Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's Resolution

New Year's resolutions are for shit. A lot of us have been saying for six weeks that we are going to lose weight, start exercising and eat better in the New Year. We have all the best intentions of doing so, but we all know that saying that is an excuse to stuff our bulbous faces even more throughout the holidays. I know I have taken full advantage of my vow to get back on track in the New Year. It has gotten to the point where, if I see someone I haven't seen in a while, I might say "God, I haven't seen you since 20 or 30 lbs ago."
Maybe this year will be different. And Maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.
What resolutions will you all not be adhering to?
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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Stones in Springfield, Ill

Astronomers have confirmed that the two giant orbs visible from the International Space Station are, in fact, Rod Blagojevich’s balls.

In a surprise announcement today,
Governor Bla-f***youandyours-evich put his gargantuan gonads on display for the Senate Democratic Caucus by appointing a successor for Obama’s vacated Senate seat.

Now it’s time for Harry Reid’s shriveled raisins to do their work.
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NFL Playoff Picks...

It's my favorite time of year. I love football and I love the NFL. So with the playoffs coming up this weekend, here is how I think it will shake out:

AFC/NFC Wild-Card Weekend - I want to pick all the road teams this weekend but the reality is that those are long odds to come in. So I will go with three on the road to move on to the Divisional Round.

In the AFC:
Indianapolis Colts over the San Diego Chargers - love the way the Colts are playing, nine-straight wins, and San Diego has been too inconsistent all season.

Baltimore Ravens over the Miami Dolphins - Here is where I'll go with the rookie QB in Flacco because of the Ravens defense. Miami is a great story but they aren't ready to win a playoff game yet.

In the NFC:
Philadelphia Eagles over the Minnesota Vikings - No way, no how Tavaris Jackson beats the Eagle defense. Not happening.

Arizona Cardinals over the Atlanta Falcons - Every one is down on the Cardinals so I am making them my one home team pick. They have stunk of late but I have a funny feeling they'll play well at home.

AFC Divisional Round
Baltimore Ravens over the Tennessee Titans - low scoring, great defensive battle. Kerry Collins will pick this, the worst moment, to shit the bed.

Indianapolis Colts over the Pittsburgh Steelers - Steelers offense is overrated and Big Ben will come up small. I think this one gives away my Super Bowl pick.

NFC Divisional Round
New York Giants over the Philadelphia Eagles - G-Men will be rested and ready. And I fucking hate the Eagles.

Carolina Panthers over the Arizona Cardinals - Panthers will have 250 rushing in this one. Won't be close.

Championship Weekend
New York Giants over the Carolina Panthers - Eli will make just enough throws and Jacobs and Ward will lead the way to Tampa on a cold ass day in the Meadowlands in the rematch with the Panthers.

Indianapolis Colts over the Baltimore Ravens - In an unheard of championship game match-up of wild-card teams, Peyton makes it a Manning-Manning Super Bowl. And Peyton is also my vote for NFL MVP. He threw for 4,000+ yards, won nine-straight, lifted his team into the playoffs and did it all without a running game. Impressive.

Super Bowl XLIII

Giants over the Colts - Eli bests his big brother in the Manning Bowl but it's the Big Blue running game and defense that helps deliver the win.
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Jets & Mets...Two Peas in a Pod

