The Quests for Truth and Blood

We are getting bored of reporting on the impending economic disaster and the imminent disintegration of the society of Man.

But the issue still remains, and so for a moment, we’ll concern ourselves with explaining the real reasons behind the massive economic meltdown that will doom you and your children and your children’s children to poverty, a broken-down society, and perhaps mild cannibalism.

[If you don’t have a head for detail, skip down a few paragraphs to The Quest for Blood.]

The Quest for Truth

So who is to blame? You’ve heard a lot about people buying houses that they couldn’t afford and predatory mortgage lenders who offered loan terms that were impossible to meet. But that’s not the cause of the problem. There will always be bad loans and people who can’t pay their bills, but they should never lead to the ruin of our economy and create the apocalyptic conditions for cannibalism down the road.

Rewind back to the days of the Great Depression. In 1933, Congress passed the Glass-Steagall Act, which regulated the way banks did business -- essentially separating investment banks (which took great risks with their capital for higher rates of return) and regular deposit banking. This was to ensure that banks did not use the money in regular people’s bank accounts for crazy speculation in, say, the derivatives markets or in the stock market or in high-yield securitized loan portfolios -- all of which could lead to the demise of our species. We hate to bore you with the details, but essentially, the law was designed to prevent the creation of a Citigroup or an AIG, and for 66 years, it prevented the creation of a giant market of the very same toxic assets that will perhaps be damning us all to living underground and, out of necessity, acquiring a taste for human flesh. In other words, this was a good law.

But in 1999, the Glass-Steagall Act was repealed by a bill called the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act -- named after the three assholes who introduced it: Sen. Phil Gramm (R-Texas), Rep. Jim Leach (R-Iowa), and Rep. Thomas Bliley (R-Virginia) – and it was passed so overwhelmingly by both houses of Congress that it did not even need the signature of then-president Bill Clinton (D-Penisville), though it received that too. This allowed Traveler’s Group -- an insurance company -- to merge with Citicorp -- a bank -- in order to create what they called a ‘financial supermarket.’ We can only assume all the legislators were entertained by hookers and fed mountains of cocaine while they were assured this bill would not lead to cannibalism and the demise of the human race.

Also, around the same time in the late 1990s, credit default swaps came into being. They were conceived as a way to insure lenders, especially banks, against loan losses. In 2000, Congress passed the Commodity Futures Modernization Act, which exempted credit default swaps from regulation. The act was introduced by Sen. Phil “Anybody see a pattern here?” Gramm (R-Texas), and cheerled by Alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal Reserve, who argued that the market would regulate itself because he read as much in the writings of Ayn Rand.

What followed can only be described as a financial orgy as banks took more risks in financial markets, falsely comforted by the fact that they could also buy credit default swaps as insurance. AIG was making large profits by selling credit default swaps well beyond their ability to insure the loans that they covered. Between the years 1999 and 2007 sub-prime loans increased from 5% of all new mortgages to 48%. Holy effing crap! There were a whole lot of other reasons for this, but the main reason is that financial institutions started borrowing more and more money to buy these things, until some of them were borrowing $32 (or more) for every $1 they actually had –- just so they could buy these ridiculous loans. Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers were two of these. And all the major banks were borrowing at least 25 to 1 to finance the same crap – with the money that regular, hardworking people keep in the bank or in their 401(k)s.

There was another regulation passed during the Great Depression called The Uptick Rule. This was a rule instituted by the SEC to prevent market players from manipulating the value of stocks while selling those same stocks short. It led to the destruction of capital at banks and other financial institutions in 1937, and so the SEC decided to put an end to it. Then, in 2007, the SEC decided capital destruction was cool again, and eliminated the rule. Market manipulators have been destroying bank stocks ever since and bringing the financial system to its knees.

Then came the collapse of Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, and the black hole we call AIG. Wachovia and Washington Mutual then contributed with the two biggest bank failures in American history. (Technically, Wachovia didn’t fail because it was bought by Wells Fargo, but the point remains.)


The Quest for Blood

If you’ve read the above paragraphs, congratulations. You are one bored human being.

