluded his tour of Africa this week with calls to rid the continent of corruption and poverty and many other bad things. He is pictured here winning a Chrysler convertible during the half-time show. To sum up his speech in Angola (and taking some liberties with the text, in the interest of limited space and time): ‘Bad things are bad, and should be gotten rid of. Good things are good and we should probably keep them.’

Overshadowing this whole sentiment was the controversy over statements he made earlier in the week over the use of condoms to stem the spread of HIV around the continent, and ultimately lost was the lesser known controversy over corruption.

Transparency International, an anti-corruption agency, asserts that corruption is a major hindrance to development in Africa. [Their headquarters are pictured here. Admittedly, it’s hard to photograph their headquarters.] The Puke has obtained a copy of Transparency International’s Bribe Payer’s Index and other reports -- in exchange for a small payment and mostly non-sexual favors to a low-ranking employee -- and all of the reports basically say that corruption is a major problem, and it is indeed widespread and hurtful.

But Transparency International is not without its detractors. One of these is Translucency International, which offered a murky critique by saying that there is a large shape that looks like corruption, but may just be a lady taking a shower -- it’s just too hard to tell with all that steam. Also jumping into the fray was Transparency’s fiercest critic, Opacity International -- supporter of Robert Mugabe, Dick Cheney, TARP, the former Iron Curtain, the East River, and brick walls everywhere -- which argues that nothing is wrong and everything is, in fact, just fine and always has been, so why don’t you shut up?
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Thursday, March 19, 2009

IMob - 163 911 800

Everyone who knows me knows I have a semi-addictive personality. Maybe a little more than semi. I get hooked on things for a while, abuse them like crack and then dump them like the nerdy girl you took to prom because her Dad had an Iroc Z-28 Camaro and he let me drive it. I have also been known to do this with the same activity more than once. I was really into Texas Hold'em for like a year. I would play online, with friends, in the nude, you name it. I get into comic books every six months. I played Call of Duty 4 on the Xbox 360 for a year straight at least 4 nights a week.

I now have 2 new obsessions:

1. The iPhone. You people dont know what you are missing. The iPhone is clearly the greatest thing ever invented ever in the history of ever inventing something ever and ever. I may put a blog entry getting in more detail about the iPhone at a later date.

2. IMob for the iPhone. This is a free application that lets you take the role of a mobster trying make it in the world of, well, mobbery. Fight people, take them out, buy property, execute missions. You also need to expand your imob to include other imobbers. Please, if you have yourself an iPhone, get this little gem. My friend code is 163 911 800. Invite me and we can both smoke the crackpipe of fake mobbishness together.

PS - My one obsession that will never go away will always be my love of big beautiful breasts. On women.
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Getting into the Ice Hotel Market

Many of you may have heard of Sweden's famous ICEHOTEL. Or not. Anyway, it's a hotel made entirely of ice for people who don't like to keep warm. It closes every year after March because -- well, because the damned building melts and evaporates.

Pterodactyl Puke has decided to enter this lucrative market, but we will be offering a surely superior product: an Air Hotel. Yes, a hotel made entirely of air, with a floor made entirely of dirt. But we we're not calling it AIRHOTEL like the pretentious Swedes would. We call it 'Kansas.'

Now just as we were plunging headfirst into this venture, we learned that ICEHOTEL is expanding their portfolio of rich people-swindling products to offer trips to space. So, in order to compete, we will be offering time travel back to the 1980s. We're calling it 'Sweden.'
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A Cure for Peanut Allergy: Grow a Pair

A gaggle of geniuses at Duke University have figured out that the cure for life-threatening peanut allergy may be... umm... peanuts. They call their study ‘Operation: Suck It Up and Let’s See What Happens When You Eat Some Peanuts, You Little Friggers.’

They decided to start feeding children afflicted with the horrible condition a tiny bit of peanut flour each day, and they found that the kids actually grew a tolerance to the toxic nut pretty quickly. In other words, the kids stopped being little foam-at-the-mouth, call-911-now-right-now, swollen-lipped crybabies any time someone in the next ZIP code ate a Nutter Butter.