I can't put my finger on the reason why, but I just love watching the vicious cycle of disappointment continue to pound the life out of Jets and Mets fans. Part of the reason I'm sure is that I am a Yankee and Giant fan, and well, a lifetime of success and winning makes you a bit of a sports snob in that respect. But I find it funny that 90% of all Mets fans are Jets fan and vice versa. Now, I just can't figure this out. I mean, are these people just gluttons for punishment? Do they secretly live a life of back room S&M encounters? Because why else would you allow yourself to be tortured so often and in the same ways by following these two teams? I mean, don't we watch sports and become fans of certain teams to gain enjoyment or to be entertained? Call me a sick pup if you will, but I can't get enough of listening to one Jet or Met fan after another on the radio pour there hearts out about their team and being let down, yet again. I know I shouldn't laugh, but come on, you have to to laugh, no? I mean, to think about what these two franchise's have done, year after year to their fan's is down right comical. The years and years of disappointment, the years and years of almost getting there just to fuck it up right at the moment when it seems a championship is near. Look, there have been some bright spots right? I mean say Game 6 to any Met fan and watch their face light up. And heck, Super Bowl III and Joe Nameth wasn't that long ago, was it? See, the best part of this for me, the sick joke part of it, is that all over this region, one Dad after the next is raising his son or daughter to follow these two teams. Teams that will inevitably rip their hearts out, bring tears to their eyes not because they won one but because they blew another lead or lost another one when they just had to have a win. Just stop. Stop now. Look, I get it. The Mets and Jets both came in to existence around the same time. They shared Shea Stadium for years. The two make sense in being linked together. But the madness needs to end. Pick one and say goodbye to the other. The evil circle of disappointment needs to end. I've know of a few exceptions, guys who like the Mets and Giants and let me tell you, they are much happier. Even when the Mets kill you, the Giants never do. The Giants never tease you, they are either good or they are bad. After the debacle of the last month of the Jets season, every one of those fans is now counting the days off their calender to Mets pitchers and catchers. For me, I can't wait until September when Mr. Met watches another fall slip away along with a 5 game lead with 6 to play.
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Monday, December 29, 2008

Bristol Palin's New Baby

Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston -- 7 pounds, 4 ounces. Welcome to the world, ya little bastard. There are no pictures yet, but the Washington Post is reporting a possible $300,000 photo haul for the irresponsible teenage couple.

And why would you name your kid Tripp? Why not Gaffe? Or Blunder?

Or Getintopoliticswayoveryourheadandmakeanassofyourself?
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Book Review: Sarah Palin

This is a review of former VP-candidate Sarah Palin’s memoir of the 2008 election campaign, It Was Nice to be Out of Alaska. I know what you’re thinking: that book hasn’t been written yet. Well, that would be a problem for lesser reviewers. As you already know, it's possible to review movies I haven’t even seen, and don’t ever intend to see. Is Tom Cruise wearing an eye patch in the preview? Is he still Tom Cruise? Yes and yes. Well, then the rest can be interpolated. In this case, is Sarah Palin an epsilon semi-moron? See, now you’re getting it.

You might think the Barracuda’s memoir is filled with a mix of cute little folk-isms and divisive rednecky slogans, but you’d be wrong. On the whole it’s a scathing indictment on our political system and a biting critique of our national character. For example, on page 23 (about a quarter way down the page), she writes, ‘…and the media got in the way of my plans to bring Jesus to Alaska. As the sun rises in the liberal East... etc, etc... egghead... etc, etc... maverick... etc, etc... like a flash of pure ecstasy across the sky.’ What she’s talking about there is not so much religion or even the media, but the lack of a coherent strategy to reduce the influence of money in politics, as well as the indifference and complacency of the average American voter. You’ll find a similar kind of ruthless rationality on page 1,637 (at the end of the last paragraph, 3-1/2 lines up from the bottom), where she writes, ‘Katie Couric is a poopoo-head.’ Eloquent, concise, painfully revealing. And then there are some telling personal vignettes, like when Todd forgets to wear a raincoat in 2007.

In the last line of the book on page 2,042, after all the policy wonkishness and rigorous analysis, the Governor betrays a hint of her burning ambition: ‘Homegirl has some street cred now, right? Am I right? Huh? Who’s with me?’ And we all know what that means. Palin in 2012. Write it down.

So, if you’re looking for an absorbing read and you want to re-live the 2008 election because it just wasn’t long enough, or if you’re looking for some ‘elite opinion’ served up cold and icy, this book is for you.

Next up, I Better Get Paid for This F***ing Book: The Rod Blagojevich Story.
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Sunday, December 28, 2008

Bookstore Fatties

I went to a local bookstore today to enjoy a latte and some free reading on an opulent couch near the ‘New Age’ section. As long as Deepak Chopra books didn’t fly off the shelves and attack me, I didn’t think it would do me any harm. That is, not until an unkempt fat lady and her buck-toothed daughter started chattering behind me and trawling the shelves for what they deemed wisdom. ‘I’m looking for something Buddhisty,’ said the ugly child. I felt like standing up, pointing a hard finger at her mother’s large, sloppy torso, and saying, ‘You were raised by something Buddha-like.’ But alas, I said nothing. I’m such a wuss.

