Sunday, January 11, 2009

Yes, World, You Need the USA

World, we've noticed: you just don't like the USA very much. Because we like to bully and invade other countries? Because if we don't get our way, well, we'll still get our way? Look, if we want to elect a halfwit as President, we'll do so -- twice. If we want to deny global warming even as we're planning beach holidays in Antarctica, we will. If we want to imprison people without cause, strip them naked and take pictures as we point to their naughty bits and laugh, we'll do that too. So it's not unexpected that everyone from Indonesians to the Dutch might hate our guts and maybe feel a gratifying sense of schadenfreude with regard to the monumental collapse of our economy -- like German ministers making statements that we were reckless in our banking and that our influence in the world is at an ebb, or the Chinese hinting that they don't want to lend us any more cash.

Well, guess what? You still need us, Germany. [As a side note, Germany, you really shouldn't be pointing fingers here. We remember a certain guy whose name rhymes with 'fitler.'] You still need us, France, China, Russia, Brazil, the rest of you.

Why? Well, your economies just won't work without us. And for one simple reason: we have the largest number of stupid people with a lot of money in the world. Other countries have stupid people, but our stupid people have money. Lots of it. And they buy your stupid crap. In order for the world economy to work on the scale that you all expect, we have to buy things like flying alarm clocks, inflatable toast, bars of soap with 'butt face' printed on them, DVD rewinders, umbrella shoes, and tons of other crap we train our stupid people to buy. Our stupid people are the engine of the world economy.

So, in 9 days when we inaugurate Barack Obama, you'd better start hating us less. Because we've got more George Bushes in this country, and we just might be stupid enough to elect one of them next time. Now, get back to work, World, and hurry -- we need another shipment of these can openers.
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