Just ask Angela Duty. She brought her son, Sam Duty, over to Durham, NC, to take part in this revolutionary study, and after a few months they found that little Duty’s lips no longer inflated like circus balloons when he ingested an evil peanut or two. And for now, they have him on non-prescription strength Reese's Pieces.

So next time some little brat brings a PB&J sandwich into school, Little Duty’s face won’t puff up in a giant mess of distended flesh (and spittle and pus, no doubt) to the point where the other little brats point fingers at him and sneer, ‘Ewww DOOOOTEE!’ as he convulses on the cafeteria floor.

Instead, they’ll beat him up because of who he is -- because he picks his nose, because of his Mormon undergarments (assuming he’s Mormon), or because it’s obvious he hasn’t got the grit and the brains to make it later in life, so they might as well beat him into the ground now to prepare him for what’s to come in adulthood -- but thankfully, not because of his allergy. Good for Little Duty.

This is not to say he won’t keel over from salmonella poisoning while stuffing his face with Little Debbie crackers at some point in the future. Yes, the Peanut Menace will get you one way or another.
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Quests for Truth and Blood

We are getting bored of reporting on the impending economic disaster and the imminent disintegration of the society of Man.

But the issue still remains, and so for a moment, we’ll concern ourselves with explaining the real reasons behind the massive economic meltdown that will doom you and your children and your children’s children to poverty, a broken-down society, and perhaps mild cannibalism.

[If you don’t have a head for detail, skip down a few paragraphs to The Quest for Blood.]

The Quest for Truth

So who is to blame? You’ve heard a lot about people buying houses that they couldn’t afford and predatory mortgage lenders who offered loan terms that were impossible to meet. But that’s not the cause of the problem. There will always be bad loans and people who can’t pay their bills, but they should never lead to the ruin of our economy and create the apocalyptic conditions for cannibalism down the road.

Rewind back to the days of the Great Depression. In 1933, Congress passed the Glass-Steagall Act, which regulated the way banks did business -- essentially separating investment banks (which took great risks with their capital for higher rates of return) and regular deposit banking. This was to ensure that banks did not use the money in regular people’s bank accounts for crazy speculation in, say, the derivatives markets or in the stock market or in high-yield securitized loan portfolios -- all of which could lead to the demise of our species. We hate to bore you with the details, but essentially, the law was designed to prevent the creation of a Citigroup or an AIG, and for 66 years, it prevented the creation of a giant market of the very same toxic assets that will perhaps be damning us all to living underground and, out of necessity, acquiring a taste for human flesh. In other words, this was a good law.

But in 1999, the Glass-Steagall Act was repealed by a bill called the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act -- named after the three assholes who introduced it: Sen. Phil Gramm (R-Texas), Rep. Jim Leach (R-Iowa), and Rep. Thomas Bliley (R-Virginia) – and it was passed so overwhelmingly by both houses of Congress that it did not even need the signature of then-president Bill Clinton (D-Penisville), though it received that too. This allowed Traveler’s Group -- an insurance company -- to merge with Citicorp -- a bank -- in order to create what they called a ‘financial supermarket.’ We can only assume all the legislators were entertained by hookers and fed mountains of cocaine while they were assured this bill would not lead to cannibalism and the demise of the human race.

Also, around the same time in the late 1990s, credit default swaps came into being. They were conceived as a way to insure lenders, especially banks, against loan losses. In 2000, Congress passed the Commodity Futures Modernization Act, which exempted credit default swaps from regulation. The act was introduced by Sen. Phil “Anybody see a pattern here?” Gramm (R-Texas), and cheerled by Alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal Reserve, who argued that the market would regulate itself because he read as much in the writings of Ayn Rand.

What followed can only be described as a financial orgy as banks took more risks in financial markets, falsely comforted by the fact that they could also buy credit default swaps as insurance. AIG was making large profits by selling credit default swaps well beyond their ability to insure the loans that they covered. Between the years 1999 and 2007 sub-prime loans increased from 5% of all new mortgages to 48%. Holy effing crap! There were a whole lot of other reasons for this, but the main reason is that financial institutions started borrowing more and more money to buy these things, until some of them were borrowing $32 (or more) for every $1 they actually had –- just so they could buy these ridiculous loans. Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers were two of these. And all the major banks were borrowing at least 25 to 1 to finance the same crap – with the money that regular, hardworking people keep in the bank or in their 401(k)s.