Another time in the same bookstore, another obscenely protuberant woman sat on a couch adjacent to mine. She was breathing heavily and reading a large yellow hardcover whose title I couldn’t quite see. I was sitting near the ‘Self Help Books’ section this time. (They don’t put the comfy couches near the readable books section.) At one point, I heard the couch below her moan as she applied herself to the task of standing up. She did so -- with all the facility of a rhinoceros filling out a crossword puzzle -- and wobbled over to the little cafĂ©. She came back a few minutes later not with coffee, but with a giant plate of mini-scones and cinnamon cakes, and as she indelicately reapplied her great mass to the seat of the couch, I was able to see the title of the book she was reading. It was: Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat? -- I’m not even kidding. Apparently she hadn’t gotten to the chapter where it tells you not to eat giant plates of mini-scones and cinnamon cakes. Maybe they should move that part closer to the beginning. I’ll write to the publisher.
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Obama Libre?

Raise a glass of everybody's favorite ironically-named drink, the Cuba Libre, and celebrate: the Cuban Right Wing voting bloc in Florida has finally been broken. Obama won Florida by a decent margin, despite having signaled he would be willing to negotiate with the Castro regime with a mind toward ending the Embargo. This is heresy among right-leaning Cuban-Americans who hold sway over the Florida electorate and have delivered Florida to Republicans in all but four presidential elections since the revolution. Even Bill Clinton lost Florida in 1992. This bloc, and their associated lobby in Washington, would have the Cuban people starve to death rather than grant the Castro government any semblance of legitimacy. But attitudes change. There is some evidence that Obama enjoys a lot of goodwill among younger Cubans in the US.

Oh, the young. Always hopeful.

In Cuba Yoani Sanchez seems to think that it will be hard for the Cuban state to portray the new President as the enemy. Read her blog. The ice can melt on both sides.

So is Obama going to follow through on his pledge to engage Cuba? London’s Telegraph is reporting that an adviser to the President-Elect has said Obama will ‘move very quickly’ to relax travel restrictions for Cuban families in the US once he takes office. Will he then persuade Floridians that engagement is the right choice? That the Embargo (or The Blockade, as the Cubans call it) has not worked, and that US foreign policy cannot forever be a slave to irrational Cold War grudges? We'll see.
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Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Curious Case of Getting Shot at the Movies

For those of us who plan to plunk down $10 this holiday season to catch Brad Pitt's The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, please, please, please be on your best behavior. Especially if you live in Philly. Seems folks down in the City of Brotherly Love sure do love them some Brad Pitt flicks and, well, if you happen to be a bit chatty when watching the movie, you could get shot. Check this story out. One James Cialella became so incensed by a father and son talking during a screening of Benjamin Button, he not only pulled out a gun but shot the guy in the arm. Now, as if it can't get better, Cialella calmly sat back down and continued to watch the flick as the rest of the theatre bolted out of fear.

Now, I am not going to go so far as to encourage shooting someone at the movies for talking, but hey, I dig the message. It's about time people started shutting the fuck up at the movies. But is it ever OK to talk during a movie? I would say yes, like if your watching The New World, you just can't help but comment on how shitty it is or to even just flat out moon the screen at the end. Or, hey if the guy in the seat next to you just keeps burping the whole time and the smell can only be compared to a mix of burnt bologna and farts, then yeah I think its fair to speak up. But what I know for sure is this, I think we can say it will now never be safe to talk during a Brad Pitt movie. Ever, ever again. It's just not worth the risk.
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Violence in Gaza?

Israel bombs Gaza, Hamas threatens suicide bombings. This morning reminds me of the day we all learned that Clay Aiken is gay. File it under 'extremely unexpected.' Another surprise: A UN Secretary General calls for an immediate end to all violence and no one listens? Whoa! Did I just wake up in an alternate universe? Yet another surprise: Our President-Elect has no comment on a controversial issue. What next? A lot of angry Middle-Easterners? No way. Those people never get angry.
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Friday, December 26, 2008

Movie Review: Valkyrie (I actually saw the movie.)

