Thursday, April 2, 2009

Movie Reviews: Blue Penis, Pothead and a Recessive Horse Gene.

There seems to be some bitching among the natives about my lack of blogging recently...or, well, ever. Although there has never been a Pterodactyl Puke business plan saying that I am the movie review guy, I really don't have any actual writing skills. So movie review guy it is. Unlike Angry Max who is able to fart out a brilliant post every three hours, I seem to need actual time to write one. The upshot is that I am a bit behind on my reviews. So you are getting blessed with a compilation movie review post! How excited are you!?!?!?

1. Taken
I realize in looking back that I mentioned Taken in a previous post but never actually reviewed it. Liam Neeson is awesome. He is my hero. The movie is the perfect guy movie. He kicks ass and doesn't bother taking names. Best action film of the year. Also, his wife just died, so go see this damn movie.

2. Watchmen
This movie is 163 minutes long. For the stupid among us that is 2 hours and 43 minutes. I mean really!!! Who the f' do you think you are you pretentious, comic book movie making pieces of crap?!?! My butt fell asleep around minute 94 and it never recovered. I was walking like Terry Fox for an hour after the movie. This movie is about super heroes who fight crime in a world where the U.S. wins Vietnam and Nixon remains president. The movie had some good points but you could have cut out an hour and you would have lost nothing. Also, there was a pretty disturbing blue penis popping up every few minutes on screen during the entire movie. That was not necessary. Only see this if you can name all the Green Lanterns in the comic books.

3. I Love You, Man
I loved Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It is one of my favorite comedies over the past few years. This movie is not that. Jason Segal and Paul Rudd are in both movies, but for some reason Jason Segal doesn't translate. Paul Rudd does a good job playing the straight man. Segal plays the same character we have seen a thousand times, the slacker, pothead who is getting along just fine. I am so sick of that character. Ya know why? Because I have to get up every morning and go to work. With all the work I do, I don't have a cool-guy hangout with drums and guitars. Well, screw pothead character, I don't want to have to watch his cool, bullshit life. I laughed a couple times. Get this movie on Netflix, maybe.

4. Duplicity
This a spy movie and I love a good spy movie. This movie focuses on the industrial espionage side of spying. Two competing companies try to steal each other's ideas. Julia Roberts and Clive Owen have great chemistry as the leads. They are fun to watch. They are a couple trying to screw the companies they spy for, while at the same time they are not sure if they can really trust each other. My problem with this movie is the problem I have with all Julia Roberts movies. Who made the decision that Julia Roberts is good looking? Cuz, she's not. In fact, I think she is ugly. She has a horse mouth and oddly pointed facial features. Every guy in the world gets that Julia Roberts is ugly. Women, on the other hand, think she is the essence of beauty. I think that women have some sort of recessive horse gene that makes it impossible to think Julia Seabiscuit is ugly. The movie makes Julia Roberts seem like this hot, sexy spy. You need to suspend disbelief for that, but once you do that, you're fine.
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9 comments:

Anonymous said...

First of all, who are you? I've heard of this Angry Max, but you mean there's another author here too? Wow. Had no idea. ;)

Second, sorry, but Taken was horrible, but was fun to watch when you realize how bad it is. Agree with you on the Blue Penis movie and didn't see the other two.

Venom said...

But Julia has a great mane, you gotta give her that at least...

Brother's Keeper said...

Rambler: Angry Max is a blog whore who hogs all the time on the site. We are working to deal with his addiction. There are actually 4 of us blogging. Also, Taken should get the Oscar for Best Movie of a Guy Killing People Who Get in His Way.

Venom: You must be a woman.

phuckpolitics said...

Taken was fucking amazing, and I hope you shit your bed tonight for bad mouthing Jason Segal.

C.B. Jones said...

Lets see...Hal Jordan, Guy Gardner, John Stewart...and at least three dozen others I don't recall. Darn, guess me and my posterior better skip that Watchmen movie.

Barb Dwyer said...

The only one that matters is Kilowog baby!

Brother's Keeper said...

Did anyone get the Terry Fox joke?

Anonymous said...

Maybe we got it and politely ignored it. ;) Maybe...

Funny Videos said...

Very funny blog:)

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