There was another regulation passed during the Great Depression called The Uptick Rule. This was a rule instituted by the SEC to prevent market players from manipulating the value of stocks while selling those same stocks short. It led to the destruction of capital at banks and other financial institutions in 1937, and so the SEC decided to put an end to it. Then, in 2007, the SEC decided capital destruction was cool again, and eliminated the rule. Market manipulators have been destroying bank stocks ever since and bringing the financial system to its knees.

Then came the collapse of Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, and the black hole we call AIG. Wachovia and Washington Mutual then contributed with the two biggest bank failures in American history. (Technically, Wachovia didn’t fail because it was bought by Wells Fargo, but the point remains.)

The Quest for Blood

If you’ve read the above paragraphs, congratulations. You are one bored human being.

If you haven’t, let us recap a bit:
It seems that the government had decided sometime in the last 10 years or so that it wanted to bring on another Great Depression, and so repealed every law that had been instituted to prevent exactly that. We admit that 60 or 70 years is a long time and that people forget what exactly the purpose of such laws may have been. So could we suggest maybe a Post-It note be placed on these laws from now on, so that maybe the people in the future will know that they’re really, really important? Or maybe we can put a stamp on certain laws that says, ‘THIS LAW WAS PUT IN PLACE TO PREVENT THE DEMISE OF OUR SPECIES OR POSSIBLE CANNIBALISM. DON’T EFFING REPEAL IT.’

So let us list the people responsible: Senator Phil Gramm (R-Texas), Alan Greenspan, and just about every top executive at AIG, Citigroup, Wachovia, Washington Mutual, Bear Stearns, and Lehman Brothers, every Treasury Secretary from Robert Rubin to Henry Paulson, SEC chairman Christopher Cox, and throw in current Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, too, who insisted in 2007 and 2008 that the sub-prime crisis would not present much of a problem for the economy.

These people should all be disemboweled and hung by their necks in the middle of every city square in the United States. Their innards should be exposed to the disastrous rays of the sun until they’re baked and cured beyond any semblance of human form and flesh.

You might think that seems a bit harsh. Certainly, they broke no laws. And after all, Alan Greenspan already looks like a rotting corpse, and if the ancient, foul, beaten Earth could walk and talk, it would look and sound like Phil Gramm.

But it is not exaggerating to say that millions of lives have been destroyed -- millions of people have lost their jobs, and millions more have lost their savings in the stock market as a result of what these people have done. That is not even to mention the effect this crisis will have in poor countries, where political instability and famine are sure to be the near-term results. And we cannot yet say that the worst is over. This boulder has been rolling down from the very heights of the highest mountain, and we have no idea where the bottom is, or if the economy and our society can even survive the destruction on the way down. There is no crazed murderer or serial killer languishing in any prison in this country, nor any terrorist hiding in the hills of Afghanistan, who has done damage that even compares to what these people have done.

So we need to pass new laws -– laws that designate these people as Enemies whose existence presents a systemic risk to our economy, to our civilization, and to the human species as a whole. Then, when cannibalism becomes the order of the day, we will be able to look back and at least know that someone was held responsible for our misery.
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A Message from Corporate

It has been brought to our attention that our reporting on monkey matters seems a bit biased in the favor of, well, the monkeys. In response to this criticism, we would like to assure our readers that we are indeed loyal to our own species. In the future, we will try to balance both the monkey view and the crazed, fascist anti-monkey view of all news events with equal weight and thoughtful consideration from now on. For those of you who have emailed us about our supposed traitorous bias, we apologize for the big 'GO EFF YOURSELF!' email you may have received in reply. We consider this matter closed.

There is also the matter of non-monkey-related posts offending people. We apologize for these with the utmost sincerity. 'Learning differences' are not matters for ridicule, nor is any other issue involving people who cannot intelligently speak for themselves. It is our mission to defend the weak and the downtrodden whenever any of our evil corporate sponsors are not the ones doing the trodding down.