The difference between Angry Max and Brother's Keeper is that I actually see the movie before I review it. So Valkyrie. Right off the bat, it is important for the massive blog audience to know that I hate Tom Cruise. Hate, hate, hate. I also dislike him. So much that I refuse to pay for a Tom Cruise movie. I will see the movie, I just will pay for a ticket to Marley and Me and sneak into the Scientology film. (In the Valkyrie instance, I did pay for the movie because the line was long and the self-pay ticket kiosk only had Valkyrie listed for that time. I know, what a strong stand I am taking.) So, I hate Tom Cruise...BUT I liked Valkyrie (what a pain in the ass it is to write, "Valkyrie" over and over again). I went in with zero expectations and left thinking that I saw a pretty good flick. Cruise smartly surrounded himself with some great actors, Tom Wilkinson, Bill Nighy and Kenneth Branagh each did amazing work with their characters. The film allowed them to create their own characters without making us look constantly at Cruise. Cruise was acting his brains out. He was trying so hard to act up to their levels. He was alright for a guy with one eye, one hand and three fingers. (The Cruise character, Colonel Von Strufendorfer - my interpretation of his name - was hurt in an attack.) If you know your WWII history, you probably know the ending of the movie, but that doesn't dampen the suspense of the movie. You can't help but root for the secret German groups of rebels in their drive to kill Hitler. (Yeah for killing Hitler!!) So Valkyrie is not the greatest movie ever but if you want a pretty good movie with some Nazis, then this is your movie!
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Movie Review: Valkyrie

I'm not gonna get lost in specifics here, but this is one awful movie. Tom Cruise wearing an eye patch. Nuff said. I am a firm believer that the characters in any historical film, where the action does not take place in the US, ought to have British accents. Tom Cruise sounding like Tom Cruise just doesn't cut it here. I give it one dead thumbs down and a stroke-affected sideways thumb.
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...And the Fattest shall be the Fastest

You can run a car on human fat. Making fun of fat people because you know they can't catch you is just not gonna work anymore. So stop doing it until I come up with a solution. We may be needing their copious amounts of blubber to achieve energy independence. So for now, be kind to them, tell them they'd look better if they ate more Twinkies, and write down some fat jokes and keep them secret until we get solar and wind up and running.
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Thursday, December 25, 2008

The first effin MMA blog

OK, I know more than just MMA. In fact, I know a bit about prison movies, women with big natural breasts, comic books and time travel. But this is my first blog about the ole MMA, the ole UFC, the ole "cock fighting" bonanza. In the future, you will all be privy to blogs about banner hanging, different fighters, upcoming events and maybe, just maybe, a description of the size and consistency of my dump that particular day.

So: UFC 92. My wishes:

1. Minotauro to light Frank Mir up.
2. Rampage to go all Blackenstein on the Axe Murderder.
3. Maybe, just maybe, Ariani's (the ring girl) boob will pop out.

I mean, do we need more than that?
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Happy Thursday

It's important to say something about Christmas. The Pope said his piece, calling for, well, peace, and a renewed militancy against gays. What a nice guy. Even Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is getting all Christmassy, with his own message. There's been a lot of controversy over this, but I for one think it's important to hear from an actual elf for once. [Look at him, saying 'Aw man, it wasn't me.' Adorable. I'll bet someone got a little gray suit under the tree this year.]
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Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Inevitable Disappointment

We finally got one of our guys on the football team. A member of the marching band has been selected as the starting quarterback. And now we realize he doesn't want to be one of us anymore. We find out he may never have been one of us to begin with.

Yeah, I'm talking about President-Elect Barack Obama and his abysmal choice for the invocation at his inauguration, Mister Rick Warren, a guy whose purpose-driven life has led him to an awful lot of cheeseburgers by the looks of it. [Look at him here, trying to eat Obama]

And then there are the cabinet appointments: middle-of-the-road or conservative.

But we already knew he wasn't one of us. Let's face it. If he were one of us, he'd be a scrawny, bespectacled kid, not QB-caliber at all, a 38-year old freshman physics major dating his lab partner. We all knew it. We had that fear. The fear that the Left can't ever win. Our player doesn't even have an arm, and he doesn't play with a real ball. He's allergic to the grass, so he can't even make it to the try-outs. Oh well, I'm gonna have fun being disappointed over the next four years.
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A blog about our Blog.

