Call Me a Bank: Now Pay Me

I've applied to become a bank holding company.

In order to become eligible for billions of dollars in TARP funds, all one has to do is start calling oneself a bank. A 'bank holding company,' to be more specific. American Express received bank holding status today, and so they're getting $3.39B in cash from Emperor Hank Paulson, and they can start borrowing from the Federal Reserve at 0% interest. This follows investment banks Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley, consumer credit company Discover Financial, commercial credit company CIT Group, and probably many more to come. So ask to be called a bank, and get paid.

GMAC, the financing arm of General Motors, on the other hand, had some problems with the application process, I guess. They were denied bank holding status by the Fed because they're not adequately capitalized. What a friggin' joke. Were Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs adequately capitalized when they received TARP funds? Really? Citigroup?

Maybe Washington just likes telling the automakers to go fuck themselves while they ride Wall Street's ever more flaccid hog. That ought to help my case. GM and Chrysler had to jump through hoops for 6 weeks to get the paltry amount of funds now available to them, and we had to hear about how unions have ruined the country and what terrible people autoworkers must be if they're trying to kill the Big 3. Barely a mention of the Southern Republican lawmakers on the payroll of Toyota, Volkswagen and BMW. When I send in my application to Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke for bank holding status, I'll be sure to mention that I am not an automaker and I do not employ any blue-collar workers. Or if I happen to employ any, I will fire them immediately or cut their pay to match the cost of living of some backwater town in Kentucky.

In any case, I believe I am well capitalized -- relatively speaking – and from now on I would like to be called a bank. It reminds me of one of those motivational/self-perception techniques where you look in the mirror and repeat to yourself that you're beautiful and, if you keep repeating 'I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM BEAUTIFUL,' you'll actually start believing it, and if you believe, others will too, and it will become true. Trust me, that doesn't fucking work. But now, by the magic of nearly a trillion dollars – what can't money do? – Mr. Fed Chairman Sir and Henry the Beneficent have made it work. The self-help gurus were right. How beautiful.