If you haven’t, let us recap a bit:
It seems that the government had decided sometime in the last 10 years or so that it wanted to bring on another Great Depression, and so repealed every law that had been instituted to prevent exactly that. We admit that 60 or 70 years is a long time and that people forget what exactly the purpose of such laws may have been. So could we suggest maybe a Post-It note be placed on these laws from now on, so that maybe the people in the future will know that they’re really, really important? Or maybe we can put a stamp on certain laws that says, ‘THIS LAW WAS PUT IN PLACE TO PREVENT THE DEMISE OF OUR SPECIES OR POSSIBLE CANNIBALISM. DON’T EFFING REPEAL IT.’

So let us list the people responsible: Senator Phil Gramm (R-Texas), Alan Greenspan, and just about every top executive at AIG, Citigroup, Wachovia, Washington Mutual, Bear Stearns, and Lehman Brothers, every Treasury Secretary from Robert Rubin to Henry Paulson, SEC chairman Christopher Cox, and throw in current Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, too, who insisted in 2007 and 2008 that the sub-prime crisis would not present much of a problem for the economy.

These people should all be disemboweled and hung by their necks in the middle of every city square in the United States. Their innards should be exposed to the disastrous rays of the sun until they’re baked and cured beyond any semblance of human form and flesh.

You might think that seems a bit harsh. Certainly, they broke no laws. And after all, Alan Greenspan already looks like a rotting corpse, and if the ancient, foul, beaten Earth could walk and talk, it would look and sound like Phil Gramm.

But it is not exaggerating to say that millions of lives have been destroyed -- millions of people have lost their jobs, and millions more have lost their savings in the stock market as a result of what these people have done. That is not even to mention the effect this crisis will have in poor countries, where political instability and famine are sure to be the near-term results. And we cannot yet say that the worst is over. This boulder has been rolling down from the very heights of the highest mountain, and we have no idea where the bottom is, or if the economy and our society can even survive the destruction on the way down. There is no crazed murderer or serial killer languishing in any prison in this country, nor any terrorist hiding in the hills of Afghanistan, who has done damage that even compares to what these people have done.

So we need to pass new laws -– laws that designate these people as Enemies whose existence presents a systemic risk to our economy, to our civilization, and to the human species as a whole. Then, when cannibalism becomes the order of the day, we will be able to look back and at least know that someone was held responsible for our misery.

A Message from Corporate

It has been brought to our attention that our reporting on monkey matters seems a bit biased in the favor of, well, the monkeys. In response to this criticism, we would like to assure our readers that we are indeed loyal to our own species. In the future, we will try to balance both the monkey view and the crazed, fascist anti-monkey view of all news events with equal weight and thoughtful consideration from now on. For those of you who have emailed us about our supposed traitorous bias, we apologize for the big 'GO EFF YOURSELF!' email you may have received in reply. We consider this matter closed.

There is also the matter of non-monkey-related posts offending people. We apologize for these with the utmost sincerity. 'Learning differences' are not matters for ridicule, nor is any other issue involving people who cannot intelligently speak for themselves. It is our mission to defend the weak and the downtrodden whenever any of our evil corporate sponsors are not the ones doing the trodding down.

Last, to our investors, we would like to reassure them that our financial situation is quite strong. Assuming the housing market is doing well, we should be in great shape. And if slavery is legalized in Western Europe in the near future, then some of our investments in that market should really take off as well. Also, our CFO has just received a series of emails from Nigeria promising lots of free money if we would only open a Swiss bank account with what little capital we still carry. It cannot possibly go wrong.

Don't Hug Him to Death

A Texas school for the mentally challenged has come under intense scrutiny this week by local law enforcement. It appears that for the past year, a group of employees has been setting up a version of Fight Club among the school's inhabitants. You just can't make this stuff up.

We, at Pterodactyl Puke, wanted to get to the bottom of this wacky story, so we sent our own Angry Max on a junket to Texas to speak to the students of the school. Angry Max was able to send the tape of his discussion.

One particular student was very open and took time out of his busy schedule (which included nap and pudding hour) to speak to Angry Max. The following is a direct interpretation of what most likely would have been said:

Angry Max: Jimmy, (name changed to protect the innocent minded) thanks for being able to speak with Ptero today. Wow, that is a pungent odor coming from where you are sitting, what is that?