Blogging is chock full of pressure. This is my first blog and I am overwhelmed with the process. Angry Max (aptly titled) is standing over my shoulder requiring gold to come out of my keyboard. Just not gonna happen. I had difficulty spelling "pteradactyl", never mind a witty or humor filled blog entry. I am so down on blogging. Awful. I also had trouble even figuring out how to blog on this thing. They say you need a Google account. That must be different from a Google email because I didn't use a Google email and I am now posting. Also, do you think the Google gods know that I am talking about them in this post and are now gonna come after me. Am I gonna be on the Google Watch List. Are they gonna take my car. This blogging thing sucks. And I am now freaked out. Do the Scientologists run Google. I hope not. I really don't like Angry Max.
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Mets Show Interest in Shoe Thrower

The New York Mets are reportedly interested in signing Muntadar al-Zaidi to round out their rotation. The New York Metropolitans could use a guy with some spunk, a little zest, a guy who knows what a Baghdad prison is like – a guy who can actually throw. Al-Zaidi hurled himself (and his shoes) into the spotlight last week when he basically acted out what the world was thinking and hucked a pair of shoes at President George W. Bush.

Said Mets General Manager Omar Minaya, 'We liked him even before the shoe incident because we heard he was some random dude and that he had a pulse. Well, we couldn't verify the pulse thing, but we were pretty certain he was some random dude, and that really piqued our interest. Now that we see he can control his throwing action and actually repeat his delivery, we've decided to have him start opening day. We'll put a picture of Bush in the catcher's mitt to help him along, and we've promised to behead all Sunnis and Kurds on the team before next Ramadan. You know, kind of a signing bonus.'

The famed shoe-thrower Mr. al-Zaidi could hardly have been restrained when he responded to the interest by Minaya and the Mets ownership -- if he wasn't already restrained by head-to-toe shackles and the iron bars of his dark, musty cell. 'In Saddam's time, this was a very lucrative job,' said al-Zaidi, bubbling with enthusiasm. 'People skilled in the art of choking would be paid very well. I miss those days. Now in New York City Queens they pay twenty-five men millions of American dollars every year to be Choke Artists.'

Sources say that right-handed pitcher Tim Redding has been thinking of having a go at Prime Minister of Canada Stephen Harper. But for now, he's just practicing throwing his Birkenstocks at passing traffic in his hometown of Rochester.
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Call Me a Bank: Now Pay Me

I've applied to become a bank holding company.

In order to become eligible for billions of dollars in TARP funds, all one has to do is start calling oneself a bank. A 'bank holding company,' to be more specific. American Express received bank holding status today, and so they're getting $3.39B in cash from Emperor Hank Paulson, and they can start borrowing from the Federal Reserve at 0% interest. This follows investment banks Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley, consumer credit company Discover Financial, commercial credit company CIT Group, and probably many more to come. So ask to be called a bank, and get paid.

GMAC, the financing arm of General Motors, on the other hand, had some problems with the application process, I guess. They were denied bank holding status by the Fed because they're not adequately capitalized. What a friggin' joke. Were Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs adequately capitalized when they received TARP funds? Really? Citigroup?

Maybe Washington just likes telling the automakers to go fuck themselves while they ride Wall Street's ever more flaccid hog. That ought to help my case. GM and Chrysler had to jump through hoops for 6 weeks to get the paltry amount of funds now available to them, and we had to hear about how unions have ruined the country and what terrible people autoworkers must be if they're trying to kill the Big 3. Barely a mention of the Southern Republican lawmakers on the payroll of Toyota, Volkswagen and BMW. When I send in my application to Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke for bank holding status, I'll be sure to mention that I am not an automaker and I do not employ any blue-collar workers. Or if I happen to employ any, I will fire them immediately or cut their pay to match the cost of living of some backwater town in Kentucky.

In any case, I believe I am well capitalized -- relatively speaking – and from now on I would like to be called a bank. It reminds me of one of those motivational/self-perception techniques where you look in the mirror and repeat to yourself that you're beautiful and, if you keep repeating 'I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM BEAUTIFUL,' you'll actually start believing it, and if you believe, others will too, and it will become true. Trust me, that doesn't fucking work. But now, by the magic of nearly a trillion dollars – what can't money do? – Mr. Fed Chairman Sir and Henry the Beneficent have made it work. The self-help gurus were right. How beautiful.
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