Losing weight, Coffee Enemas need not apply

Ok folks, that is it. I weigh 240 lbs. There, I said it. At a quick glance, I don't appear very fat. I am 6'4" (and a guy). 240 isn't that bad. But it is. I weighed 170 my senior year in high school. Just FYI - this isn't me, in case you were wondering.

Why am I telling you all this? Well, I figure if I put it out there, it will force me to get in shape and lose some fatty-ness. I actually weighed 246 3 weeks ago, so I am on my way. My goal is to get to 220, a weight I haven't seen since college. Losing weight is difficult and god damned stressful. I am constantly thinking about food. Not necessarily craving a burger or pizza all the time, but more "Hey, when is my next meal and what healthy items can I ram down my cake hole". Don't get me wrong, I crave a Big D from Duchess (CT folks will know what I am talking about, all others can go here) Incidentally, 5 years ago I went on a quest to eat everything on the Duchess menu and did it in about 3 months. But that is another story.

Also, I am effing hungry 73% of the day, even right after meals. I am committing to going to the gym at least 3-4 times a week too. And I am sure most of you, exercise sucks. I need to get people to go with just to be motivated.

Just FYI - this is me, in case you were wondering.

I would love to get any suggestions you all would have. Healthy snacks, exercise routines. I will not do a bullshit diet where I rule out carbs, or drink wheat germ, or do the Zone crap, or stick coffee enemas in my turd locker, Miss Quivers. They are all bullshit. I am trying to eat better and exercise. Updates to come.

Ptero Thoughts (or real pirates aren't like Johnny Depp!)

1) Pirates! Really...pirates! What the hell is going on with this world? Not only is the financial world collapsing back to the 1800's (that is your Angry Max economy fix for the day), we now can't sail around Africa without Somali pirates attacking us. I've been to Disney World recently and I'm telling you that pirates are fun, scallywags. Johnny Depp wouldn't threaten the Skipper from Gilligan's Island in a million years. And these new pirates have machine guns and I haven't seen a parrot yet. I think we need to return to traditional, pirate family values. I want sword fights, eye patches and funny accents. In exchange the U.S. will provide them with some booty. (Paging Kim Kardashian...)

2)Obama bowed to a Saudi King?!?! Let's get one thing perfectly clear: Obama bowed. Watch the video. He either bowed or he had some sort of mini-stroke just before he shook the king's hand. Robert Gibbs, White House Spokesman says that the President was just reaching to shake the king's hand. That is complete bull. I have no problem with Obama making a mistake and screwing up the bowing protocol. My problem is that the White House screwed up the first rule of screw ups. When you blow it, admit your mistake and move on. The story is still kicking because Gibbs didn't just say whoops, we messed up!

3)Where is Angry Max? Yes, it is 10 days since Angry Max posted. So, why isn't he posting anymore? Well, I have a few theories. Theory #1: I murdered Angry Max last week. I was jealous of his ability to crank out new posts everyday, so I made him eat McDonald's every meal until he was so bloated his insides burst out in a multi-colored display of guts and Mcnuggets. Theory #2: Angry Max is serving a stretch at the local medium security penitentiary. His past of transvestite hooking finally caught up with him. It isn't easy selling your body in this economy. Sometime the false eyelashes just aren't long enough. Theory #3: He is pissed off that the stock market is climbing again. To know Angry Max is to know an enormous pessimist. He is so into the economy crumbling, he is devastated when the market ticks upward. He is currently in a cave with his Karl Marx daily reader collection waiting for Socialism's next big chance. Theory #4: Angry Max is just a dick.

4)Mel Gibson is getting divorced. I am a catholic. I am a pretty good one, but if what I read is correct, I am nowhere near as good a Catholic as Mel Gibson. He is a new and improved, extra-strength Catholic. Last time I checked, divorce is a BIG catholic no-no. I am not sure that a couple of Jesus movies is gonna get Mel out of this one. The word 'hypocrite' comes to mind for some reason.

5) Phil Spector is guilty of murder. I really don't know who Phil Spector is. I think that I should know who he is, but I don't. Something to do with music, right? Well, he looks like a pure nut. That's enough for me. Fry him.

6) Did I mention that Angry Max is a dick?

On the Master Cleanse

We here at Pterodactyl Puke would like to reverse an inexcusable trend in the ever-shifting attitudes of humanity with respect to what is generally called ‘body image’ in the popular lexicon. If you understand this trend and vehemently disagree with it, and are indeed disgusted to the point of nausea, then please stand up and take a bow at your computer screen. We salute you, Discerning Reader and Right-Minded Citizen. Now stop bowing at computer screens like an idiot.

Of course, you understand that people should NOT be discouraged from undertaking starvation diets and that the body proportions of Barbie Dolls are indeed what all good-hearted young girls should aspire toward. Oprah, Dr Phil, and the self-help Nazis really ought to stop telling them otherwise. Women should labor tirelessly in service of their good looks and should not waver or rest in this pursuit until they see a sparkling image of Kate Moss in their full-length mirrors. (Well, something a smidge taller than Kate, with bigger breasts, but no heavier.)

So, many of you may have heard about the fabulous new cure to obesity and pimple-osity known as the Master Cleanse. Consisting of a quart of freshly squeezed lemon juice, a teaspoon or so of maple syrup, and a dash of cayenne pepper -- ingested exclusively for up to 45 days -- it provides fatties with far too much nourishment in our opinion, but it is the best we can find on the Internet right now. All school cafeterias should serve this delectable drink and nothing else (unless the boys get hungry).

If you have any doubts about the wisdom of such a regimen, be assured in the knowledge that celebrities use it. Celebrities. And it works well for them. After all, their lives are perfect, and if we don’t teach people to imitate perfection, we might as well start worshiping rocks and throwing feces at one another.