Jimmy: I don't smell anything at all attributed to a lack of wiping after doin #2.

Angry Max: Ok. Now in relation to the fighting that has been going on for the past year..

Jimmy: You mean gym?

Angry Max: Yes, gym. Can you tell us about your experiences that you and your friends have gone through in "gym"?

Jimmy: Well, we all seem to be stronger than the average human. I don't know what you would call that but we have some form of extra power, completely unlabeled by middle America. A certain type of strength.

Angry Max: um......

Jimmy: I would say most of us have grown accustomed to hugging as a move.

Angry Max: Hugging? That doesnt sound so bad.

Jimmy: Would you like to me to show you how we do it?

Angry Max: Ummm, sure, go ahead. How bad could a simple hugging be?

Jimmy: Ok, here we go.

Angry Max: My, that is a strong grip. You can let go now. No seriously, let go. I can't breathe. *Gasp*, I am blacking out......

We haven't heard from Max for a few days. He missed his flight yesterday. Calls to the school have gone unanswered. I am sure he is fine.

Are Chimpanzees Evolving Beyond Us?

It has been no secret that humanity is slipping from atop the evolutionary totem pole. If you watch the ever-plummeting stock market or if you’ve sat through a miserable few minutes of Dancing with the Stars, you’ll know that we as a species are no longer all that impressive. It’s nothing to be ashamed of –- we’ve had a good run of it -– but the whole thing just isn’t working out anymore. The only question, really, is which species will be taking our place to become the new lords of the Earth. We here at the Puke still firmly believe that a race of jaded, semi-reptilian aliens has been staking out our little planet for a suitable vacation home, but in the last few weeks a new candidate has emerged to fill the power vacuum. And that candidate is, of course, our own close cousin the Chimpanzee.

We’ve all heard about Travis the Chimp, who, just after bellowing the cry of bloody revolution on behalf of Monkeykind, was coldly shot down by a human police officer. But what most don’t realize is that Travis, though expert in the art of violence, was merely a member of the B-team and not in the vanguard of the coming Chimpish Intifada.

Familiarize yourselves with Santino, a macho alpha male who lords over a harem of six female chimps, all of them imprisoned in a Swedish zoo since birth. Santino prefers love poetry to idle gossip, Cuban cigars (if properly rolled) to ripe bananas, and a white hat to a dark tan, but he also prefers armed struggle to being gawked at by a bunch of slobbering Swedes. Santino begins his day by gathering rocks and planning attacks against human visitors to the zoo, finally unloading his stockpile on any Swede he deems an enemy. The victim’s only crime may be walking too close to Santino’s troop of concubines, or just simply possessing a stupid smile that rubs Santino the wrong way. (Incidentally, Santino was cruelly castrated for this behavior, and has become yet another martyr for the Monkey Cause.) But the point is that Santino knew there would be trouble, and he prepared for it.

Experts say this kind of behavior is evidence of planning among the lower primates, and that chimps in the wild have been known not only to stockpile ammunition and fashion weapons from stones, but also to fortify positions and plan sophisticated group attacks.

What the experts don’t talk about is how far along these simians are in their plans, and what sort of infrastructure they’ve built up. Do they bail out banks when necessary, or do they let the free market solve its own problems? Are they Keynesians or Supply-siders? Do they have a health care plan? Dammit, you stupid experts and so-called journalists, we have to know these things. Well, we did have to know these things when we still had a civilization that was still worth the cheap plastic it’s made of. So, carry on stockpiling ammunition and fortifying your homes, but do it quickly –- the Chimpanistas are coming to foreclose on our dominion.

FaceBook's Popularity/Sympathy Contest

Jenny is considering going to the gym.

Jenny is tired and can't wait for the weekend.

Jenny thinks that milk was a bad idea.

Jenny hasn't taken a good dump since the surgery.

What exactly are people hoping to accomplish by telling us about every little thing when they update their status? I believe a portion of it comes from seeking sympathy and attention. Another portion is to see how popular you really are by measuring the number and quality of responses. On another level, people may believe that everyone is very interested in what they are doing every 10 minutes. Then you have the gossip types who can't wait to lay everything on you. "Did you see that Jenny can't produce a solid log? I can't wait to get more info to tell all the yentas that I know." And finally, the smallest portion are people jest effing around (I am in this grouping).

