A Message from Corporate

It has been brought to our attention that our reporting on monkey matters seems a bit biased in the favor of, well, the monkeys. In response to this criticism, we would like to assure our readers that we are indeed loyal to our own species. In the future, we will try to balance both the monkey view and the crazed, fascist anti-monkey view of all news events with equal weight and thoughtful consideration from now on. For those of you who have emailed us about our supposed traitorous bias, we apologize for the big 'GO EFF YOURSELF!' email you may have received in reply. We consider this matter closed.

There is also the matter of non-monkey-related posts offending people. We apologize for these with the utmost sincerity. 'Learning differences' are not matters for ridicule, nor is any other issue involving people who cannot intelligently speak for themselves. It is our mission to defend the weak and the downtrodden whenever any of our evil corporate sponsors are not the ones doing the trodding down.

Last, to our investors, we would like to reassure them that our financial situation is quite strong. Assuming the housing market is doing well, we should be in great shape. And if slavery is legalized in Western Europe in the near future, then some of our investments in that market should really take off as well. Also, our CFO has just received a series of emails from Nigeria promising lots of free money if we would only open a Swiss bank account with what little capital we still carry. It cannot possibly go wrong.