Last, to our investors, we would like to reassure them that our financial situation is quite strong. Assuming the housing market is doing well, we should be in great shape. And if slavery is legalized in Western Europe in the near future, then some of our investments in that market should really take off as well. Also, our CFO has just received a series of emails from Nigeria promising lots of free money if we would only open a Swiss bank account with what little capital we still carry. It cannot possibly go wrong.
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Don't Hug Him to Death

A Texas school for the mentally challenged has come under intense scrutiny this week by local law enforcement. It appears that for the past year, a group of employees has been setting up a version of Fight Club among the school's inhabitants. You just can't make this stuff up.
We, at Pterodactyl Puke, wanted to get to the bottom of this wacky story, so we sent our own Angry Max on a junket to Texas to speak to the students of the school. Angry Max was able to send the tape of his discussion.
One particular student was very open and took time out of his busy schedule (which included nap and pudding hour) to speak to Angry Max. The following is a direct interpretation of what most likely would have been said:
Angry Max: Jimmy, (name changed to protect the innocent minded) thanks for being able to speak with Ptero today. Wow, that is a pungent odor coming from where you are sitting, what is that?
Jimmy: I don't smell anything at all attributed to a lack of wiping after doin #2.
Angry Max: Ok. Now in relation to the fighting that has been going on for the past year..
Jimmy: You mean gym?
Angry Max: Yes, gym. Can you tell us about your experiences that you and your friends have gone through in "gym"?
Jimmy: Well, we all seem to be stronger than the average human. I don't know what you would call that but we have some form of extra power, completely unlabeled by middle America. A certain type of strength.
Angry Max: um......
Jimmy: I would say most of us have grown accustomed to hugging as a move.
Angry Max: Hugging? That doesnt sound so bad.
Jimmy: Would you like to me to show you how we do it?
Angry Max: Ummm, sure, go ahead. How bad could a simple hugging be?
Jimmy: Ok, here we go.
Angry Max: My, that is a strong grip. You can let go now. No seriously, let go. I can't breathe. *Gasp*, I am blacking out......
We haven't heard from Max for a few days. He missed his flight yesterday. Calls to the school have gone unanswered. I am sure he is fine.
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Monday, March 9, 2009

Are Chimpanzees Evolving Beyond Us?

It has been no secret that humanity is slipping from atop the evolutionary totem pole. If you watch the ever-plummeting stock market or if you’ve sat through a miserable few minutes of Dancing with the Stars, you’ll know that we as a species are no longer all that impressive. It’s nothing to be ashamed of –- we’ve had a good run of it -– but the whole thing just isn’t working out anymore. The only question, really, is which species will be taking our place to become the new lords of the Earth. We here at the Puke still firmly believe that a race of jaded, semi-reptilian aliens has been staking out our little planet for a suitable vacation home, but in the last few weeks a new candidate has emerged to fill the power vacuum. And that candidate is, of course, our own close cousin the Chimpanzee.

We’ve all heard about Travis the Chimp, who, just after bellowing the cry of bloody revolution on behalf of Monkeykind, was coldly shot down by a human police officer. But what most don’t realize is that Travis, though expert in the art of violence, was merely a member of the B-team and not in the vanguard of the coming Chimpish Intifada.

Familiarize yourselves with Santino, a macho alpha male who lords over a harem of six female chimps, all of them imprisoned in a Swedish zoo since birth. Santino prefers love poetry to idle gossip, Cuban cigars (if properly rolled) to ripe bananas, and a white hat to a dark tan, but he also prefers armed struggle to being gawked at by a bunch of slobbering Swedes. Santino begins his day by gathering rocks and planning attacks against human visitors to the zoo, finally unloading his stockpile on any Swede he deems an enemy. The victim’s only crime may be walking too close to Santino’s troop of concubines, or just simply possessing a stupid smile that rubs Santino the wrong way. (Incidentally, Santino was cruelly castrated for this behavior, and has become yet another martyr for the Monkey Cause.) But the point is that Santino knew there would be trouble, and he prepared for it.

Experts say this kind of behavior is evidence of planning among the lower primates, and that chimps in the wild have been known not only to stockpile ammunition and fashion weapons from stones, but also to fortify positions and plan sophisticated group attacks.

