Heck of a Peanut Brownie

You would never suspect that FEMA could possibly err in their fabulous stewardship of disaster mitigation in this country, but yet another development has been revealed of the spreading of the Vast Peanut Butter Conspiracy even to this innocent and noble corner of government. FEMA –- synonymous with excellence in emergency management -– has been distributing sacks of peanutty death along with their ‘relief’ meal kits. Clever, if you think about it, to dole out poison to people who have already suffered catastrophe. It’s probably less expensive than going around shooting dead every hundredth disaster victim and kicking the rest of them in their shins. That requires a lot of manpower. And nature can only do so much: cholera doesn’t usually rear its head after disasters in our Southern States the same way it does in the Third World, so we have to improvise a little. Anyway, there were pressing questions: Is FEMA now involved in the wider government plot to eliminate the human race and prepare our mediocre planet for alien sojourners to use as a pit stop? We expect this kind of behavior from the FDA or even the Department of Education, but FEMA?

Well, we attended a press conference to distill fact from fiction, and maybe to demand public hangings and witch trials like responsible journalists. Here is the transcript:

JOURNALIST: ‘Is FEMA doing a great job, as it has always done?’

FEMA SPOKESPERON: ‘Yes.’

That’s all I can remember. I woke up the next day eating astronaut ice cream out of a Little Rock garbage can.