Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Advice for Hard Times

We expect that our readers represent various social and economic classes, and we have therefore endeavored to provide information and advice to all of these as befits their situation in these uncertain times. For example, if you are of the blue-blood banker set, we suggest you not rent billboard space along major thoroughfares advertising your name, likeness, and a means of contact. And don’t take your golden-bridled Arabian stallion on a quick after-dinner trot through the downtown streets among the stinking masses. In fact, don’t leave your estate even if your dwindling supply of caviar and crème fraiche compels you.

If you happen to be almost anybody else, we suggest you plunge yourself into a life of crime. All that there is will soon be for the taking, and believe us, you will need your chunk of it. Muggings are the easiest way to go, but we cannot stress enough that you employ a little bit of common sense. As a rule, tourists gazing skyward present ideal victims. So do old ladies carrying purses as well as wheelchair-bound persons, but if you happen to come upon the Holy Grail of mugging victims -- a skyward-gazing wheelchair-bound old lady carrying a purse -- you must stop to think: is this too good to be true?

Well, that’s when you should probably sharpen your focus and pay some heed to the observable facts. Is the intended victim traveling in a wheelchair with steel tread links instead of wheels? Is there an Uzi mounted on the armrest? Is there a tag on the apparatus that says ‘Manufactured by Northrop Grumman for the Homicidally Disabled?’

Make sure you ask yourself these and other relevant questions before snatching any valuables. If any are answered in the affirmative, we suggest you run like hell and not look back.

We bring this up because a New York man seems to have been a little unprepared. While allegedly trying to have away with the purse of one of these Holy Grail types, he neglected to notice that she carried a .357 magnum on her frail, gimpy person. He also failed to recognize her as the 59-year old granddaughter of notorious Harlem gang lord Ellsworth ‘Bumpy’ Johnson. Needless to say, she almost shot the live stuffing out of the man.

So check out your target's face before you pounce. Does she bear a family resemblance to Bugsy Siegel? Lucky Luciano? George Kelly? Al Capone? If you've studied up on your prohibition-era gangster faces, and she looks like she might have a murderous pedigree, you probably ought to find another purse to snatch.
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5 comments:

Shawn said...

*sips imported coffee from solid-gold goblet* I'm glad I don't have to worry about such things inside the confines of my cozy compound.

Mike said...

That's why prostitution is so much easier than theft.

C.B. Jones said...

I'd Snipe the old lady, modify the chair-tank into a heavy duty motorized bar stool and compete in monster truck rallies for extra dough.

Me-Me King said...

I agree with Mike, prostitution is the only way to go. It's an honest living, at least you are providing a service for the money you receive.

Carl said...

I want to see "Taken." I saw the trailer and it was pretty intense. Watchmen! Oh, lordy. I was disappointed. They were not superheros at all. They represented the worst of the human kind. It was horrible.

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