How many status changes have you seen that have alluded to some potential horrific or sad event without telling you the whole story? Are people that desperate to find out if their friends truly care about their own personal crap?

Stewie just got back from the hospital. Oh my God, what happend to Stewie? In essence, Stewie is hoping for a cadre of people to demand to know just what the heck happened to Stewie and if he's doing ok.

Did he get the Fusilli Jerry dislodged from his nethers?








Take your statuses a little more seriously people. Stop telling me that you are hanging out with your kids. We don't care when you get to work or when you are leaving. If you have news, spill it, don't make me have to ask you what happened, because I won't.

Make me laugh or put something interesting up there, just dont tell me about the consistency of your cat's latest puke, b/c I don't give a shit.

Million Dollar Baby

If you’ve ever played Backgammon with a 4-year-old, you’ll know that it can make you feel pretty good about yourself and maybe make you feel smarter than you really are. There's something about dominating a lesser opponent that elicits a mindset of tranquility and contentedness in a man like nothing else can. Also, kids say stupid things often enough that you can use it for a steady source of comedic material.

But if you play long enough, the youngster’s game starts to evolve before your eyes as he develops new understanding. He soon reveals himself to be some kind of prodigy, Backgammon’s Chosen One, as foretold by the prophets, placed on Earth to rethink and revolutionize the strategies of the game, and to broaden its appeal, bringing it out of the nursing homes and to the masses, making it popular among people under the age of a hundred. This could be what he was meant for, and you’ve discovered it for him –- at such a young age! He will soon outgrow you in backgammon acuity, and you’ll present no challenge for him at all. He'll need new and better competition and a master of the game to hone his skill and slake his unslakable thirst for Backgammon wisdom. Fame, glory, and wealth are right around the corner. It’s profoundly satisfying to have discovered such a great talent! You can’t help but feel proud, and you realize you have to act on this immediately, so you say something like: ‘Let’s play basketball now. And this time, I’m not gonna take it easy on you. Also, afterward, I'm selling you into slavery, you little punk.'

Hog Duty in Iowa

Generally speaking, ideal conditions of living must be achieved as a function of both time and place. For example, you may be extremely fortunate to have been born in Beverly Hills, CA, but maybe not if you were born there in 1769 as the bastard son of a Franciscan monk. That would be an example of being lucky in place but not in time. Alternatively, you could have been born during the Florentine Renaissance –- but in an Ottoman slave camp. Time: yay. Place: boo.

There are, of course, varying degrees of luck with respect to both variables. If pig odor is a problem where you live, then it’s pretty fair to say it doesn’t matter what the time is. The Age of Reason or 4 PM last Sunday would both smell like shit. Read Candide all you like, and you’ll still have trouble being optimistic. In fact, spoil your senses watching TV, smoking crack, and eating chocolate cake while dancing to Hannah Montana songs, and still, the swirling stench of pig poop will be ruling your life like an abusive foster parent.

So, in order to help out some people who’ve been screwed by the Fates of Place but not so much of Time, it makes perfect sense that the budget bill passed by Congress last week sets aside $1.8 million for ‘swine odor and manure management.’ Sure, make fun of Congress all you want for writing poop into law, but if you lived in olfactory hell, downwind from a pack of squealing shit machines, you’d almost certainly find no humor in any of this -- and neither do we.

Jay Harmon, Professor of Agriculture at Iowa State University (with a Ph.D. in some kind of shit), is a man who takes his duty very seriously. He has perfected the methods of ‘management’ in the Poo Sciences and really thinks the whole problem can be flushed down the toilet if we throw the right crap at it. He suggests things like not living near a pig farm (which we’ve already discussed), planting shrubs, installing ventilators, something called ‘broadcasting manure’ (which I’m pretty sure Cable News has already taken care of), building walls, chimneys, storage covers, etc, etc, etc... Well, we don’t have to get into all that poop jargon to know that this guy knows what time it is when it comes to chocolate hog patties, and we can feel safe that our tax dollars are well spent.

