Friday, April 3, 2009

On the Master Cleanse

We here at Pterodactyl Puke would like to reverse an inexcusable trend in the ever-shifting attitudes of humanity with respect to what is generally called ‘body image’ in the popular lexicon. If you understand this trend and vehemently disagree with it, and are indeed disgusted to the point of nausea, then please stand up and take a bow at your computer screen. We salute you, Discerning Reader and Right-Minded Citizen. Now stop bowing at computer screens like an idiot.

Of course, you understand that people should NOT be discouraged from undertaking starvation diets and that the body proportions of Barbie Dolls are indeed what all good-hearted young girls should aspire toward. Oprah, Dr Phil, and the self-help Nazis really ought to stop telling them otherwise. Women should labor tirelessly in service of their good looks and should not waver or rest in this pursuit until they see a sparkling image of Kate Moss in their full-length mirrors. (Well, something a smidge taller than Kate, with bigger breasts, but no heavier.)

So, many of you may have heard about the fabulous new cure to obesity and pimple-osity known as the Master Cleanse. Consisting of a quart of freshly squeezed lemon juice, a teaspoon or so of maple syrup, and a dash of cayenne pepper -- ingested exclusively for up to 45 days -- it provides fatties with far too much nourishment in our opinion, but it is the best we can find on the Internet right now. All school cafeterias should serve this delectable drink and nothing else (unless the boys get hungry).

If you have any doubts about the wisdom of such a regimen, be assured in the knowledge that celebrities use it. Celebrities. And it works well for them. After all, their lives are perfect, and if we don’t teach people to imitate perfection, we might as well start worshiping rocks and throwing feces at one another.

And ladies, before you protest, know that we are not suggesting only women follow this diet. Any man who is sitting next to me on an airplane should be force-fed the stuff for 7 months beforehand, in addition to running an average of three marathons a week during that same period. He should then undergo an aggressive liposuction procedure before having his lower limbs amputated and his mouth sealed shut by steel wires fused to his teeth, all before being placed in a cryogenic stasis and wheeled to his seat. He should also bring a battery-powered book light with him –- the standard cabin lights are a little dim for my taste, and I like to give Sky Mall the proper attention.
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Shawn said...

Parents shouldn't overlook the simple but powerful nickname, "fatty", to be directed at their girl-child both before, during, and after any meal. This has shown to keep any extraneous eating to a minimum.

Unknown said...

Sounds reasonable to me. A teaspoon of maple syrup would keep me on a sugar high all day.

Revel said...

Steel wires are very slimming.

Angry Max said...

@Shawn - I absolutely agree. Maybe also give the girl a smaller plate, inscribed with the phrase 'For table decoration only.'

@Tiggy - I get a sugar high from snorting sugar or smoking it in rock form.

@CB - The wires are not so much for the slimming as they are for the shutting up. They do work both ways though.

David said...

With the current economic recession, all families should be encouraging their youts to eat as little as possible to reduce the family grocery budget.

brookeamanda said...

I wouldn't last a day on the Master Cleanse!

Angry Max said...

@David - Excellent point. It might be a good way to keep the population down as well.

@brookeamanda - That's no kind of attitude. All you have to do is not eat anything ever. Maybe sea-salt enemas would be easier?

Meg said...

Imitate perfection--I agree. That's why I buy my daughter Barbie Dolls and my son Wilco CDs.

Bobby Valentine said...

Where the hell is your Opening Day post?

You guys SUCK!!

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