And ladies, before you protest, know that we are not suggesting only women follow this diet. Any man who is sitting next to me on an airplane should be force-fed the stuff for 7 months beforehand, in addition to running an average of three marathons a week during that same period. He should then undergo an aggressive liposuction procedure before having his lower limbs amputated and his mouth sealed shut by steel wires fused to his teeth, all before being placed in a cryogenic stasis and wheeled to his seat. He should also bring a battery-powered book light with him –- the standard cabin lights are a little dim for my taste, and I like to give Sky Mall the proper attention.

Movie Reviews: Blue Penis, Pothead and a Recessive Horse Gene.

There seems to be some bitching among the natives about my lack of blogging recently...or, well, ever. Although there has never been a Pterodactyl Puke business plan saying that I am the movie review guy, I really don't have any actual writing skills. So movie review guy it is. Unlike Angry Max who is able to fart out a brilliant post every three hours, I seem to need actual time to write one. The upshot is that I am a bit behind on my reviews. So you are getting blessed with a compilation movie review post! How excited are you!?!?!?

1. Taken
I realize in looking back that I mentioned Taken in a previous post but never actually reviewed it. Liam Neeson is awesome. He is my hero. The movie is the perfect guy movie. He kicks ass and doesn't bother taking names. Best action film of the year. Also, his wife just died, so go see this damn movie.

2. Watchmen
This movie is 163 minutes long. For the stupid among us that is 2 hours and 43 minutes. I mean really!!! Who the f' do you think you are you pretentious, comic book movie making pieces of crap?!?! My butt fell asleep around minute 94 and it never recovered. I was walking like Terry Fox for an hour after the movie. This movie is about super heroes who fight crime in a world where the U.S. wins Vietnam and Nixon remains president. The movie had some good points but you could have cut out an hour and you would have lost nothing. Also, there was a pretty disturbing blue penis popping up every few minutes on screen during the entire movie. That was not necessary. Only see this if you can name all the Green Lanterns in the comic books.

3. I Love You, Man
I loved Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It is one of my favorite comedies over the past few years. This movie is not that. Jason Segal and Paul Rudd are in both movies, but for some reason Jason Segal doesn't translate. Paul Rudd does a good job playing the straight man. Segal plays the same character we have seen a thousand times, the slacker, pothead who is getting along just fine. I am so sick of that character. Ya know why? Because I have to get up every morning and go to work. With all the work I do, I don't have a cool-guy hangout with drums and guitars. Well, screw pothead character, I don't want to have to watch his cool, bullshit life. I laughed a couple times. Get this movie on Netflix, maybe.

4. Duplicity
This a spy movie and I love a good spy movie. This movie focuses on the industrial espionage side of spying. Two competing companies try to steal each other's ideas. Julia Roberts and Clive Owen have great chemistry as the leads. They are fun to watch. They are a couple trying to screw the companies they spy for, while at the same time they are not sure if they can really trust each other. My problem with this movie is the problem I have with all Julia Roberts movies. Who made the decision that Julia Roberts is good looking? Cuz, she's not. In fact, I think she is ugly. She has a horse mouth and oddly pointed facial features. Every guy in the world gets that Julia Roberts is ugly. Women, on the other hand, think she is the essence of beauty. I think that women have some sort of recessive horse gene that makes it impossible to think Julia Seabiscuit is ugly. The movie makes Julia Roberts seem like this hot, sexy spy. You need to suspend disbelief for that, but once you do that, you're fine.

Advice for Hard Times

We expect that our readers represent various social and economic classes, and we have therefore endeavored to provide information and advice to all of these as befits their situation in these uncertain times. For example, if you are of the blue-blood banker set, we suggest you not rent billboard space along major thoroughfares advertising your name, likeness, and a means of contact. And don’t take your golden-bridled Arabian stallion on a quick after-dinner trot through the downtown streets among the stinking masses. In fact, don’t leave your estate even if your dwindling supply of caviar and crème fraiche compels you.

If you happen to be almost anybody else, we suggest you plunge yourself into a life of crime. All that there is will soon be for the taking, and believe us, you will need your chunk of it. Muggings are the easiest way to go, but we cannot stress enough that you employ a little bit of common sense. As a rule, tourists gazing skyward present ideal victims. So do old ladies carrying purses as well as wheelchair-bound persons, but if you happen to come upon the Holy Grail of mugging victims -- a skyward-gazing wheelchair-bound old lady carrying a purse -- you must stop to think: is this too good to be true?

Well, that’s when you should probably sharpen your focus and pay some heed to the observable facts. Is the intended victim traveling in a wheelchair with steel tread links instead of wheels? Is there an Uzi mounted on the armrest? Is there a tag on the apparatus that says ‘Manufactured by Northrop Grumman for the Homicidally Disabled?’

Make sure you ask yourself these and other relevant questions before snatching any valuables. If any are answered in the affirmative, we suggest you run like hell and not look back.

We bring this up because a New York man seems to have been a little unprepared. While allegedly trying to have away with the purse of one of these Holy Grail types, he neglected to notice that she carried a .357 magnum on her frail, gimpy person. He also failed to recognize her as the 59-year old granddaughter of notorious Harlem gang lord Ellsworth ‘Bumpy’ Johnson. Needless to say, she almost shot the live stuffing out of the man.

So check out your target's face before you pounce. Does she bear a family resemblance to Bugsy Siegel? Lucky Luciano? George Kelly? Al Capone? If you've studied up on your prohibition-era gangster faces, and she looks like she might have a murderous pedigree, you probably ought to find another purse to snatch.