So put down Candide and the crack pipe, and for god's sake stop bouncing to that teeny bopper crap -- your Luck of Place is about to get better. But seriously, only a little bit. You still live in Iowa, near a pig farm.

No Aphorisms in Pleasant Grove?

The US Supreme Court ruled today that the city of Pleasant Grove, Utah, does not have to place a monument in a park listing ‘Seven Aphorisms’ by a religious group calling itself Summum, even though there’s already a stone slab in the same public park adorned with the Ten Commandments. The Supreme Court seems to be making distinctions between different kinds of crazy. Adherents of Summum, after they take their helmets off, will tell you that Moses was given both the Commandments and the Aphorisms -- or Principles, as they are more often called -- but that he didn’t like the font in which the Principles were etched and so left them on Mt. Sinai (or he was like, Yo man, I only got two arms, tell Aaron to fetch this one).

Summum is the kind of religion whose spokesperson generally has to begin everything he says with the phrase ‘We’re not weirdos’ before he goes on and explains some customs and beliefs that can only be described as appealing to weirdos. It was founded by a guy named Corky Ra. (No, really, that’s his name. He’s pictured here with a creepy graven image.)

Here are the Seven Principles that they wanted placed in the park next to the Commandments:

I. The Principle of Psychokinesis
Move stuff with your mind. In other words, right off the bat, in our first opportunity to present ourselves to the public, we are telling you that drugs play a big part in the Principles.

II. The Principle of Correspondence
Write a letter to a jailbird or get a degree online. Convicts make surprisingly good friends over long distances, and DeVry has some great rates if you want to major in Hospitality Management. Neither of these have much to do with our religion. It’s just solid advice.

III. The Principle of Vibration
There are only obscene interpretations of this Principle, and this is a family blog.

IV. The Principle of Opposition
This principle means absolutely nothing. It was either this or just have Six Principles.

V. The Principle of Rhythm
Some people have this Principle, some people don’t. We’re looking in your direction, White People.

VI. The Principle of Cause and Effect
This is a true revolution -- in Principle form. Some stuff that happens causes other stuff that happens. For example, a guy takes LSD and then founds a religion with 7 principles.

VII. The Principle of Gender
According to Summum, this is Creation copulating with itself. That might be fine if Creation were a little younger and in slightly better shape, before the ozone layer started to sag, a few ice ages ago. As it is, I wish Creation would get a room or just stop grinning like a stupid teenager all the time and acting like it was less than 4 million years old.

Oscar Recap...

Can you say Five-for-Five Baby! T-Rex hits on all five major categories. And you can throw in my vote for Wall-E to make it six. Well it was a Slumdog kinda night. Despite what Brother's Keeper says, it is the best film of the year. A truly warm movie filled with a message of love and hope. I am thrilled it won.

A few other random thoughts... As much as I despised the thought of Hugh Jackman doing his musical numbers, I loved the opening to the show. Very funny especially the bit about The Reader, great stuff... Loved the curtain getting messed up in the opening segment and hearing some guy named Steve get yelled at behind the scenes. You had to listen close, but it was there. Poor Steve. I bet he was killed for that gaff... What the hell was with the music playing behind everyone talking all night? Freakin annoying... As I predicted, once the technical stuff started, the show ground to a halt. The banter between Tina Fey and Steve Martin and Ben Stiller doing a spot on Joaquin Phoenix barely saved that hour...

As much as I loved the opening musical number, I loathed the second one with Beyonce -- just not my thing... Hey, thanks Queen Latifah for ruining one of my favorite parts of the show (people who died) with your super crappy singing... Was it just me or did anyone else find the whole Eddie Murphy to Jerry Lewis thing kind of weird? Maybe the coolest part of the whole night, how about that guy balancing the Oscar on his chin! I wasn't sure about the whole former winner introducing the nominees at the start, but it grew on me by the end. Although I still love the clips.