What the experts don’t talk about is how far along these simians are in their plans, and what sort of infrastructure they’ve built up. Do they bail out banks when necessary, or do they let the free market solve its own problems? Are they Keynesians or Supply-siders? Do they have a health care plan? Dammit, you stupid experts and so-called journalists, we have to know these things. Well, we did have to know these things when we still had a civilization that was still worth the cheap plastic it’s made of. So, carry on stockpiling ammunition and fortifying your homes, but do it quickly –- the Chimpanistas are coming to foreclose on our dominion.
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Friday, March 6, 2009

FaceBook's Popularity/Sympathy Contest

Jenny is considering going to the gym.

Jenny is tired and can't wait for the weekend.

Jenny thinks that milk was a bad idea.

Jenny hasn't taken a good dump since the surgery.

What exactly are people hoping to accomplish by telling us about every little thing when they update their status? I believe a portion of it comes from seeking sympathy and attention. Another portion is to see how popular you really are by measuring the number and quality of responses. On another level, people may believe that everyone is very interested in what they are doing every 10 minutes. Then you have the gossip types who can't wait to lay everything on you. "Did you see that Jenny can't produce a solid log? I can't wait to get more info to tell all the yentas that I know." And finally, the smallest portion are people jest effing around (I am in this grouping).

How many status changes have you seen that have alluded to some potential horrific or sad event without telling you the whole story? Are people that desperate to find out if their friends truly care about their own personal crap?

Stewie just got back from the hospital. Oh my God, what happend to Stewie? In essence, Stewie is hoping for a cadre of people to demand to know just what the heck happened to Stewie and if he's doing ok.

Did he get the Fusilli Jerry dislodged from his nethers?

Take your statuses a little more seriously people. Stop telling me that you are hanging out with your kids. We don't care when you get to work or when you are leaving. If you have news, spill it, don't make me have to ask you what happened, because I won't.

Make me laugh or put something interesting up there, just dont tell me about the consistency of your cat's latest puke, b/c I don't give a shit.
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Million Dollar Baby

If you’ve ever played Backgammon with a 4-year-old, you’ll know that it can make you feel pretty good about yourself and maybe make you feel smarter than you really are. There's something about dominating a lesser opponent that elicits a mindset of tranquility and contentedness in a man like nothing else can. Also, kids say stupid things often enough that you can use it for a steady source of comedic material.

But if you play long enough, the youngster’s game starts to evolve before your eyes as he develops new understanding. He soon reveals himself to be some kind of prodigy, Backgammon’s Chosen One, as foretold by the prophets, placed on Earth to rethink and revolutionize the strategies of the game, and to broaden its appeal, bringing it out of the nursing homes and to the masses, making it popular among people under the age of a hundred. This could be what he was meant for, and you’ve discovered it for him –- at such a young age! He will soon outgrow you in backgammon acuity, and you’ll present no challenge for him at all. He'll need new and better competition and a master of the game to hone his skill and slake his unslakable thirst for Backgammon wisdom. Fame, glory, and wealth are right around the corner. It’s profoundly satisfying to have discovered such a great talent! You can’t help but feel proud, and you realize you have to act on this immediately, so you say something like: ‘Let’s play basketball now. And this time, I’m not gonna take it easy on you. Also, afterward, I'm selling you into slavery, you little punk.'
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Hog Duty in Iowa

Generally speaking, ideal conditions of living must be achieved as a function of both time and place. For example, you may be extremely fortunate to have been born in Beverly Hills, CA, but maybe not if you were born there in 1769 as the bastard son of a Franciscan monk. That would be an example of being lucky in place but not in time. Alternatively, you could have been born during the Florentine Renaissance –- but in an Ottoman slave camp. Time: yay. Place: boo.

There are, of course, varying degrees of luck with respect to both variables. If pig odor is a problem where you live, then it’s pretty fair to say it doesn’t matter what the time is. The Age of Reason or 4 PM last Sunday would both smell like shit. Read Candide all you like, and you’ll still have trouble being optimistic. In fact, spoil your senses watching TV, smoking crack, and eating chocolate cake while dancing to Hannah Montana songs, and still, the swirling stench of pig poop will be ruling your life like an abusive foster parent.

