Monday, January 12, 2009

My Biggie Friend

I wish I had a dead friend I could exploit for money. I mean, doesn’t everyone? I picture my friend as a fat former crack dealer who took pride in (and boasted about) being a fat former crack dealer, even sang about it -- the kind of guy everyone remembers warmly and lionizes as some kind of hero, even though he probably shot some people and cheated on his wife constantly when he was alive. I’d release songs he wrote, and I’d mix his voice into tracks over other songs that other people wrote, and I’d make a fortune. I’d ride his big, bloated corpse to the bank every week, probably. Even better would be if I were somehow connected to the circumstances surrounding his untimely death. It would lend a certain level of mystery to my personality, but I wouldn’t want anybody to talk about it -- not publicly at least.

We’d be stars, my dead friend and I, and starting a fashion line would seem like a good idea to me at that juncture.

I’d throw parties in the Hamptons in his honor (and my own), parties where everyone was required to wear white suits with tails. The people at those parties would call me the new Gatsby, and I'd spend money on a lot of stupid things.

Then I’d make a movie about my friend's life, except for the part where I somehow contribute to his violent demise. I’d leave that out. Still, the movie would make money, and I’d think back about how much mileage I got out of him, considering he’d been dead for over a decade.

But I’m just dreaming. I guess we all imagine ideal ways of living from time to time.
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4 comments:

Unknown said...

Hahaha, I wish I too had a dead fat friend to endorse.

Angry Max said...

Yeah, I consider not having a fat dead friend to exploit the #1 reason why I'm not obscenely rich.

Anonymous said...

I was hoping that a Biggie Fries and a Biggie drink were going to come with this blog entry. Sadly, none did.

Anonymous said...

hysterical... angry max actually posted something funny and worth reading. AWESOME.

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