Ok, I admit it, I got a bit teary eyed for Heath's win. Death or not, his Joker was haunting and a hell of a performance... My favorite speech of the night I think was Danny Boyle for Best Director, loved the whole Tigger thing... Sean Penn a close second. I am not a big fan of him usually, but he was good, pretty humble...The only thing I am really bummed about is that Doubt went home with nothing. It was a really, really great movie. Check it out if you haven't seen it... The two films I haven't seen but are now musts for me based on tonight are Milk and the documentary winner Man on Wire...Lastly, I think this was an amazing year for movies, both in the films nominated tonight and the many that weren't, (insert shameless Dark Knight plug here). 2009 has a lot to live up to.

Ptero Oscar Preview

So its seems that the Academy Awards are this weekend. It also seems that I have not finished my reviews of the Oscar nominated movies. If you look a smidge closer, you might also see that I have not written an Oscar preview yet. The aforementioned lack of blogging causes great consternation with the Ptero Overlord, Angry Max. So, in order to avoid my getting beaten with the smarty pants stick which Angry Max uses to write his blogs, here is my cut-to-the-chase, no bull, down-and-dirty, to-the-point, no delays, quicker-than-quick, Reader's Digest version, straight talk express Ptero Oscar Review.

Here are the reviews I never got to:

Frost/Nixon: Well, it seems that David Frost was a hep cat in his day and, oddly enough, Nixon was not. The movie is about a series of interviews between David Frost and Richard Nixon after Nixon resigned the presidency. Today's equivalent would be if Ryan Seacrest interviewed Dick Cheney (with the only difference being that Ryan Seacrest is a complete douche). Well, hilarity ensues. Actually, it doesn't. It is amazing how much drama they can squeeze out of two guys talking to each other. I liked it, but it's not gonna win crap.

The Wrestler: What the hell did Mickey Rourke do to his face?!?! The Wrestler is about the tragic downfall of a former wrestling superstar, but nothing is as tragic as Mickey Rourke's plastic surgery-modified face. That being said, Mickey Rourke is absolutely fantastic in the movie. He deserves to win the Best Actor Oscar, hands down. The movie is pretty good, too. A little hard to take, but a very good film. Movie bonus: Marisa Tomei is naked for no apparent reason.

Slumdog Millionaire: Prepare yourself to boo and hiss me. I am the only person in the entire world who doesn't think this is a great movie. I understand that I am alone in my thoughts, but I am the only person who is right. This movie is okay, but it is so movie perfect. By that I mean that all the ends are tied up perfectly and though you see a lot of bad things in the movie, never for one second do you doubt where it is going. It does NOT deserve the Oscar for Best Picture, but it will, 100%, be the winner for Best Picture. Why? Because we in America love whatever is deemed as the cool thing, and Slumdog is the cool movie. Trust me, no one is gonna be putting Slumdog on their Netflix list in 5 years.

Milk: Just couldn't get myself to see it. Not because of the movie, but because I just couldn't stand two-plus hours of bad seventies haircuts. I had the chance to see it one afternoon and I chose Taken instead. It may be the best decision of my entire life. Liam Neeson should get the Oscar for Best Kick-Ass Dad and if you don't agree with me, Liam Neeson will come to your house and kill your family.

My Oscar picks:

Supporting Actor
If there is any justice in the world, Robert Downey, Jr. will win for the gutsiest and funniest performance of the year as a white guy playing a white guy playing a black guy in Tropic Thunder. But he has NO CHANCE because Heath Ledger will win. There is nothing like death to boost your popularity in Hollywood.


Supporting Actress
Viola Davis + snot = Oscar.

Lead Actor
Mickey Rourke plays washed up druggie, deaf loser perfectly. (Type-casting?) He should win. But Sean Penn may sneak in here.

Lead Actress
Meryl Streep gave the best perfomance of the year in Doubt. She was able to keep a straight face while Viola Davis had boogers coming out of her nose. She should win. Kate Winslet has a pretty good chance here because she played a naked, Nazi pedophile, which is right up the Academy's alley.

Animated Feature
Wall-E should have been nominated for best picture. There is no dialogue for at least the first 15 minutes and it works. I also can do a mean Wall-E impression.

Best Picture
If you are still reading this, you know my feelings about this. Slumdog will win but it shouldn't. Who should win? Well, it's funny you should ask because I happen to know the answer. The winner for Best Picture should be........Doubt. Final answer. (That is a Slumdog inside joke. It is funny, trust me.)