So, in order to help out some people who’ve been screwed by the Fates of Place but not so much of Time, it makes perfect sense that the budget bill passed by Congress last week sets aside $1.8 million for ‘swine odor and manure management.’ Sure, make fun of Congress all you want for writing poop into law, but if you lived in olfactory hell, downwind from a pack of squealing shit machines, you’d almost certainly find no humor in any of this -- and neither do we.

Jay Harmon, Professor of Agriculture at Iowa State University (with a Ph.D. in some kind of shit), is a man who takes his duty very seriously. He has perfected the methods of ‘management’ in the Poo Sciences and really thinks the whole problem can be flushed down the toilet if we throw the right crap at it. He suggests things like not living near a pig farm (which we’ve already discussed), planting shrubs, installing ventilators, something called ‘broadcasting manure’ (which I’m pretty sure Cable News has already taken care of), building walls, chimneys, storage covers, etc, etc, etc... Well, we don’t have to get into all that poop jargon to know that this guy knows what time it is when it comes to chocolate hog patties, and we can feel safe that our tax dollars are well spent.

So put down Candide and the crack pipe, and for god's sake stop bouncing to that teeny bopper crap -- your Luck of Place is about to get better. But seriously, only a little bit. You still live in Iowa, near a pig farm.
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

No Aphorisms in Pleasant Grove?

The US Supreme Court ruled today that the city of Pleasant Grove, Utah, does not have to place a monument in a park listing ‘Seven Aphorisms’ by a religious group calling itself Summum, even though there’s already a stone slab in the same public park adorned with the Ten Commandments. The Supreme Court seems to be making distinctions between different kinds of crazy. Adherents of Summum, after they take their helmets off, will tell you that Moses was given both the Commandments and the Aphorisms -- or Principles, as they are more often called -- but that he didn’t like the font in which the Principles were etched and so left them on Mt. Sinai (or he was like, Yo man, I only got two arms, tell Aaron to fetch this one).

Summum is the kind of religion whose spokesperson generally has to begin everything he says with the phrase ‘We’re not weirdos’ before he goes on and explains some customs and beliefs that can only be described as appealing to weirdos. It was founded by a guy named Corky Ra. (No, really, that’s his name. He’s pictured here with a creepy graven image.)

Here are the Seven Principles that they wanted placed in the park next to the Commandments:

I. The Principle of Psychokinesis
Move stuff with your mind. In other words, right off the bat, in our first opportunity to present ourselves to the public, we are telling you that drugs play a big part in the Principles.

II. The Principle of Correspondence
Write a letter to a jailbird or get a degree online. Convicts make surprisingly good friends over long distances, and DeVry has some great rates if you want to major in Hospitality Management. Neither of these have much to do with our religion. It’s just solid advice.

III. The Principle of Vibration
There are only obscene interpretations of this Principle, and this is a family blog.

IV. The Principle of Opposition
This principle means absolutely nothing. It was either this or just have Six Principles.

V. The Principle of Rhythm
Some people have this Principle, some people don’t. We’re looking in your direction, White People.

VI. The Principle of Cause and Effect
This is a true revolution -- in Principle form. Some stuff that happens causes other stuff that happens. For example, a guy takes LSD and then founds a religion with 7 principles.

VII. The Principle of Gender
According to Summum, this is Creation copulating with itself. That might be fine if Creation were a little younger and in slightly better shape, before the ozone layer started to sag, a few ice ages ago. As it is, I wish Creation would get a room or just stop grinning like a stupid teenager all the time and acting like it was less than 4 million years old.
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Oscar Recap...

Can you say Five-for-Five Baby! T-Rex hits on all five major categories. And you can throw in my vote for Wall-E to make it six. Well it was a Slumdog kinda night. Despite what Brother's Keeper says, it is the best film of the year. A truly warm movie filled with a message of love and hope. I am thrilled it won.

