Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Chimpanzee Rage and Police Brutality

They said he was 'like a member of the family.' That is, if your family is a bunch of crazy chimpanzees. Which, of course, they always are.

In any case, Travis -- the primate in question -- was a docile, friendly, intelligent 200-pound chimp who starred in TV ads and had been living the high life in Stamford, Connecticut, for 15 years. He was so much a part of the family that he ate at the dinner table, drank wine, and watched TV regularly. Their Tivo, we can assume, was filled with Animal Planet recordings and banana documentaries. He even surfed the Internet. (I'm convinced he's the one user who 'Stumbled' me.)

On Monday, he went nuts and mauled some lady and then attacked the cops. So what? Sounds good enough for Commerce Secretary to me. Or have him run our financial system. Or our peanut factories. Just don't shoot the darned monkey. Lots of less useful non-monkeys go crazy and we don't shoot them. Nobody shot Mel Gibson. Did Oprah pull out a 12-gauge when Tom Cruise started jumping up and down on her couch like a buffoon? And don't forget our Ormer-fay Esident-pray. Did anybody shoot that lesser form of monkey?

No. We just don't do that. Tell that to Captain Rich 'Shoot first, count chimp bodies later' Conklin of the Stamford Police Department -- just another trigger-happy monkey-hater who has infiltrated the highest ranks of security infrastructure in this country and needs to be stopped.
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40 comments:

Unknown said...

That was totally weird. Too bad we don't shoot the others. I'll bet the lady was teasing him and he did not like that shit.

Anonymous said...

They should have shot the owner of the chimp too. This idiot thought it was a good idea to raise a wild animal in a residential neighborhood.

Chimps are not cuddly little creatures. They are wild animals, incredibly strong, and vicious as seen here. They have been documented to gang wars in the wild against other chimps. They also will cannibalize the remains of other chimps they kill. Just because they can surf the net, solve math problems, or star in commercials, does not make them human.

If I was that cop, and I saw the chimp tear off parts of my car, and try to open the door and tear off parts of me, I would have emptied a clip into the chimp.

What did you think should have happened Angry Max? The chimp should have been put on trial? Maybe he could have defended himself too! You're being silly. This is crap!

Angry Max said...

@ettarose - You and I seem to be on the same page here.

@King Kong - Yes, a monkey trial would be perfect. Take a hard line against the monkeys if you will. Be careful though, a monkey revolution is not far away.

Unknown said...

Perhaps it was the wine. Maybe he was an angry drunk.

Plus, maybe it wasn't wine, maybe it was 99 Bananas.

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