A few other random thoughts... As much as I despised the thought of Hugh Jackman doing his musical numbers, I loved the opening to the show. Very funny especially the bit about The Reader, great stuff... Loved the curtain getting messed up in the opening segment and hearing some guy named Steve get yelled at behind the scenes. You had to listen close, but it was there. Poor Steve. I bet he was killed for that gaff... What the hell was with the music playing behind everyone talking all night? Freakin annoying... As I predicted, once the technical stuff started, the show ground to a halt. The banter between Tina Fey and Steve Martin and Ben Stiller doing a spot on Joaquin Phoenix barely saved that hour...

As much as I loved the opening musical number, I loathed the second one with Beyonce -- just not my thing... Hey, thanks Queen Latifah for ruining one of my favorite parts of the show (people who died) with your super crappy singing... Was it just me or did anyone else find the whole Eddie Murphy to Jerry Lewis thing kind of weird? Maybe the coolest part of the whole night, how about that guy balancing the Oscar on his chin! I wasn't sure about the whole former winner introducing the nominees at the start, but it grew on me by the end. Although I still love the clips.

Ok, I admit it, I got a bit teary eyed for Heath's win. Death or not, his Joker was haunting and a hell of a performance... My favorite speech of the night I think was Danny Boyle for Best Director, loved the whole Tigger thing... Sean Penn a close second. I am not a big fan of him usually, but he was good, pretty humble...The only thing I am really bummed about is that Doubt went home with nothing. It was a really, really great movie. Check it out if you haven't seen it... The two films I haven't seen but are now musts for me based on tonight are Milk and the documentary winner Man on Wire...Lastly, I think this was an amazing year for movies, both in the films nominated tonight and the many that weren't, (insert shameless Dark Knight plug here). 2009 has a lot to live up to.

technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Ptero Oscar Preview

So its seems that the Academy Awards are this weekend. It also seems that I have not finished my reviews of the Oscar nominated movies. If you look a smidge closer, you might also see that I have not written an Oscar preview yet. The aforementioned lack of blogging causes great consternation with the Ptero Overlord, Angry Max. So, in order to avoid my getting beaten with the smarty pants stick which Angry Max uses to write his blogs, here is my cut-to-the-chase, no bull, down-and-dirty, to-the-point, no delays, quicker-than-quick, Reader's Digest version, straight talk express Ptero Oscar Review.

Here are the reviews I never got to:

Frost/Nixon: Well, it seems that David Frost was a hep cat in his day and, oddly enough, Nixon was not. The movie is about a series of interviews between David Frost and Richard Nixon after Nixon resigned the presidency. Today's equivalent would be if Ryan Seacrest interviewed Dick Cheney (with the only difference being that Ryan Seacrest is a complete douche). Well, hilarity ensues. Actually, it doesn't. It is amazing how much drama they can squeeze out of two guys talking to each other. I liked it, but it's not gonna win crap.

The Wrestler: What the hell did Mickey Rourke do to his face?!?! The Wrestler is about the tragic downfall of a former wrestling superstar, but nothing is as tragic as Mickey Rour
ke's plastic surgery-modified face. That being said, Mickey Rourke is absolutely fantastic in the movie. He deserves to win the Best Actor Oscar, hands down. The movie is pretty good, too. A little hard to take, but a very good film. Movie bonus: Marisa Tomei is naked for no apparent reason.

Slumdog Millionaire: Prepare yourself to boo and hiss me. I am the only person in the entire world who doesn't think this is a great movie. I understand that I am alone in my thoughts, but I am the only person who is right. This movie is okay, but it is so movie perfect. By that I mean that all the ends are tied up perfectly and though you see a lot of bad things in the movie, never for one second do you doubt where it is going. It does NOT deserve the Oscar for Best Picture, but it will, 100%, be the winner for Best Picture. Why? Because we in America love whatever is deemed as the cool thing, and Slumdog is the cool movie. Trust me, no one is gonna be putting Slumdog on their Netflix list in 5 years.

Milk: Just couldn't get myself to see it. Not because of the movie, but because I just couldn't stand two-plus hours of bad seventies haircuts. I had the chance to see it one afternoon and I chose Taken instead. It may be the best decision of my entire life. Liam Neeson should get the Oscar for Best Kick-Ass Dad and if you don't agree with me, Liam Neeson will come to your house and kill your family.

My Oscar picks:

Supporting Actor

If there is any justice in the world, Robert Downey, Jr. will win for the gutsiest and funniest performance of the year as a white guy playing a white guy playing a black guy in Tropic Thunder. But he has NO CHANCE because Heath Ledger will win. There is nothing like death to boost your popularity in Hollywood.

Supporting Actress
Viola Davis + snot = Oscar.

Lead Actor
Mickey Rourke plays washed up druggie, deaf loser perfectly. (Type-casting?) He should win. But Sean Penn may sneak in here.

Lead Actress
Meryl Streep gave the best perfomance of the year in Doubt. She was able to keep a straight face while Viola Davis had boogers coming out of her nose. She should win. Kate Winslet has a pretty good chance here because she played a naked, Nazi pedophile, which is right up the Academy's alley.

Animated Feature
Wall-E should have been nominated for best picture. There is no dialogue for at least the first 15 minutes and it works. I also can do a mean Wall-E impression.

Best Picture
If you are still reading this, you know my feelings about this. Slumdog will win but it shouldn't. Who should win? Well, it's funny you should ask because I happen to know the answer. The winner for Best Picture should be........Doubt. Final answer. (That is a Slumdog inside joke. It is funny, trust me.)
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook

Friday, February 20, 2009

What Sucks About the Oscars....

Sunday brings the 81st Annual Academy Awards. I'm a total mark for the Oscars but for a guy who loves movies as much as I do, there is plenty to hate about the never ending evening of glitz and glamour. First off, the whole pre-show shenanigans. I wouldn't mind if they actually asked questions that made any sense. Instead of hearing what Sean Penn is wearing, wouldn't you rather find out if got he even a little chubbed up making out with that dude in Milk? I will say this, seeing the freak show that is Joan Rivers does entertain me for a brief moment. What the hell is going on with her face? They should find a way to get Travis the Chimp back up and running and let that crazy ape loose on her grill.

Next, the host. I liked Jon Stewart last year but most of the time they roll out some comedian or Whoopie and it's all hype. They really have nothing to do. This year we get Hugh Jackman. Wolverine. Fuck this guy and his fruity antics. Unless he walks out there and pops the claws -- snikt! snikt! -- I've got no use for him. I mean, Bruce Springsteen gets snubbed for his song but I will have to watch this fairy hop around singing some medley. Bullshit.

Last, get rid of all the technical awards. Every other awards show does it, so can you. All I care about are director, actors, actresses, picture, screenplay and song depending on the year. The rest -- no need to show. We don't know the people, we won't remember them and their getting the early play off the stage has grown old.

As for some predictions:
Best Picture - One word: Slumdog. Sunday should and better be all about Slumdog Millionaire. It's the best film of the year. I don't want to hear about The Reader pulling an upset.

Best Director - A super strong field, all very deserving but I think Danny Boyle will win for Slumdog.

Best Actor - I am going to go with Sean Penn for Milk. Many people are pulling for Mickey Rourke here, and whereas I think he was excellent in The Wrestler, I have to agree with Howard Stern in that I think he was playing virtually a version of himself. This is a two-dog race and Penn gets my nod.

Best Actress - The odds seem to sit with Kate Winslet, and I think she will probably win but I am going to be rooting for Meryl Streep for Doubt. A great little movie that seems to have gotten a bit ignored outside of the nods for its actors. She is the class of this category and had the best showing this year.

Best Supporting Actor - Heath Ledger. Will win and should win. Amazing, amazing performance. Gave me chills. I also loved Robert Downey, Jr. in Tropic Thunder but this is Ledger's award.

Best Supporting Actress - If somehow having a great ass and sweet tits wins you an award, then Marissa Tomei should get an acceptance speech ready. But something tells me Penelope Cruz will win. Honorable mention nod to Viola Davis in Doubt for the best showing by snot this year.

A few other notes - Wall-E will win for animated picture but could have earned a best picture nod in my opinion. One of the best movies this year and had a great message. I hope Presto wins for animated short, The Dark Knight wins something, and somehow Springsteen's The Wrestler wins even though it's not nominated. Bullshit.
technorati Stumble reddit digg! share on facebook